in
ENGLISCH:
Joke 446
A pivot table walks in to a bar and orders a
beer. It says, “Put me in the same tab, will ya?”
A slicer and pivot chart walk in to a bar. The bartender says,
“look at those bast*rds, walking around with out a
pivot!”.
Once Excel, Access and Windows were bragging to each other. Excel
says, “I once crashed so hard, it took 5 minutes to
recover”.
Access says, “Oh thats nothing. I once crashed and took down
an entire database. It took them 30 minutes to
recover”.
Windows doesn’t say anything. Excel pokes him in the arm asks
“what about you?”, Windows jolts &
replies,
“Sorry, what did you say? I just crashed again.”
Joke 445
Question: A person who speaks three languages is
called „trilingual“. And a person, who speaks two
languages is called „bilingual“. What do you call a
person, who only speaks one language? Answer: American!
Joke 444
A passengertrain is creeping along, slowly.
Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor outside.
„What's going on?“ she yells out the window. „Cow
on the track!“ replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the
train resumes its slow place. Within five minutes it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor again. She leans out the window
an yells: „What happened“ Did we catch up with the cow
again?“
Joke 443
A woman patient had been going to a psychiatrist
for three years. Finally, at the end of a visit, the doctor said:
„It is my pleasure to pronounce you completely cured.“
An unhappy expression came over the woman's face. „What's
wrong?“ asked the doctor „I thought you'd be greatly
pleased.“ „That's what you thought“she said
„But look at it from my point of view, three years ago, I was
Joan of Arc, now I'm nobody.“
Joke 442
On a transatlantik flight, a priest finds himself
seated next to a rabbi. They start talking and become quite
friendly. After a while the priest says to the rabbi: „Have
you ever eaten a ham sandwich?“ The rabbi confesses that he
did indeed once eat a ham sandwich. he then says to the priest:
„Father, you ever had sex with a woman?“The priest
confesses that he has. „Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich,
doesn't it?“ says the rabbi.
Joke 441
A woman, who played cards one night a month with
a couple of friends, was concerned, that she always woke up her
husband, when she came home around 1:30 at night. One night she
tried not to rouse him. She undressed in the livingroom and, purse
over her arm, tiptoed nude in the bedroom, only to find her husband
sitting up in bed reading. „Damm woman!“ he exclaimed.
„Did you lose everything?“
Joke 440
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a
plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for
600 Dollar. The doctor exclaimed: „This is ridiculous! I
don't even make that much as a doctor!“ The plumber:
„Neither did I when I was a doctor.“
Joke 439
A Californian walked into the New York Public
Library and asked the librarian, where the self-help books were.
She replied: „If I told you, it would defeat the whole
purpose.“
Joke 438
Rebbe, I don't understand, if you go to a poor
man, he is friendly and offers help. But if you go to a rich man,
he doesn't even look at you. What is it with all that money?“
The Rabbi said: „Go to the window. What do you see?“
„I see a woman with a child. And a barrow on the way to the
market.“ „Well, and now go to the mirror, what do you
see?“ „Nu, Rebbe, what am I gonna see? Myself.“
„Now you see, the window is made out of glass, and the mirrow
is made out of glass. It needs just a bit of silver behind it, and
then you only see your own face.“
Joke 437
There was a terrible fog in Ireland. Two drivers
collided. They groped their way out of their cars and approached
each other. „I had right of way!“ said the first.
„Possibly, but it doesn't matter,“ replied the other,
„We are in my garage.“ Joke 436
Joke 436
My mother in law said: When you're dead, i'll
dance on your grave.“ „Good“, I said, „I'm
going to make sure I'm buried at sea.“
Joke 435
My mother in law said: "When you're dead, I'll
dance on your grave." "Good", I said, "I'm going to make sure I'm
buried at sea."
Joke 434
Teacher on a parents-evening: „I will now
explain the progressive techniques of motivation by which children
are taught - please keep quiet, sit up straight and don't
fidget.“
Joke 433
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a
good cook.
Joke 432
Asked what he thought about heaven and hell, Mark
Twain replied: „I don't want to express an opinion, because I
have friends in both places.“
Joke 431
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition 'My Dog' is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No,
sir. It's the same dog.
Joke 430
„Congratulations Harry,“said the
bridgegroom's uncle. „I'm sure, you'll look back on today and
remember it as the happiest day of your life.“„But I'm
not getting married until tomorrow,“ replied Harry. „I
know, I know, replied his uncle.
Joke 429
One day around ten o'clock in the morning as the
boss arrived at the barber's, he saw his bookkeeper aitting there.
„What, you're having a haircut during your work time?“
„Well“, the bookkeeper replied, „My hair was
growing during work time as well.“
Joke 428
A merchant from Genoa had to go to a business
trip just before a trial. He asked his solicitor to inform him
about the sentence by email. After the trial his solicitor sent a
mail: „Justice has triumphed.“ Right away he got a
response: „Appeal immediately.“
Joke 427
Two old hippies arrange to meet each other.
„So, are we going to meet tomorrow?“„Yeah“
„Where?“ „Wherever you want to.“ „And
when?“ „Makes no difference to me.“ „Ok.
But please, be on time.“
Joke 426
A woman browsing though an antique store, sees a
cat drinking milk from a saucer. She recognizes the saucer as a
rare antique piece. Trying to be clever, she says to the lady
running the store: How much do you want for the cat?“ The
woman says: “Ten pounds.“ The buyer goes on: While I'm
at it, could I give you another pound for the saucer?“ The
cat seems to enjoy drinking from it.“ The shopkeeper shakes
her head: Sorry, but so far I've sold nineteen cats from that one
saucer.“
Joke 425
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with
'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Joke 424
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all
parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe
everything your children says happens at school, I'll promise not
to believe everything he says happens at home."
Joke 423
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who
keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A
teacher
Joke 422
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Joke 421
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking
about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Joke 420
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her breasts
went!
Joke 419
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it
is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Joke 418
For the first time in many years, a an old man
traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After
buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase
some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but
comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15
cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're
really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
Joke 417
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without
using the tables.
Joke 416
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday,
I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago
and I hadn't paid for them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm
blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him
just exactly what his fast- talking sales guy had told ME last
year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! “Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed
about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't
underestimate a blonde anymore.
Joke 415
An honest man was being tailgated by a
stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at
the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the
roof-and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her
chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face
of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit
her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where
she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a
holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed
the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated CHRISTIAN FISH EMBLEM on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Joke 414
Leather... When a woman wears leather clothing, a
man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the
knees, and he begins to think irrationally... Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new car.
Joke 413
Dramatic new health discovery! The japanese eat
very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or
americans. On the other hand, the french eat a lot of fat and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. The
japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the british or americans. The italians drink excessive amounts
of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or
americans. Conclusion: eat and drink what you like. It's speaking
english that kills you!
Joke 412
A young woman who was several months pregnant
boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she
began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed
her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again, and then on
her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When
the case came before the court, this was the man's reply when asked
why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then
she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement
which read " William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not
control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an
advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident." He won the case.
Joke 411
A woman used to work in technical support for a
24/7 call center. One day she got a call from an individual who
asked what hours the call center was open. She told him, "The
number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Eastern or Pacific time?"
Joke 410
The loaded mini-van pulled in to the a campsite.
Four children jumped from the car and began to feverishly unload
the gear and set up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood,
while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking
utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father,
"That, sir, is some extraordinary display of teamwork." The father
replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the
camp is set up."
Joke 409
A woman used to work in technical support for a
24/7 call center. One day she got a call from an individual who
asked what hours the call center was open. She told him, "The
number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Eastern or Pacific time?"
Joke 408
Here is a purported to be true story someone
found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during
an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked
the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog
ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that
you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I
really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes
and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four
hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still
nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly
translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and
require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern
equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and
happily slurping away. However, three weeks later, the student was
fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
Joke 407
The chaplain in a university residence hall, was
supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on
pets. That changed when a little kitten adopted him. The freshmen
in his dorm kept his secret. They covered for him by calling his
kitten "the Book," since he had so many in his room. One morning he
was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student
stopped him and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?" He
explained that he was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting
neutered today," he told him. "Hmmm," the student responded, "no
sequels."
Joke 406
A nun and a priest are driving through the
country on their way to an event. The nun has had quite a lot of
water to drink on the drive and can't hold it much longer. They are
both getting hungry as well so they stop at a 'hooters' which
happens to be the only restaurant for miles, to get a bite to eat.
As they are waiting to be seated the lights go off for a second and
then turn back on and everyone erupts in laughter and applause. The
nun and priest are confused but disregard it anyways. The nun asks
the hostess where the washroom is and is directed where to go.
“I must warn you though,” says the hostess,
“there is a statue of a naked man in our washroom, though
there is a leaf covering his private parts.” The nun assures
the hostess that she will be fine as she will just advert her eyes.
The nun goes to the washroom and comes back out a couple minutes
later to the entire restaurants applause. Confused she asks the
waitress, why the applause. The waitress replies: “Everytime
someone lifts the leaf on the naked man in the womens washroom, the
lights go out.”
Joke 405
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the
European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5-year phase-in plan that would become known as
“Euro-English”. In the first year, “s” will
replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be
dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be
growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome
“ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik
akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkourage the removal of double letters that have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes
of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it
should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such
as replasing “th” with “z” and
“w” with “v”. During ze fifz yer, ze
unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining
“ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand etsh oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil
finali kum tru .. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking
German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Joke 404
When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero
gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside
down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians
used a pencil.
Joke 403
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George W. Bush in the
Oval Office. “Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilians were
killed in Iraq today.” Bush buries his face in his hands,
muttering “My God…My God”. “Mr.
President,”says Rumsfeld, “we lose soldiers all the
time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's
the matter?” Bush: ”Exactly how many is a
Brazilian?”
Joke 402
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and
laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the
monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing
out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it
would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in
all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been
copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point,
my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by
and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and
goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the
wall and wailing,"We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R " !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word
was... CELEBRATE !!!"
Joke 401
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North
America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who
discovered America ? CLASS: Maria.
Joke 400
One day a young programmer is walking to work,
when a frog on the side of the road starts to talk to him.
“Young man, come and kiss me, and I will turn into a
beautiful princess!” The young man stops and looks curiously
at the frog, then picks it up and puts it into his pocket, and
continues to walk to work. From his pocket, the frog says,
“Hey, didn't you hear me? I said if you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess and love you forever!” The man
takes the frog out of his pocket, looks at it and says,
“Look, I'm a developer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -
but a talking frog, that's cool.”
Joke 399
There are 2 women: One blonde walked into a bar.
The redhair ducked.
Joke 398
A guy is walking past a School for The Mentally
Challenged on a hot afternoon. There is a high wooden fence between
him and the yard, and he can hear children's voices chanting,
“Eleven! Eleven! Eleven!” As he walks, the chanting
continues, but up ahead, he spots a knothole in the fence. Curious
as to what the kids are doing, he peeks through the hole in the
fence. Before he can jump back, a finger pokes him in the eye.
After several seconds of laughter, the chant begins
again…“Twelve! Twelve! Twelve!”
Joke 397
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender
exclaims, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The
grasshopper responds, “You have a drink named
Jim?”
Joke 396
So the hot dog vendor hands the buddhist a hot
dog, and the buddhist gives the man a twenty dollar bill. The
vendor says 'thanks' and the buddhist asks “where's my
change?” To which the vendor responded “Change must
come from within.”
Joke 395
The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he
stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much
discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to
get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting
to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of
bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church, and how much more it could
potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the
pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift
from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives
us.”Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a
little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail
voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers.” To this the entire congregation
said, “Amen.”
Joke 394
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a
light bulb? A: None, they don't believe anyone can see the light
anyway.
Joke 393
A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a
drink before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours him a
drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before
the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says again:
„Give me another drink before the trouble starts.”
Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going
to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as
soon as I tell you that I don't have any money.”
Joke 392
I was wondering why the football was getting
bigger… And then it hit me. … Dieser Witz funktioniert
aufgrund eines Wortspiels: „something hitting someone“
= jemand begreift etwas...
Joke 391
An old cowboy was sitting at a bar, when a young
lady walked up beside him and asked him if he was a cowboy. The old
timer said “let's see.”" I wake up in the morning and
put on my boot's and hat, I climb up on my horse and ride from sun
up to sundown roping and rounding up cattle. I also mend fences and
dig out water holes so, yup, I guess I am a cowboy.” He looks
over at the little lady and asks what she is. She says:
„Well, I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning I think about
women, all during the day I think about women, at supper I think
about women when I go to bed I think about women. So that is what I
am a Lesbian. Five minutes later another lady came into the bar and
asked the old cowboy the same question. He said “up until
five minutes ago I would have said yes, but meanwhile I found out,
I am a lesbian.”
Joke 390
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead run into a
barn to hide from kidnappers. They find three large, empty brown
sacks on the floor, and before the kidnappers could enter the barn
after them, they each hid in one of those sacks. The kidnappers,
finding the three squirming sacks suspicious, went up to the sack
containing the brunette and kicked it. “Meow!” said the
brunette. “That's just a sack full of kittens,” said
one kidnapper dismissively, and they moved on to the sack
containing the redhead. They kicked the sack. “Woof,
woof!” said the redhead. - “That's just a sack full of
puppies,” said the other kidnapper, and they moved on to the
sack containing the blonde. They kicked the sack. “Potatoes!
Potatatoes” said the blonde.
Joke 389
A Jewish man is troubled, and goes to his Rabbi
for advice. “Rabbi, my son lived abroad for some time and
came back a Christian.” Said the Rabbi: “Funny you
should say that, my son went to college and he, too, came back a
Christian. Why don't we ask God?” As they are praying, they
hear God answer: “Funny you should say that but my son also
…”
Joke 388
I was thinking about how people seem to read the
bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me....
they're cramming for their final exam.
Joke 387
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one
of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his
eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell
phone and calls the emergency services: “My friend is dead!
What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice:
“Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
A shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says:
“OK, now what?“
Joke 386
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a
favor?” - “Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer
for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must
warn you: I will not lie.” - “With your honest face,
Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs,
she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From
the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so he
asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to
the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to
be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring
with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead,
Father.”
Joke 385
A rich man is on his deathbed and fears going to
hell. He calls his assistant and instructs him, “Give twenty
dollars to charity in my name.” He then dies and appears at
the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter asks him “What have you ever
done that merits your entrance into heaven?” Shakily, the man
replies, “I gave twenty dollars to charity.” Peter
shakes his head and responds, “Let me go ask the Boss about
this one.” After a short time, he returns, and the rich man
asks, “What did He say?” Peter relplies, “He
said, 'Return his twenty dollars and tell him to go to
hell.'”
Joke 384
A man goes to see his doctor, because he thinks,
that his wife is going deaf. The doctor says: „Well, here's
how you can test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her,
and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer
and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll
be able to find out, just how bad her hearing is“. The man
goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says:
„Darling, what's for dinner?“ He doesn't hear an
answer, so he moves closer. „Darling, what's for
dinner?“ Still no answer. He repeats this serveral times,
until he's standing almost next to her. Finally, she answers:
„For the tenth time, I said we're having CURRY!“
Joke 383
My kids love surfing the web, and they keep track
of their passwords by writing them on a Post-it notes. I noticed
their Disney password was „MickyMinniGoofyPluto“, and
so I asked, why it was so long. „Because“ they
explained „They say it has to have at least four
characters“. FALLS SIE SICH WUNDERN: Characters bedeutet
sowohl „Zeichen“ oder „Buchstaben“ als auch
„Figuren“ bzw. „Charaktere“
Joke 382
The average man's life consists of 20 years of
having his mother ask him, where he is going; 40 years of having
his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners
wonder...
Joke 381
There was life, before the computer. I remember
the days when: An application was what you wrote, to get a job. A
program was something an TV. A cursor was somebody, who swore a
lot. A keyboard was something, you could play. Memory was
something, that you lost with age. If you had broken disc, you
couldn't work for weeks. Compress was something, you did rubbish,
not to a file. And if you unzipped anything in a public, you'd be
in jail for a while! IF YOU WANT TO COMPAIR: Computer-Begriffe:
application= Anwendung, program= Programm, cursor=
(Maus-)ZEIGER-Ikon auf Bildschirm, keyboard= Tastatur, memory=
Speicher, disc= Diskette, to compress= komprimieren, to unzip=
entzippen.
Joke 380
A man sees a duck walking into a bar. Curious, he
follows. The duck grabs a seat and the bartender walks over. The
duck makes some typical duck noises, the bartender nods and brings
over a mixed drink, which the duck drinks. The man waves the
bartender over, and says “That's amazing! How did you
understand what the duck was saying?” The bartender gives a
perplexed look: “Quack?”
Joke 379
Five Belgiens in a Audi Quattro arrive at the
French boarder. A French customs officer stops them and says:
„Quattro means four. There are too many people in this car.
One of you has to get out“. „Quattro is just the name
of the car, for goodness sake“ replies the driver.
„Look, everybody knows, that the car is designed to carry
five people. If you don't believe me, call your boss“.
„He can't come right now“ says the customs officer.
„He's busy with two people in a Fiat Uno“.
Joke 378
BIRTHDAY SURPRISE The man walked over to the
perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5
for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
Joke 377
In a small midwestern conservative town, there
wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local
entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.
Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block
the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman
was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on
the tavern. But the night before the grand opening, a lightning
strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks
were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar
owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the destruction of his building, either through
direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied
all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in
its reply to the court. At the first hearing, the judge held up the
paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit. "I
don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as
it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in
the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that
doesn't." Author Unknown
Joke 376
A burglar has just broken into a house, he's
intending to ransack, and he's looking round for things to steal.
Suddenly a little voice pipes up: „I can see you, and so can
Jesus!“ Startled, the burglar looks around the room , but
there's no one there at all, so he goes back to his business. But
again the voice says: „I can see you, and so can
Jesus!“ The burglar jumps up again, and takes a closer look
around the room. Sure enough, in the corner by the window, almost
obscured by the curtains, is a cage with a parrot in it, who pipes
up again: I can see you, and so can Jesus!“ „And what
of it?“ says the burglar, „you're only a bird!“
To which the parrot replies: „Maybe, but Jesus is a
Pitbull!“
Joke 375
A man goes to the doctor and tells him, that he
hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room
an comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor
says: Take the green pill with a big glas of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glas water after lunch. Then just
before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of
water.“ Startled to be put on so much medicine the man
stammers: „What's my problem, doc?“The doctor says:
„You're not drinking enough water.“
Joke 374
A duckhunter, proud of his marksmanship, took his
son out one morning, so that he could witness his skill. After some
time, a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," wispered the dad, as he
took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy,"
said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle, there flies a
dead duck."
Joke 373
To God I speak Spanish, to woman Italien, to men
French and to my horse in German. Emeror Charles V (1500-1558) on
European languages
Joke 372
An overweight blonde wants to lose weight, so she
consults her doctor for advice. The doctor suggests, that she runs
ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promises, would cause her
to lose twelve pounds. The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and
after thirty days, is pleased to find, that she has indeed lost
twelve pounds. She phones the doctor and thanks him for his
wonderful advice. The doctor says, he would like to see her again
that very morning. To wich the blonde replies: „No, that's
not going to be possible, I'm now 300 miles away!“
Joke 371
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman have
been marooned on a desert island for years, when one day they find
a bottle with a genie inside it. The genie grants them with a wish.
„I wish I was back in London“ says the Englishman, and
in a flash he's gone. „I wish I was back home in
Edinburgh“says the Scotsman, and in a flash he's gone.
„Oh, it's so lonely here now“ says the Irishman,
„I wish, my two mates were still here with me.“
Joke 370
It was announced yesterday, that censors have
banned the broadcasting of a tv-show, that claimed to introduce
people to the worlds of jazz and classical music. Their reasoning?
Too much sax and violins. FÜR ALLE, DIE NOCH NICHT LACHEN
KÖNNEN: Es geht um die ähnliche Aussprache von: sex an
violence = Sex und Gewalt vs. sax and violins = Saxophon und
Violinen
Joke 369
"If you can tell me how many sweets I have in my
bag, you can have them both."
Joke 368
A plane is in a heavy thunderstorm. As the
passengers are beeing bounced around by the turbulence, a young
woman turns to a priest, sitting next to her and asks with a
nervous laugh: „Father, you're a man of God. Can't you do
something about this?“ The priest replies: „Sorry lady,
I'm in sales, not management.“
Joke 367
Jake, the avid golfer, contacts a medium and
asks, if there is a golf course in heaven. The medium tells him,
that this is a strange request, but she will try to find out, and
get back to him in a few days. After several days, Jake gets a call
from the medium: „What did you find out?“Jake asks.
„Well, I've got good news and bad news for you“ says
the medium. „Ok, what's the good news?““That
there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in heaven, and you'll have
24-hour access with your own personal caddy“answers the
medium. „And the bad news?“„You're due to tee-off
at 9:30 on sunday morning!“
Joke 366
Q: What's the main difference between ignorance
and cognition? A: I don't know and I don't think you can compare
the two!
Joke 365
In a train carriage there were 4 people, an
Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a really
ugly woman. After several minutes the train happens to pass through
a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When
they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his
cheek. The blonde thought: "That French son of a bitch wanted to
touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly
woman, who in turn must have slapped his face" The ugly woman
thought: "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and
she smacked him". The Frenchman thought: "That f*****g Englishman
put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The
Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack that French twat again".
Joke 364
A priest getting ready to hear confessions
suddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He
looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He
pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the
bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take
over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the
priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them
penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and
took his place in the confessional. The first parishioner entered
the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I
have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found
"Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding
words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The
parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of
relief. The second parishioner entered the confessional and began
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in
vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5
Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do
this. I just might get away with it!" The third parishioner entered
and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in
anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither
"Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out
of the confessional and spied an altar boy walking by. He motioned
the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid,
what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him
quizzically and said, "Well, ten cookies and a glass of
milk."
Joke 363
Q: What's one of the pros of marrying a man who
owns a donkey? A: Unlimited supply of natural gas.
Joke 362
Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian,
spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One
night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and
kills all three. The next day, the pub owner is surprised to see
the Australian - assumedly dead - walking through the door. The
Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to
the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we
pay him $20." - "Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to
your friends?" - "The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and
the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will
pay for it."
Joke 361
Q: Why don't people with Parkinsons drink Cokes
at McDonalds? A: They have the shakes instead.
Joke 360
This bloke is a golf fanatic. He has an early
booking every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday
morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes
out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential
downpour, there is snow mixed with the rain and an 80km/h wind is
blowing. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel and finds the bad weather is set for the day. So he
puts his clubs away, quietly undresses and slips back into bed
where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says,"The weather out
there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out golfing?"
Joke 359
Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a
vulture? A: Laywers aren't an endangerd species.
Joke 358
A tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a
divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a
problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of
the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after
a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his
chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine
and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the
machine?"
Joke 357
Q: How many paranoic people does it take to screw
in a light bulb? A: Who want's to know?
Joke 356
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? You need to know
how "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" works . . . ) (der Satz
„soll ich es einloggen?“ heißt drüben
„Is that your final answer?“) A man and his wife went
to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his
wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I
have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She
said, "Yes." He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
Joke 355
A man takes his place in the theater, but his
seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is
a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better
seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into
the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25
cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and
whispers, "The wife did it."
Joke 354
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on
Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into
the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and
notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find
Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I
didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for
quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you
found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend." The preacher in
disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "Man, have
you found Jesus yet?" Gasping for air the drunk answer the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he drowned?"
Joke 353
CHASING RABBITS The Los Angeles Police Dept., the
FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at
apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch
it. TheCIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three
months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do
not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they
burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit
-- and make no apologies. Their press release on their "successful
operation" notes "The rabbit had it coming." The LAPD goes in. They
come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is
yelling, "OK, OK -- I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" Author
Unknown
Joke 352
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old
daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked
at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She
replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The
girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"
Joke 351
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding
and had the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's
license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my
5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes, sir. That's
where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the
TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately
called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and
the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. The
driver's license was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the
car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you
mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't
understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, and I'll
bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!
Joke 350
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution.
This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients
and gives them two questions. If they knew the correct answers,
they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the
doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free
if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what
would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be
half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd
be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and
told him he was free. Next Amanpreet came in. The doctor: "What
would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet: "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off
the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind." "Amanpreet, can you
explain how you'd be *blind*?" "Sure doc, my hat would fall down
over my eyes."
Joke 349
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the
doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The
doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother
and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie
is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says,
"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a
man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even
kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares
out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is
there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No,
not really, it's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over
the hill...“
Joke 348
A police officer in a small town stopped a
motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man
began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...," "And I said to keep
quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked
in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the
groom."
Joke 347
One day the Pope came to America in his Limo and
he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive?" The driver
thinks, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the
driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun,
hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the
driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you
might get pulled over. The police are behind us" The Pope, "ahhh,
I'm the Pope." So he continues to drive fast. After a few moments
he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls
down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I,
ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute." The Pope says, "sure". The
cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says,
"guys I just pulled over some one really important." They ask who,
"The President?." "No more important." "The president of another
country." "No more important." "An ambassador." "No even more
important." "Well who is it." "I don't know, but he is being
chauffeured by the Pope."
Joke 346
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at
the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!"
yells the lifeguard. "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little
Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving
board!"
Joke 345
A man came walking up to his grandparent's house
when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking
hair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you
doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance
without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here
with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man
slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with
no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea."
Joke 344
The little camel asks his mother: Mum why do we
have these humps? Because in these humps there is water and fat
because in the desert we can neither drink nor eat for many days on
end. And why do we have fur? Because the dessert the nights are
cold and so we don't feel cold. And why do we got these big hoofs?
Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the
hot sand. But where is the desert here in the zoo?
Joke 343
A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and
orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has
drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar,
grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a
third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair. And
the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music
they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And
the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so
wonderful. "And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got
this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you
have a wish? You can wish you everything!" "Me?", the bar keeper
asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than
done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the lamp. He
rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You
have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one
million dollars!" The dgini snaps his fingers and disapperes, and
suddenly the whole room ist filled with dugs, a million of them.
There is hardly room for the people to breathe any longer. The bar
keeper: "But I wated DOLLARS, not dugs" The man: "Do you really
think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?"
Habe den Begriff "dugs" nachgeschlagen. er wurde gewählt, weil
er wie ein schlampig gespochenes "dollar" klingen kann (= die
anlogie zur pointe). also, für alle, die nicht nachschlagen
wollen, hier ist die lösung: dug = an udder, breast, or teat
of a female animal (Zitze)
Joke 342
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in
the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all
directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to
loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside,
and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part
about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
Joke 341
A scientist studied insects. One day, he placed a
large locust on his workbench and taught it to jump. He then wrote
in his notebook, Locust has learned to jump" The scientist cut off
one of one of the locusts legs. After the experiment he wrote in
his note book, locust with three legs, jumps as well as before."
The scientist cut of another leg. The scientist cut off one of one
of the locusts legs. After the experiment he jotted down:
„Even with two legs it jumped.“ The scientist cut off
one more leg. After the experiment he jotted down: „It's only
a small jump with one leg...“ The scientist cut off his last
leg. an hour later he gave up and wrote in his notebook, locust
without legs has gone deaf."
Joke 340
A Glashow wife arrived home from shopping and put
six bottles of wisky and one loaf of bread on the table. Her
husband saw this and shouted at her angrily: „What in the
Lord's name did you bring all the bread for, woman?“
Joke 339
Scotland Do you know how the Grand Canyon came
about? A Scotsman lost a sixpence.
Joke 338
Italy A Texan, on holiday in Italy, is trying to
impress his host. He brags about everything imaginable - the size
of the vegetables, the size of the cattle, the size of the eatates
and finally, since his listener is still totally unimpressed, the
size of Texas. „You know,“ he says, „you can get
on a train and, 24 hours later, you're still in
texas.“„Well,“ replies the Italien, „we
have that problem all the time?“
Joke 337
Israel Isaac was dying, and his family gathered
round his bedside. „Mama,“ he wispered. „I'm
here, Isaac.“ „Miriam,“ he sighed. „I'm
here, Papa.“ „Sally?“ „Here, Papa.“
„Jakob?“ „I'm here, too, Papa.“ „Then
who the hell is minding the shop?“
Joke 336
Germany A group of german tourists makes its way
to the top of Mount Etna and looks into the smoke-filled crater.
One of them turns to his neighbour and says: „I looks just
like hell.“ The Italien guide hears this, shakes his head and
mutters: „Oh, these Germans! They've been
everywhere!“
Joke 335
French When General de Gaulle died, Noel Coward
was asked what he thought theGeneral and God would find to talk
about Heaven. Coward replied: „That depends on how good God's
French is.“
Joke 334
England During an afternon television programme
on sex the audience was asked: „How many people here have sex
more than three times a week?“ There was a weak show of
hands. „And how many have sex once a month?“ A sea of
hands shot up. „Anyone less than that?“ One delighted
man waved his arm enthusiastically. „Onece a year,“ he
said. „But tonight's the night.“
Joke 333
China One day Afanti goes to his landlord and
asks to boorow a wok, as he has guests coming and his own is not
big enough to cook all the food in. The landlord says yes, and a
few days later Afani returns bringing two wooks, the original and a
tiny one. „While I had it in my care your wok gave birth to a
tiny one.“ The landlord gleefully accepts the simpleton's
offering. Some time later Afani again comes and asks if he can
borrow the landlord's biggest wok and of course is told yes. Many
days go by and eventually Afanti returns sad and empty-handed.
„Alas, your poor wok!“ he laments. „It
died.“ - „What nonsens, everyone knows that woks can't
die.“ - „If they can give birth they can surely
die,“ Afanti, and calmly away. J.C. Yang, Xenophobe's guide
to the Chinese.
Joke 332
Belgium „I don't like tongue in wine sauce.
The idea of eating something that has been in a cow's mouth
disgusts me.“ „How about eggs....?“
Joke 331
McGregor went to see his doctor for a medical
checkup. As requested by the doctor, he took along a specimen of
urine in an unusually big bottle. After the test, he rushed home.
„Everything alright?“ his wife wanted to know.
„Well, he said it would take a couple of days but then we
will know, what shape Anne, you, aount Mary, the kids and the dog
and myself are in.“
Joke 330
The smallest book in the world: An Italien
history of heroes, and a compendium of German humor.
Joke 329
The following joke, wich probably originated at a
conference of journalists, pokes fun at various national faiblesses
- French lust, German seriousness, American bragging, British
colonialism etc. English: Hunting elephants in Britis Africa.
French: The love life of elephants in French Equatorial Africa.
German: The origin and development at the East African elephant in
the years 1200-1950 (600 pages). American: How to bread bigger and
better elephants. Russian: How we sent an elephant to the moon.
Swede: Elephants and the welfare state. Dane: Elephant-meat and
smorrebrod. Indian: The elephant as a means of transportation
before the railway era. Finnish: What the elephants think about
Finland. Richard D. Lewis: When cultures collide.
Joke 328
Two HGVS (LKW.s) loaded with thousand of copies
of Roget.s Thesaurus collided as they left a London publishers last
friday, according to the Times. Witnesses were said to be stunned,
startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....
Joke 327
A young man is driving his new sportscar along a
quit countrylane. Ther's no traffic about so he risks accelerating
to 70 mph, then 80 an then 90. He rounds a bend and all of a sudden
sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The
man pulls the steering wheel sharply to the one side, the car
shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the
moddle of an adjacent field. Observing this, one of the farmers
turns to the other and says: "That was lucky, Fred. I reckon we got
out of that field just in the nick o'time."
Joke 326
Why are computer scientists such lousy lovers?
Because they're always trying to do the job faster than before. And
when they do, they claim that performance has improved.
Joke 325
What's the difference between a man buying a
lottery ticket an a man arguing with a woman? The man buying the
ticket at least has a one in 16 million chance of winning!
Joke 324
Before taking an exam, the professor tells the
class that any exampaper that is not on his desk in exactly three
hours time will not be accepted, and the student will fail. After
three hours all the students have handed in their papers, except
for one, who continues to write. Finally, he attempts to put his
paper on the top of those already on the professor's desk.
„Im not going to accept that,“ says the professeor.
„It's too late.“ The student looks astonished.
„Don't you know who I am?“ he asks. „No, as a
matter of fact, I don't,“ says the professor.
„Good,“ says the student, and quickly shoves his
exampaper into the middle of the pile.
Joke 323
While looking through his filing cabinet one day,
a govermant employee comes across an old brass lamp. „This
would look on my mantelpiece,“ he thinks and starts to polish
it. To his surprise a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
„I wish for a cold pint of beer right now!“ POOF! A
pint appears before him on his desk, which he picks up and downs in
one. He thinks for a bit longer about his second wish and says:
„I wish to be on a tropical island surrounded by beautiful
women. POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females
eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last
wish. „I wish I never had to work ever again.“ POOF!
He's back in his goverment office.
Joke 322
A beggar goes up to a well-dressed woman who is
just coming out of Harrods and says, „Excuse me, madam. I
haven't eaten anything in four days.“ She looks at him and
replies: „God, I wish I had your willpower.“
Joke 321
A couple was driving along a countryroad, not
saying a word to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they
passed a farmyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked:
„Relatives of yours?“„Yep,“ the husband
replied, „In-laws.“
Joke 320
„Why did you escape from prison?“ a
policeman asks the fugitive. „I wanted to get married.“
„Heh, you have quite a strange view of freedom.“
Joke 319
Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh,
these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my
senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if
you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here and boasting like
that.“
Joke 318
A gorgeous, sexy young woman was walking through
a cocktail lounge. Her eye was caught by a very attractive man,
sitting alone. She said: „Hello, handsome. I'll do anything
you want for 200.“ „Wonderful“said the man.
„Paint my house.“
Joke 317
As a young manager is leaving the office late one
evening, she sees the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder.
The CEO says: „I have a very important document here, and my
secretary has already gone home for the evening. I don't suppose
you could help me?“„Sure,“ says the manager,
eager to make a good impression. She puts the paper in the shredder
and presses the start button. „Thank you so much!“ says
the CEO, „I need two copies.“
Joke 316
An English professor writes on a board: „A
woman without her man is nothing“ an asks his students to
punctuate the sentence. A male student writes: „A woman
without her man, is nothing.“ A female student writes:
„A woman: without her, man is nothing.“
Joke 315
A woman rushes home from work one night and tells
her husband: "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband
excitedly asks: "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says: "Pack them all, you're leaving!"
Joke 314
An englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was
told that it was a well-trained animal, but only moved, when the
rider said "Thank God" and stopped, when it heard "Amen". So he
mounted the horse, said "Giddy-up" and nothing happened. Looking
rather shame-faced he said:"Thank God" and immediately the horse
galloped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse ran faster
and faster, he shouted:" Whoah, whoah", until he remembered, and
then said: "Amen". The horse stopped right at the edge of the
cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his
handkerchief and breathed with relief: "Thank God!"
Joke 313
What did the chicken cross the road? PLATO: For
is the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of the chickens to
cross the road MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed
the road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was. KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous
beeing, chose to cross the road of his own free will. MARX: It was
an histirical inevitability. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods
of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are
now genetically disposed towards crossing roads. FREUD: The fact
that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. EINSTEIN: Whether the
chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends
upon your frame of reference.
Joke 312
An american salesman submitted his expenses
account. After checking it over, the employer said: "I can't honor
this, but I'd like to buy the fiction rights for the movie."
Joke 311
"Ivan, have you heard, Einstein is coming to
Odessa.""Who is he? Is he a famous pharmacist?" "No, he is a famous
physicist. He is the author of the 'Theory of the Relativity'."
"What's that?" "Well, how can I explain this ...? You see, you have
two hairs on your head. Is that a lot or a little?" "A little."
"And now let's imagine you found the same number of hairs in your
soup ..." "Really? He is coming to Odessa with this stupid
joke?"
Joke 310
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th
birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass
band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says:
"Congratulations!" "Congratulations on what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?" repeats Saint Peter. "We're celebrating
the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." " But that's not
true"says the lawyer, "I only lived to be forty." "That's
impossible" says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time
sheets."
Joke 309
Will you understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means
by the end of the conversation? This has been nominated for the
best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a
hotel guest and roomservice, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS):
"Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed
room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July
den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G :
"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS:
"Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay.
An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July ! Sahn toes?" G: "I
don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really
bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G:
"No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean
butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS:
"Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS:
"One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder
on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS:
"Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."
Joke 308
Question: What's even smarter than speaking
several languages? Answer: Keeping your mouth shut in one.
Joke 307
A college professor to a pharmacist: "Please,
give me some of those tablets called acetylsalicylic acid." "Don't
you mean aspirin?" "That's it. I can never remember that
name!"
Joke 306
Isaac was walking by the lakeside in December.
Suddenly he noticed his friend Löwenthal wriggling in an
icehole. "Löwenthal, did you break through?" "Nu, winter
caught me swimming!"
Joke 305
A blonde wants to go icefishing. After reading
many books on the subject and purchasing the necessary equipment,
she makes her way out on to the ice. She positions her chair,
starts to cut a hole, when suddenly, from somewhere above, a voice
booms: "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde
moves further down the ice and begins to cut another hole. Again,
from the heavens, the voice bellows: "There are no fish under the
ice!" She stops, looks skyward and says: "Is that you, LORD?" The
voice replies: "No, I'm the ice-rink-manager!"
Joke 304
Stranger: "Catch any fish?" Fisherman: "Did I?!?
I took thirty out of this stream this Morning!" Stranger: "Do you
know who I am?" I'm the game warden." Fisherman: "Do you know who I
am? I'm the biggest liar in the country."
Joke 303
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the
morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him an
threatened to fire him, if he didn't do something about it. So Tom
went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him, to take it
before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in
the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and
drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill actually
worked!" "That's all fine", said the boss, "but where were you
yesterday?"
Joke 302
"Mum, mum, I don't want to go to school today."
"Why not, dear?" "Tey all hat me there, mum, they laugh at my
haircut, call me names and some of the big boys keep trying to take
my dinner money off me." "But Daniel, you have to go, you are the
director after all.
Joke 301
Why did the Israelis stay out of the gulf war?
Because the last time they spoke with a Bush they spent forty years
wandering around the desert.
Joke 300
Billy and his mother are at the zoo. "Mum, look
over there! The gorilla looks like uncle Bernard." "Shame on you,
you shouldn't say things like that." "Sorry mum, but I'm sure, the
gorilla didn't hear me."
Joke 299
Will you understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means
by the end of the conversation? This has been nominated for the
best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a
hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS):
"Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed
room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July
den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G :
"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS:
"Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay.
An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July ! Sahn toes?" G: "I
don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really
bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G:
"No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean
butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS:
"Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS:
"One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder
on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS:
"Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."
Joke 298
A fifty-year-old woman has a heart attack and is
taken to hospital, where, upon the operating table she has a near
death experience. Seeing God, she asks: "Is my time up?" God
replies: "No, you'll live another thirty years." So the woman
decides that as she has so much more time to live, she might as
well look good. She has a facelift, liposuction, and dyes her hair
another colour. But just as she is leaving the hairdresser's, she
is run over by a car. Arriving in front of God she says: "I thought
you said I had another thirty years! Lord, why did you let me get
killed?" God answers: "Because I didn't recognise you!"
Joke 297
What's the late-night difference between an
bachelor and a married man? The bachelor comes home, sees what's in
the fridge and goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what's
in the bed and goes to the fridge.
Joke 296
A womanwalked up to a little old man sitting in a
rocking chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you
look "she said. "What's yout secret for a long happy life?" "Well,
I smoke at least sixty cigarettes a day" he started, "I also drink
a crate of beer a day, eat fatty foods, and evere exercise."
"That's amazing " the woman said. "And how old are you, if I may
ask?" "Twenty-eight" he said.
Joke 295
A man, who has recently come into money, bys a
villa with a garden. All this he proudly shows his friends. "Of
course everything is insured against fire, theft an hail." "Against
hail?" the friend wondered to himself. "How do you make
hail?"
Joke 294
Basic Math for Boss and Employee. Smart boss +
smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee =
overtime
Joke 293
"Why did you escape from prison?" a poloceman
asks the fugitive. "I want to married." "Heh, you have quite a
strange view of freedom."
Joke 292
A prison governor is appalled by the poor
standard of English used by the inmates in his prison. To rectify
this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the localgrammar
school, to set up remedial English classes. In the first lesson,
the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics.
"Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks. All the
prisoners answer together: "The appeal!"
Joke 291
A woman comes back home to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter. "Have you killed any?" she asks
him. "Yes, two males and two females." "How can you tell?" she
says. He replies: "Two were on a beer can and two were on the
phone."
Joke 290
A golfer was spending ages preparing for his tee
shot. "For goodness sake, hurry up" said his partner. "But my wife
is watching from the clubhouse," her replied. "This has to be a
perfect shot." "Forget it - you'll never hit her from here!"
Joke 289
A sunday school teacher asks her pupils where God
lives. A small boy raises his hand and says: "Miss, God lives in
our bathroom". "In your bathroom?" asks the teacher. "What makes
you think he's in there?" The boy replies: "Because every morning
my daddy bangs on the bathroom door and shouts: "God are you still
in there?""
Joke 288
On the way to the hospital, a nurse was driving
very fast. She failed to heed the stoplight on the corner. A
policeman caught up with her on the next block and said: "Doesn't
that red light remind you of something?" Replied the nurse: "Oh
yes. Someone wants the bedpan."
Joke 287
A passenger on a plane runs up to the stweardess
and says: „Quick! Give me a bottle of wiskey. The woman in
the seat next to mine has fainted.“ The stewardess hands him
the bottle from which he proceeds to take a long slug.
„That's better“ says the man, „I can't stand
seeing unconscious women.“
Joke 286
A primary school teacher asked her class what
their parents did for a living. „Kevin,“ she said
„What does your father do all day?“ „He's a
dentist“ Kevin replied. „That's wonderful. How about
you, Sally,“ said the teacher. "My father is a postman," said
Sally shyly. "Thank you, Sally," said the teacher „What about
your father, Paul?“ Paul stood up and proudly announced,
„My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse.“ The teacher
was aghast and promptly changed the subject to maths. After school
she went to Paul's house to speak with his father. The teacher
explained what his son had said, to which Paul's father replied,
„Well, actually I am an attorney but how can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?“
Joke 285
„Those pills you gave me, don't seem to be
helping much, doctor. It's been two weeks now, and I'm the same as
if I hadn't taken them.“ „On the contrary, if you
hadn't taken them you'd be dead by now.“
Joke 284
When the signal was given, the company climbed
out of the trenches and was about to start an assault. Only Miller
ran to the back. The captain grabbed him: „The enemy is over
there!“ Miller: „Well, I have to get a running
start.“
Joke 283
Frenchman to an American in an gallery: „Do
you like Toulouse-Lautrec?“ American: „No, I don't like
to lose anything.“ Henri Toulouse-Lautrec war ein
französischer Maler. Ähnliche Aussprache des
französischen namens "Toulouse" und des engl. verbs "to louse"
(verlieren)
Joke 282
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they
were approaching the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, they started
arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and
forth until they stopped for employee: „Before we order,
could you please settle an argument? Would you please pronounce
where we are ... very slowly?“ The girl leaned over the
counter and said: „Burrrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiiiing.“
Joke 281
Having joined a monastery, a man takes a vow of
silence, with the exception of two words every five years. After
the first five years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two
words. „Cold floors,“ he replies. The elders nod and
send him away for another five years. Time passes, and when he is
called in again he says: „Bad food.“They nod and send
him away. Five more years go by, and at their next scheduled
meeting, he says, „I quit.“ „Well, I can't say
that surprises us, „said the eldest elder, „all you've
done since you got here is moan and complain.“
Joke 280
There was once a young man whose only desire was
to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said,
„I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that
will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!“well, his
future took a slightly different turn, however he has reached his
goal: He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Joke 279
Deep in a forest, a little turtle begins to climb
a tree. After hours of hard effort, he reaches the top, jumps into
the air waving his front legs and rather unsurprisingly goes
crashing to the ground below. After recovering, he slowly climbs
the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground once more. He tries
again and again, while two birds sit on a branch nearby, watching
his sad efforts. Finally the female birds turns to her mate and
says: „Don't you think it's time to tell him he was
adopted?“
Joke 278
Bush has a short one. Schwarzenegger has a long
one. Madonna does not have one, and although the pope has one he
does not use it. What is it? A last name!
Joke 277
A woman says: „This place is a mess! You
and me have got to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do the laundry right
now!“ A man hears: „Blah, blah, blah, COME ON blah,
blah, blah, YOU AND ME blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah,
blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
Joke 276
John goes to see his factory supervisor.
„Mr. Shorland“ he says „we're having a clear-out
at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the loft and
the garage, moving stuff and taking rubbish to the dump. Would it
be possible to take a day's holiday?“ „We're
short-handed, John“ the supervisor replies. „I can't
give you the day off.“ „Thanks, Mr. Shorland“says
John, „I knew I could count on you!“
Joke 275
Two men are walking in the forest when they se a
grizzly coming towards them. The first takes off his rucksack,
takes out a pair of trainers, and puts them on. The other looks at
him and says: „That's pretty dumb. There's no way you can
outrun a grizzly bear!“ „That's true“says his
friend. „But then again, I've only got to outrun a PERSON,
while you must try to outrun him...“
Joke 274
After a night on the tiles, a university student
was proudly showing his new flat to friends. „What is the big
brass gong and hammer for?“ one of them asked him.
„That's a speaking clock“ he replied. „How does
it work?“the friend wanted to know. „Watch“ he
said and then gave the gong a wallop with the hammer. Suddenly
someone screamed from the other side of the wall: „Be quiet
you idiot! It's after midnight!“
Joke 273
An Englishman, a Finn and a Russian are studying
a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. “Look at
the beautiful garden,“ muses the Englishman. „Only an
Englishman could create a garden of such beauty.“
„Rubbish“says the Finn. „They're naked and
unashamed. They must be Scandinavian.“ „You're both
wrong“ says the Russian. „No clothes, no house, one
apple between them, and they're told it's paradise
- definitely Russian.“
Joke 272
A tramp asked a man for a pound. The man asked:
„Will you buy booze with it?“ „No „ said
the tramp. The man asked: „Will you gamble it away?“
Again the tramp said: „No.“ The man then asked:
„Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens
to a man, who doesn't drink and doesn't gamble?“
Joke 271
Patient: „Doctor, Doctor, I can't help
stealing things.“ Psychiatrist: „Take one of these
pills three times a day and that should help you.“Patient:
„But what if it doesn't“? Psychiatrist: „Then get
me a DVD-player.“
Joke 270
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was
astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was
picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the
pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he
opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear
Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and
she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of
all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and
because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the
passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and
trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She
sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take
care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you
can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your son, John. P.S. Dad,
none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted
to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is
safe for me to come home.
Joke 269
A student from a small country town is accepted
at Yale universty. On his first day on campus, he tries to find his
way around. He approaches a well-dressed student and asks:
„Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at“?
The other student replies arrogantly: „Don't you know that
one should never end a sentence with a preposition“?
„Ok. Where's the library at, you dope“?
Joke 268
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go
on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is that the picnic site is far away So, it takes them
ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food
and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it"
says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to
Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't
bring it. So they're stuck miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they
have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a
steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy
are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he
still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't
take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, And just as
they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and
shouts, "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"...
Joke 267
Politically Correct Holiday Greeting I wanted to
send out some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so
difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without
offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his
advice I wish to say the following: Please accept with no
obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of
the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without
due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make America great (not to
imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or
is the only „America“ in the western hemisphere) and
without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability,
religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting
this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable
with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise
by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is
warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at
the sole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer: no trees were harmed
in the sending of this message however, a significant number of
electrons were slightly inconvenienced. (Author Unknown)
Joke 266
SOCIALISM: You have two cows and give one to your
neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have two cows; the government takes both
and gives you the milk. FASCISM: You have two cows; the government
takes both and sells you the milk. NATIONAL SOCIALISM: You have two
cows; the government takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM: You
have two cows; the government takes both, shoots one, milks the
other and trows the milk away. CAPITALISM: You have two cows; you
sell one and by a bull.
Joke 265
A gorgeous, sexy young woman was walking through
a cocktail lounge. Her eye was caught by a very attractive man,
sitting alone. "Hello, handsome. I'll do anything you want for 200
Dollar." "Wonderful," said the man "Paint my house."
Joke 264
Basic Math for Boss & Employee: Smart boss +
smart employee =profit Smart boss + dumb employee =production Dumb
boss + smart employee =promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee
=overtime
Joke 263
A man visited a matchmaker for marriage and said:
"I am looking for a spouse. Please help me find a suitable one. She
should be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable,
good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me at home during
my leisure hours, if I don't go out. She should tell me interesting
stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when
I want to rest." The advisor listened carefully and replied: "I
understand. You need a television."
Joke 262
A small frog goes to a fortuneteller and asks if
he is going to meet a young girl. The fortuneteller tells him:
"Yes, you are." The frog asks: "Where? In a bar or at a party?" The
fortuneteller: "In biology class!"
Joke 261
"What am I suppord to do with this?" grumbled the
motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic
fine. "Keep it," the clerk advised. "When you get four to them, you
get a bicycle."
Joke 260
I met an old university friend the other day, who
in his youth had professed his desire to become a great writer.
When I asked him to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional level; stuff that
will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" Just
discovered he's now working for Microsoft ... writing erroer
messages.
Joke 259
Man: "How's your history paper coming along?"
Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
internet for research, and it's beeb very helpful." Man "Really?"'s
your history paper coming along?" Woman: "Well, my history
professor suggested that I use the internet for research, and it's
beeb very helpful." Man "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located
17 people who sell them!"
Joke 258
On a rural road a state trooper pulled a farmer
over an said: "Sir, do you realize your wifw fell out of the car
sveral miles back?" To wich the farmer replied: "Thank God, I
thought I had gone deaf!"
Joke 257
"I've lost my dog." "Why don't you put an
advertisement in the paper?" "Don't be silly - he can't
read."
Joke 256
In China ist ein Sack Reis umgefallen! Und hier
die internationalen Reaktionen: News: A Sack of Rice fell over
Fact: a sack of rice fell over in the Yunnan district, China. This
is how different news media reacted to it: American News CNN:
speaker: "Sources in china reported that a sack of rice has fallen
over. We switch over to the white house and our correspondent Jack
Rabbit." Jack: "The White House is in a state of alert, only few
minutes ago the President gave a short note to the press..."
President: "We have considered the news from China. And urge the
public not to panic, yet." Jack: "...the President was unavailable
for further comments. Reliable sources in the Department of
Agriculture report that the government does not yet know how to
react." USA Today: "New York University statistics professor John
D. Merit reported that on average 300 purses are stolen each day in
the greater state of New York. Read the full report on page 3-5. In
other news: a major catastrophy has hit the rice fields In Hunan,
China." Journal of Mathematics: (an article by Chaos Theorist Prof.
Martens) "[...]taking the precendence of the recent series of
severe storms over Florida, which are speculated to be caused by
Chinese butterflies, the government should prepare for a major food
shortage within the next 12 to 36 months. [...]" The Inquirer:
"Aliens and the chinese government conspired to make sacks of rice
fall over. Read full report on page 15." Asian News Republic of
China Official Newswire: "Reports of a full sack of rice falling
over have been greatly exaggerated. It is true though that half a
sack of rice fell over. The rice was yet unboiled and the incident
will have no negative effect on Chinese economy." Taiwan News: "No
Taiwanese citizens hurt in major rice cultivation failure in China.
A leading member of the Democratic Progressive Party reportedly
said 'This was a catastrophy waiting to happen', the statement was
met with criticism from members of all parties." Japan Nikkai
Tribune: "According to sources in Tokio no negative effects of the
Chinese rice crisis are expected for the whole of Japan. However,
major factories of the Japanese textile industry are standing by to
produce unfallable sacks should China require them." India Tribune:
"The government decided to tighten border controls on the border to
China, since a surge of Chinese refugees is expected after the rice
incident in Yunnan. The shift of troops has been met with harsh
criticism from the governments of Nepal and Pakistan." European
News Germany, FAZ: "Reports from the chinese province of Yunnan
indicate that thousands of chinese citizens have been displaced by
the fallover of a sack of rice. The foreign minister immediately
offered help to the government of china should it be needed. So far
the Red Cross has not been allowed to enter the province in order
to help. Diplomatic talks are going on behind closed doors in the
Kanzleramt in Berlin." The London Times: "A sack of rice fell over
in China. No Brits hurt." The Scotsman: "The Scottish Parliament
today voted for sending an expert in Scooping-Up to China in order
to limit the damage done by the fallen rice." Great Britain, 'the
Sun': "Prince Charles' secret love for rice and how it could ruin
Great Britain, read page 7." France, Le Monde: "While the Prime
Minister and the chinese embassador meet over lunch in Paris,
specialists and government officials alike assure the people of
France, that the French economy will not be significantly affected
by the rice incident." The Financial Times: "Crop market turns
problematic." -- "After the incident of the fallen sack of rice in
China, the world wide market for crops has suffered significantly.
The price for rice has skyrocketed, while the price for barley and
rye are expected to stabilize again on the niveau of 1987.
Meanwhile the price for asian cotton and whool have plummeted to an
all-time low - leading financial experts are speculating that this
is the markets retribution for the culprit behind this incident."
'Cooking today' (and other cooking magazines): "1001 rice free
recipes." Unquote....
Joke 255
What kind of wine would you recommend for our
silver wedding anniversary? Answer: It depends on whether you want
to celebrate it or forget it.16. jaA small compact car smashed into
the rear of Oliver's Cadillac as he made a left turn. The driver of
the small car was furious. „Why didn't you put out your
hand?“ „What's the point?“ shrugged Oliver.
„If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my
hand?“
Joke 254
A man standing at the grave of his wife laments:
„Why did you leave me alone so early? Oh, if I could see you
one more time!“ At this moment a mole moves in the grave
mound. Immediately the man sets his foot on the grave. „I was
only joking!“
Joke 253
A man who has recently come into money buys a
villa with a garden. All this he proudly shows his friend.
„Of course everything is insured against fire, theft an
hail.“„Against hail?“ the friend wondered to
himself. „How do you make hail?“
Joke 252
A college chemistry professor in his local
drugstore: „Please, some of those tablets called
acetylsalicylic acid.“ „You mean Aspirin?“ asked
the pharmacist. „That's it. I can never remember that
name
Joke 251
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th
birthday and finds himself greeted at the Gates to Hell by a brass
band. The Devil runs over, shakes his hand and says:
„Congratulations!“„Congratulations on
what?“ - „We're celebrating your 160th birthday
today.“ „But that's not true“, says the lawyer
„it is my 40th birthday today.“ „That's
impossible, „ says the Devil, „by adding up all the
hours you have charged your customers this is your 160th birthday
today...“
Joke 250
Question: What's even smarter than speaking
several languages? Answer: Keeping your mouth shut.
Joke 249
The father was slightly annoyed when he said to
his inquisitive son: „You never stop asking questions. All
day long you ask questions. Where would I be if I asked questions
like you?“The son answered: „You might be able to
answer more of mine!“
Joke 248
An englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was
told that it was a well-trained animal but only moved when the
rider said „Thank God“ and only stopped when it heard
„Amen.“ So he mounted the horse, said
„Giddy-up“ and nothing happened. Looking rather
shame-faced he said, „Thank God“, and immediately the
horse galloped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse ran
faster and faster, he shouted, „Whoah, whoah,“ until he
remebered, and then said „Amen“. The horse stopped
right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his
brow with his hankerchief and breathed with relief, „Thank
God!“
Joke 247
Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh,
these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my
senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if
you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here an
boasting.“
Joke 246
„Do you know Salomon Herschfeld? Ten years
ago when he came to Lodz he had nothing but one old pair of
trousers, and today the man has got two million!“ „For
God's sake, what does he do with two million old pairs of
trausers?“
Joke 245
Why did the chicken cross the road? PLATO: For
the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross
the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the
road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was. KANT: The chicken, beeing an autonomous
beeing, chose to cross the road of his own free will. MARX: It was
an historical inevitability. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods
of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are
now genetically disposed towards crossing roads. FREUD: The fact
that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. EINSTEIN: Whether the
chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends
upon your frame of reference.
Joke 244
A church minister is driving down to Boston, and
he's stopped on the highway for speeding. The traffic patrol
officer smells alcohol on his breath, and then he sees an empty
wine bottle on the floor. He asks him: "Sir, have you been
drinking?" The minister says: "Just water" The officer: "Then why
do I smell wine?" The minister looks down to the bottle and says:
"Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Joke 243
Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh,
these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my
senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if
you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here an boasting like
that.“
Joke 242
A For the first time in many years, an old man
traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After
buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase
som popcorn. Handing the attendant 1,50 dollar, he couldn't help
but comment: The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only
15 cents." "Well sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "you're
really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..."
Joke 241
A Personal Manager: "You start on Monday. You get
paid by efficiency." Applicant: "I'm sorry, I can't live on
that!"
Joke 240
A baker was angry about one of his customer's
complaints. "I was making bread before you were born," he shouted.
"Maybe so," the customer said, "but why are you selling it
now?"
Joke 239
A ventriloquist with his puppet makes a joke
about blond women. Suddenly a feminist stands up and accuses him:
You make sexist jokes by promoting chauvinistic and humiliating
sterotypes about women, you should feel ashamed! The man is
intimdated and wants to beg pardon but the blonde counters: I'm not
talking to you but to your friend!
Joke 238
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes
tested and asked: „Doctor, will I be able to read wearing
glasses?“ „Yes, of course,“ said the doctor.
„Why not?“ „Oh! How nice it would be,“ said
the patient with joy, „I have been illiterate for so
long.“
Joke 237
The dentist took one look at Billy's mouth and
said: „That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. Billy looked
at him and said: „I heard you, Doc. You don't have to repeat
yourself.“ „I didn't. That was the echo.“
Joke 236
A woman went to see her rabbi because she wanted
to get divorced. „Why?“ the rabbi wanted to know.
„I suspect my husband of not being the father of my last
child.“
Joke 235
A merchant from Genoa had to go on a business
trip just before a trial. He asked his solicitor to inform him
about the sentence by e-mail. After the trial his solicitor sent a
mail: „Justice has triumphed“. Right away he got a
response: „Appeal immediately“.
Joke 234
Three old ladies met on the street on a very
stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud, that they had
difficulty in hearing each other. „It's windy, „ said
one. „No, it's Thursday,“ said the next. „So am
I,“said the third. „Let's go and have a
drink!“
Joke 233
Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents' place. At bedtime, the two boys knelt down beside
their beds to say their prayers. Suddenly, the younger boy began
praying at the top of his lungs: „I pray for a new bicycle. I
pray fo a new Nitendo. I pray for a new videorecorder...“ The
older brother leaned over, nudged his younger brother, and said:
„Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn.t deaf!“
The little brother replied: „No, but Grandma sure
is!“
Joke 232
Paul died, and his wife phoned the newspaper to
place an obituary. She called the obituary department an said:
„This is what I want to have printed: Paul is dead.“
The man at the newspaper said: „But for 25 Dollar you are
allowed to print six words.“ The woman answered: „OK,
then print : Paul is dead, Toyota for sale.“
Joke 231
A man visits God and says: „God, do you
mind if I ask you a few questions?“ God says: „No, ask
me anything at all.“ So the man says: „God, you've been
around for a long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand
years?“God replies: „For me, a thousend years is only
five minutes.“ The man says: „That.s interesting, God.
And, for you, how much is a million dollars?“ God replies:
„For me, a million dollars is only five cents.“ The man
says: „Really? Well then, God, could you lend me five cents,
please?“ God looks at the man, smiles, and says: „Of
course, my son. Just wait five minutes!“
Joke 230
A little girl had just finished her first week of
scool. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't
read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"
Joke 229
A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart wich
contained, among other things, a screaming baby. The gentleman kept
repeading softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream Albert;
dont't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to
him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe
your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm
Albert.
Joke 228
A teacher to a pupil: "Conjugate the verb "to
walk" in simple present." Pupil: "I walk. You walk..." The teacher
interupts him: "Quicker, please." Pupil: "I run. You run ..."
Joke 227
A student comes to a young professor.s
officehours, She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels
pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans
closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his
eyes. "I mean ..." she wispers, "...I would do ...anything. He
returns her gaze. "Anything?" - "Anything" - His voice softens
"Anything???" - "Absolutely anything" His voice turns into wisper,
"Would you ... study?"
Joke 226
A men went to the doctor an said, "Doctor, please
help me. I hurt all over." The doctor asked the man to explain
more. The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my
leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch, it
hurts. The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr. Smith, your
finger is broken!"
Joke 225
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are
sitting in a street café watching people going and coming out
of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two
people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they
notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist: "The
measurement wasn.t accurate." The biologist.s conclusion: "They
have reproduced." The mathematician: "If exactly one person enters
the house now, then it will be empty again." Copyright
Langenscheidts Sprachkalender2003
Joke 224
Transcript of an appatently ACTUAL radio
conversation: Americans: "Recommend your divert your course 15
degrees to the nort to avoid a collision." Canadiens: "Negativ. You
will have to divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision." Americans: "This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I
repead, divert YOUR course." Canadiens: "No. I repeat, you divert
YOUR course." Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRKRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
THE SECOND-LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY TREE DESTROYERS, TREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I
REPEAT, THAT.S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURE WILL BE
UNTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP." Canadiens: "This is a
lighthouse. Your call!" Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender2003
Joke 223
Overheard at a computerstore: "I want a game
capable of holding the interest of a six-year-old, but it.s got to
be simple enough for his father to play, too." Copyright
Langenscheidts Sprachkalender 2003
Joke 222
A boy asks his father if he can use the car, and
the father replies, "No, not until you cut your hair!" The boy
replies, "But father ... Jesus had long hair!" To which his father
says, "True, but he WALKED everywhere!" Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender 2003
Joke 221
A man went to his doctor to find out why he had
been such severe headaches. The doctor ran some tests and after a
few hours called the man into his office. "I have terrible news,"
he told the patient. "Your condition is terminal." "Oh, no!" the
man wailed. "How long do I have?" "Ten..." began the doctor. "Ten
what?" the patient interrupted. "Days? Month? Years?" "Nine," said
the doctor, "eight, seven, six ..." (Reader's Digest, Nov. 1997 -
Contributed by Bob Fajardo) The zoo built a special eight-foot-high
enclosure for its newly acquired kangoroo, but the next morning the
animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence
was increased to 15 feet, but the kangoroo got out again.
Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet,
but the kangoroo still escaped. Question: How will they have to
build the fence? ANSWER: Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving
the gate unlocked. (Reader's Digest, Sept. 1995 - Contributed by
Jerry H. Simpson, Jr.) Fishing in a boat one day, two men see a
bottle float by. The guy sitting in the back picks up the bottle
and pulls out the cork. A genie appears. "Since you freed me from
the bottle," says the genie, "I shall grant you one wish." The guy
in front blurts out, "I wish the lake would turn into beer!" Just
like that, they are floating on a lake full of beer. "Way to go,"
the guy in the back says angrily. "Now we have to pee in the boat."
(Reader's Digest, August 2003 - submitted by Dustin Godsey)
Joke 220
What would worry you more? Your 14 year old
daughter comes home from school saying that her class had a
sex-education lesson with a PRESENTATION OR Your 14-year-old
daughter comes home from school saying that she had sex TRAINING.
from Alexandra Graßler
Joke 219
Sunday was to be the day of Joe's wedding, and he
and his father were enjoying a nightcap together. Lifting his glass
in a toast to his father, Joe asked: "Any advice before I take the
big step, dad?" "Yes", the father said. "Two things. First: insist
on having one night out a week with the boys. Second: don't waste
it on the boys."
Joke 218
While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he
couldn't concentrate. Though they were married only a few years, he
reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and
essentially joyless. Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, "What
happened? Did I hurt you?" "No," said his surprised wife. "Why do
you ask?" "No reason, really," he replied with a sigh. "It was just
that for one moment there I thought you moved."
Joke 217
Carter had been back from his honeymoon only a
week when a friend asked him how he liked married life. "Why, it's
nice enough," was his reply. "It's almost like being in
love."
Joke 216
The whole thing is ridiculous. You take somebody
to lunch, you can't write it off unless you talk business. I took a
blonde to lunch the other day. I started to talk business, she
slapped me right in the face.
Joke 215
"Blondinenwitz" aus Amerika: A man was in his
front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened
it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little
later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and
slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As
the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again,
marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder
than ever!Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something
wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My computer
keeps saying: YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
Joke 214
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 15 Californian
Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy. Bush Capitalism: You
have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist
peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they
have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk. Martha
Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you
sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go
down.
Joke 213
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 14 Bureaucrat
Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other
and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out
forms accounting for the missing cows. Real Capitalism: You don't
have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans
you from milking them.
Joke 212
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 13 Totalitarian
Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned. Nevadan Capitalism: You have two
cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with
them. Jehovah‚s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go
door to door telling people that you do.
Joke 211
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 12 Mormon
Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should
as well. Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government
takes both and drafts you. Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You
teach them to fire guns.
Joke 210
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 11 Perestroika
Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as
you can and sell it on the black market. Jewish Capitalism: You
have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both
and shoots you.
Joke 209
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 10 Real-World
Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your
neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most
"ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no
one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. Australian
Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them. Iraqi
Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Joke 208
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 10 Real-World
Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your
neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most
"ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no
one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. Australian
Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.Iraqi
Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Joke 207
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 9 Clinton
Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by
ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you
as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. Gore
Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
Joke 206
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 8 Disney
Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing. Microsoft
Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else
who has them. Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give
them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb
and shoot milk out of their udders on command.
Joke 205
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 6 Enron
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a
tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow
to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys
your bull. Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to
Florida. Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with
(the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war
mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Joke 204
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 5 Hindu
Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them. Irish Capitalism:
You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they
emigrate. Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows,
right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell
the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become
doctors. So, who needs people?
Joke 203
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 4 Swiss
Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You
charge others for storing them. Canadian Capitalism: You have two
cows. Let‚s make a hockey team, eh? Chinese Capitalism: You
have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
Joke 202
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 3 British
Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad. Russian Capitalism:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again
and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka. Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one
on the left is kinda cute...
Joke 201
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 2 Japanese
Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them World-Wide. German Capitalism: You have two cows. You
reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves. Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you
don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
Joke 200
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 1 Traditional
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on
the income. American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one,
and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead. French Capitalism: You have two
cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Joke 199
Would you believe it, I used to play at Carnegie
Hall till the cops chased me away.
Joke 198
A woman is taking a shower. All of a sudden her
doorbell rings. She yells, "Who's there?" He says, "Blind man."
Well, she's a charitable lady. She runs out of the shower naked and
opens the door. He says, "Where should I put these blinds,
lady?"
Joke 197
Question: Two men are in love with me, Murray and
George. Who will be the lucky one? Answer: Murray will marry you.
George will be the lucky one.
Joke 196
When it comes to gambling, I only gamble for
laughs. In fact, last week I laughed away my car.
Joke 195
You meet the craziest people on the subway. One
guy sitting next to me kept saying, "Call me a doctor call
me a doctor." I asked, "What's the matter, are you sick?" He said,
"No, I just graduated from medical school."
Joke 194
What a fight! When the bell rang, I came out of
my corner and threw six straight punches in a row. Then the other
guy came out of his corner.
Joke 193
In her own eyes, Peggy was the most popular girl
in the world. "You know," she told her girlfriend, "A lot of men
are going to be miserable when I marry." "Really? How many are you
going to marry?"
Joke 192
Hoping to avoid the embarrassing attentions that
most hotels bestow on newlyweds, the honeymooners carefully removed
the rice from their hair, took the "Just Married" sign off their
car, and even scuffed their luggage to give it that traveled look.
Then, without betrying a trace of their eagerness, they ambled
casually into Miami Beach's Fontainebleau Hotel and up to the front
desk. where the groom said in a loud, booming voice, "We've
reserved a double bed with a room."
Joke 191
Noah Webster's wife, returning from a long trip,
discovered the lexicographer "in flagrante delicto" with a pretty
chambermaid. "Mr. Webster!" she gasped, "I am surprised!" "No, my
dear," said Webster with a reproving smile. "You are shocked; I am
surprised."
Joke 190
A ventriloquist with his puppet makes a joke
about blond women. Suddenly a feminist stands up and accuses him:
You make sexist jokes by promoting chauvinistic and humiliating
sterotypes about women, you should feel ashamed! The man is
intimdated and wants to beg pardon but the blonde counters: I'm not
talking to you but to your friend!
Joke 189
The unabashed dictionary defines adolescence as
the age between puberty and adultery.
Joke 188
The convertible glided silently to a stop on a
lonely country road. "Out of gas," he said, with a sly smile. "Yes,
I thought you might be," said his date, as she opened her big purse
and pulled out a rather large bottle. "Say, you are a swinger," he
said. "What do you have in there Scotch or Bourbon?"
"Gasoline," she replied.
Joke 187
A middle-aged friend of ours says he can't
understand all the excitement over the movie version of Lolita. "I
didn't see anything in it that could be considered even vaguely
sensational," he told us, "and neither did my twelve-year-old
wife."
Joke 186
One day in school young Johnny wrote on the
blackboard, "Johnny is a passionate devil." The teacher reprimanded
him for this act, and made him stay after school for one hour. When
he finally left the school that evening, all his friends crowded
around him, eager to hear what punishment he had received. "What
did she do to you?" asked one little tyke. "I ain't saying
nothing," Johnny replied, "except that it pays to advertise."
Joke 185
A guy comes home and finds his wife relaxing in
bed. All looks well till he notices a cigar in the ash tray.
Hebecomes furious and yells, "Where did that cigar come from?" A
voice from under the bed says, "Havana!"
Joke 184
A guy in the garment industry has a son who asks
him, "Daddy, what kind of a flower is that?" He says, "What am I, a
milliner?"
Joke 183
Two guys who work in the garment industry are
hunting game in Africa. They hear the growl of an animal behind
them. One says, "What kind of an animal is that?" The other says
"What am I a furrier?
Joke 182
He's the kind of a guy who drings Brazilian
coffee out of an English cup while devouring French pastry, sitting
on his Danish furniture after coming home in his German car from
seeing an Italian movie, he picks up his Japanese-made ball-point
and writes to his american Congressman, demanding that they stop
the flow of gold out of this country.
Joke 181
Do you know what it means to come home at night
to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a
little tenderness? It means you're not in your own house, that's
what it means
Joke 180
A father wants to cheer up his son: Come on boy,
smile! These are the most beautiful years of your life. Son: You
mean everything is going to get even worse...?!
Joke 179
I live so far out of town in the suburbs, the
mailman mails me my letters.
Joke 178
- A guy comes up in divorce court about alimony
payments. The judge says, "The Court shall grant this woman 250
dollars a week." The guy says, "That's very nice of you, Judge.
I'll pitch in a few dollars myself."
Joke 177
Statistics show that every four seconds a woman
gives birth to a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop
her.
Joke 176
The other day I was driving under the influence
of my wife. She talks and talks and talks. She gets two thousand
words to the gallon.
Joke 175
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago
it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today
a five-year-old does it.
Joke 174
The first part of our marriage was very happy.
But then on the way back from the wedding-ceremony …
Joke 173
My wife used to be a guitar player. She got rid
of the guitar and now just picks on me.
Joke 172
Now that I've learned to make the most of life,
most of it is gone.
Joke 171
The automobile of tommorrow will be faster than
sound. You'll be in the hospital before you start the motor.
Joke 170
- To give you an idea how difficult my wife can
be, she bought me two ties for my birthday. To please her I wore
one. She hollered, "What's the matter, don't you like the other
one?"
Joke 169
- The traffic was so heavy people were driving
bumper to bumper. I pushed in my cigarette lighter and the woman in
the car in front of me said, "Ouch!"
Joke 168
The meanest thing you can do to a woman is to
lock her in a room with a thousand hats and no mirror.
Joke 167
Everybody's on strike nowadays. We saw a guy
carrying a sign with nothing on it. "Who are you picketing
against?" I asked. He says, "Nobody. I'm looking for a
sponsor."
Joke 166
My new car is so modern you press a button and it
presses a button.
Joke 165
There's a new safety device on cars now. if you
want to turn right, press a button and a sign lights up that says,
"I'm turning right." Press another button and it says, "I'm turning
left." There's a special button for women drivers. it says, "I
don't know what I'm going to do next."
Joke 164
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I
controlled myself.
Joke 163
What good is happiness? It can't buy you
money.
Joke 162
My wife doesn't want to take weight off. She just
wants to rearrange it.
Joke 161
I don't have to do this for a living. I can
always starve to death.
Joke 160
I miss my wif's cooking as ofter as I
can.
Joke 159
A man doesn't know what real happiness is until
he's married. Then it's too late.
Joke 158
Las Vegas is the only town in the country where
you can have a wonderful time without enjoying yourself.
Joke 157
If you must drink while you're driving home, be
sure the radio in the car is turned up loud. That way you won't
hear the crash.
Joke 156
She puts that mud on her face before going to bed
at night. I say, "Goodnight, Swamp."
Joke 155
It was the final examination for an introductory
Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman
courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500
students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam
booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the
class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours
would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour
into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor
for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish
this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student
a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat
and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the
exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the
stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going
to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and
angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't,"
replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "Do you
know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice. "No, and
I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the
room.
Joke 154
I was up at the crack of six this morning. Took a
brisk walk to the bathroom and was back in bed at 6:05.
Joke 153
Four drunks looked at her, they took the
pledge.
Joke 152
An elderly man was visiting his doctor for a
check-up. The doctor said, "Mr. Jones, you're sound as a dollar.
You'll live to be eighty." "But I am eighty," Mr. Jones says. "See,
what did I tell you?"
Joke 151
There was a mix-up at the swank Fifth Avenue
florist shop. Wrong cards were attached to two imposing floral
wreaths. The one that went to a druggist moving to a new building
read: "Deepest sympathy." The one intended for the funeral of a
leading banker read: "Good luck in your new location."
Joke 150
The Farm Hand A successful farmer died and left
everything to his devoted Wife. She was a very good-looking woman,
and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about
farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm
hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the farm than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about
farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the farm was doing
very well. Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job and the farm looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels." He agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon
entering the room, he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with
a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to
her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he
did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,
ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and
placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly
unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now
take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties.
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then
she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you are fired on the spot."
Joke 149
We got a new foreign car with the motor in the
back. Pulled up in front of the Sherman hotel and the bellboy
opened up the back of the car. Before I knew it, the motor was up
in the room.
Joke 148
George is a worker at the lumbermill. One day,
while pushing a tree through the buzzsaw he accidentally cuts off
all ten of his fingers. He runs to the emergency room. The doctor
says, "My goodness! Well, give me your fingers, and I will see what
I can do for you." "I don't have the fingers" George answers. "What
do you mean, you don't have the fingers? We're in the third
millennium and we have microsurgery and lots of other incredible
techniques. I could put them back on and make your hands like new.
So, why didn't you bring your fingers?" George replies, "You see,
Doc, I couldn't pick them up." Einsender: Detlev Tesch
Joke 147
A big corporation sent their best managers to a
very expensive seminar. They were to learn to find solutions for
problems even in very unusual circumstances. On the second day some
of them had to measure the height of a flag pole. So they got
themselves a ladder and a tape measure. Since the ladder was too
short they fetched a table to put the ladder on. That didn't do it,
so they also got a chair, that they put on the table and the ladder
on top of the chair. However, the contraption kept falling over
again and again. Everybody was talking at the same time, bringing
forward different suggestions. Then a woman walks by, looking at
all that chaos. Without a word she pulls the flag pole out of the
ground, lays it down, grabs the tape measure, measures the pole
from one end to the other, jots the result down on a piece of paper
and hands it to one of the managers. As soon as she has disappeared
around the corner one manager says, "Typical woman. We have to
measure the pole's HEIGHT and she measures its LENGTH. That's why
we don't allow women in our management." Einsender: Detlev
Tesch
Joke 146
You know the world is going crazy when --- the
best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the
Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of
arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war. Einsender: Detlev
Tesch
Joke 145
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
for many years. His doctor was able to fit him with a set of
hearing aids and thus he was able to hear 100% again. Several weeks
after that the elderly gentleman went to see his doctor again and
was told, "Your hearing is just perfect now. All of your family
must be very pleased." "Oh, I have not told my family about it,
yet." The gentleman answered. "I simply sit around and listen to
them talking. I've changed my will three times by now."
Joke 144
My car is so worn out, every time I have to go
down to the finance company to make a payment on it, I have to take
a cab.
Joke 143
Before that he worked in a winery, stepping on
grapes. He got fired one day when they caught him sitting down on
the job.
Joke 142
Funny Thoughts (by George Carlin) "I went to a
bookstore and asked the saleswoman: 'Where's the self-help
section?' She said: "If I were to tell you that, it would defeat
the purpose."
Joke 141
Quick Wit: You are OLD", when your sweetie says,
"Let's go upstairs and make love." and you answer: "Pick one, I
can't do both!"
Joke 140
My wife has a nice even disposition. Miserable
all the time.
Joke 139
One thing I will say, she's very neat around the
house. If I drop ashes on the floor, she's right there to pick them
up. I throw my clothes down, she hangs them up immediately. I got
up at three the other morning, went in the kitchen to get a glass
of orange juice, I came back, I found the bed made.
Joke 138
I just solved the parking problem. I bought a
parked car. Things are rough. People are worried. I saw a man lying
in the gutter, I walked up and said, "Are you sick? Can I help
you?" He said, "No, I found a parking space, I sent my wife out to
buy a car."
Joke 137
A few weeks ago a doctor friend of mine had
trouble with his plumbing. The pipes in his bathroom began to leak.
The leak became bigger and bigger. Even though it was 2:00 A.M.,
the doctor decided to phone his plumber. Naturally, the plumber got
sore being awakened at that hour of the morning. "For Pet's sake,
Doc," he wailed, "this is some time to wake a guy." "Well," the
doctor answered testily, "you're never hesitated to call me in the
middle of the night with a medical problem. Now it just happens
I've got a plumbing emergency." There was a moment's silence. Then
the plumber spoke up. "Right you are, Doc," he agreed. "Tell me
what's wrong." The Doctor explained about the leak in the bathroom.
"Tell you what to do," the plumber offered. "Take two aspirins
every four hours, drop them down the pipe. If the leak hasn't
cleared up by morning, phone me at the office."
Joke 136
I called down to the desk. I said, "Is this room
service?" She said, "Yes." I said, "Send up a room."
Joke 135
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house.
Everytime the host needed something, he preceded his request to his
wife ba calling her, „My Love,“„Darling,“
„Sweetheart,“ etc., etc. While she was getting the
desert his friend looked at him and said, „That's really very
nice after all the years you've been married to keep saying those
little pet names.“ „Well, to be honest, I've forgotten
her name.“
Joke 134
At the age of 90 Bob Hope had changed his major
hobby, instead of golf he then preferred painting. Do you know shy?
- No. Tell me. - Less strokes!
Joke 133
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in
the middle of the night, insearch of a glass of water. Hearing a
lot of moaning and thumping, he peeksin and catches his folks in
The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims,"Oh,
boy, horse ride! Horse ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?
"Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon
mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight,
Daddy!! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get
bucked off!!!"
Joke 132
My car is so worn out, every time I have to go
down to the finance company to make a payment on it, I have to take
a cab.
Joke 131
I've got a brother-in-law who's a real character.
An elderly man, still chases women, but forgets what for.
Joke 130
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no
bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Joke 129
I wish he would learn a trade so we'd know what
kind of work he was out of.
Joke 128
All you married men, wan to drive your wives
crazy? When you go home, don't talk in your sleep just
grin.
Joke 127
My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud
pack. For two days she looked nice. Then the mud fell off.
Joke 126
The cutest little girl was giving me a manicure.
I said, "How's about a date later?" She said. "I'm married." I
said, "So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a
girl friend." She said, "Tell him yourself he's shaving
you."
Joke 125
One guy said to his wife, "On TV 9 saw an amazing
device that sews buttons right on clothes." His wife said, "That's
wonderful. What is it?" And the guy said, "A needle and
thread."
Joke 124
My wife should have been a lawyer. Every time we
have an argument and she feels she's losing, she takes it to the
higher court her mother.
Joke 123
The way she looks in the morning! She ran after
the garbage man and said, "Am I too late for the garbage?" He said,
"No, jump in."
Joke 122
I said to my mother-in-law, "My house is your
house." Last week she sold it.
Joke 121
I've been married for thirty-four years and I'm
still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out,
she'll kill me.
Joke 120
You know what's embarrassing? When you look
through a keyhole and you see another eye.
Joke 119
In Las Vegas, a man walked up to his wife and
said, "Give me the money I told you not to give me."
Joke 118
An art theatre: that's a place where the theatre
is clean, the picture are filthy.
Joke 117
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one
said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today. I just hate it when the
children play inside."
Joke 116
Can she talk! She was in Miami, and when she got
home, her tongue was sunburned. She missed her nap today. She slept
right through it.
Joke 115
A man went to Las Vegas with a $ 7,000 Cadillac
and came home with a $ 75,000 bus.
Joke 114
Here's my life story. I came from a very poor
family. They couldn't afford to have children, so our neighbor had
me.
Joke 113
Walked into a store and said, "This is my wife's
birthday. I'd like to buy her a beautiful fountain pen." The clerk
winked at me and said, "A little surprise, huh?" I said, "Yes,
she's expecting a Cadillac."
Joke 112
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he
called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that
the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store
charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off
reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Joke 111
I took my car down to see what I could get for it
on a trade-in. One dealer took a look at it and offered me a
ball-point pen.
Joke 110
I bought a suit that comes from London. It was
brought here and sold to a wholesaler. The wholesaler sold it to a
retailer and the retailer sold it to me. To think all those people
are making a living out of something I haven't paid for.
Joke 109
How much does a femal brain cost? In the hospital
the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family
member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one
at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The
family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200
for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room
tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women, but some
actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted
out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so
much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to
the entire group said," It's just standard pricing procedure. We
have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've
actually been used."
Joke 108
A rugged Texan, dripping with oil and Cadillacs,
walked into an exclusive art gallery in New York with his nagging
wife. In fifteen minutes flat the Texan bought six Picassos, three
Renoirs, ten Cézanes, and thirty Utrillos. He then turned to
his wife and with a sigh of relief said. "There, honey chile, that
takes care of the Christmas cards. Now let's get started on the
serious shopping."
Joke 107
A man in a supermarket - he seems utterly
overwhelmed and lost ... he is so very worried and absentminded
that he bumps right into another man who is behaving just like he
is. The first man says, "I'm sorry. I'm quite distracted ... I'm
looking for my wife." The second man answers, "Outch! Well, I'm
looking for my wife, too. What does yours look like?" "Her name is
Susie. A gorgeous blonde, about 1m75 tall, her hair is shoulder
length and her black lace bra is well filled .. and her smile is a
little naughty. What does your wife look like?" "Oh, forget about
mine! Let's look for yours...!"
Joke 106
Now to do this you must go to diction school.
They teach you how to speak clearly. To do this they fill your
mouth with marbles and you're supposed to talk clearly right
through the marbles. Now every day you lose one marble. When you've
lost all your marbles …
Joke 105
Expensive hotel: Finally got a room and bath for
thirty dollars a day. I didn't go to the beach once. I just stayed
in my room and watched it.
Joke 104
Fellow bought a mouse-trap for his cellar. When
he went to set it, he found that he had forgotten to buy cheese, so
he cut a piece of cheese from a magazine and placed this in the
trap. Surprisingly enough this worked. When he went down the next
morning, he found in the trap a picture of a mouse.
Joke 103
I say a drunk walk up to a parking meter and put
in a dime. The dial went to 60. He said, "How do you like that. I
weigh on hour." HU'S ON FIRST (We take you now to the Oval Office
with Condoleeza Rice & George Bush...) George: Condi! Nice to
see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about
the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is
the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi:
That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you.
Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the
fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm
asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you
not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East! Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No,
sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader
of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention
it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi:
Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.? Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And
stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi:
Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the
phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice?
Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too...maybe we should send
some to the guy in China! And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
Joke 102
They have a new thing nowadays called Nicotine
Anonymous. It's for people who want to stop smoking. When you feel
a craving for a cigarette, you simply call up another member and he
comes over and you get drunk together. They have a new thing
nowadays called Nicotine Anonymous. It's for people who want to
stop smoking. When you feel a craving for a cigarette, you simply
call up another member and he comes over and you get drunk
together.
Joke 101
Some people ask, how do you become a comedian?
Well, to become a comedian, you tell your friends a lot of jokes,
you get them all together, you keep the good ones, before you know
it you're a riot at a party. Somebody says, "You ought to go on the
stage." Like an idiot, you believe them.
Joke 100
Did you hear about the rich kid from Dallas who
walked up to Santa Claus and said, "Santa, what do you need?"
Joke 99
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful
presents I can't wait to exchange.
Joke 98
Want to drive somebody crazy? Send him a wire
saying, "Ignore first wire." Another way to drive a guy crazy: Send
him a telegram and on top put "Page 2".
Joke 97
Some man lost a lot of money in Las Vegas. He's
fed up, he's disgusted, he's driving out of town. From out of the
mountains he hears a voice saying, "Go back to Las Vegas, go back
to Las Vegas." He figures this is a good omen, he drives back to
Las Vegas at eighty miles an hour. He gets back to Las Vegas, the
voice says, "Go into the Sands Hotel to gamble this time." So he
goes into the Sands Hotel. The voice says, "Play roulette, put $
2,000 on Number 8." He does that. Number 6 comes up. He loses. The
voice says, "How about that!"
Joke 96
I was in the lobby of the Sherman Hotel and I
found a man's hand in my pocket. I said, "What do you want?" He
said, "I want a match." I said, "Why don't you ask for it?" He
said, "I don't talk to strangers."
Joke 95
My mother tells the joke about two little old
ladies meeting. One says to the other, "What did you do to your
hair? It looks awful it looks like a wig." She says. "It is
a wig." The other woman says, "You know, you could never
tell."
Joke 94
A couple in Hollywood got divorced. Then they got
remarried. The divorce didn't work out. A rich guy in Dallas bought
his kid a chemistry outfit du Pont.
Joke 93
When a woman puts on a dinner dress, it doesn't
necessarily mean she's going to dinner. And when she dons a
cocktail dress, it doesn't mean necessarily that she's going to a
cocktail party. But when she puts on a wedding dress, you know she
means business.
Joke 92
When I was a kid I had no watch. I used to tell
time by my violin. I used to practice in the middle of the night
and the neighbors yould yell, "Fine time to praktice violin, three
o'clock in the morning!"
Joke 91
An actress in Hollywood got divorced, she took
her four kids with her. There was an actor out there who got
divorced, and the took his four kids with him. Then they met, they
fell in love, they got married and had four kids of their own. One
day she looked out the window, she said, "Darling, your kids and my
kids are beating the heck out of our kids!"
Joke 90
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French and
even the waiter was surprised. It was a Chinese restaurant.
Joke 89
A lot of people are desperate today. A fellow
walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?" I said no.
He said, "Stick 'em up!" Another fellow walked up to me and said,
"Stick 'em down." I said, "You mean stick'em up." He said, "No
wonder I haven't made any money."
Joke 88
A father was explaining ethics to his son who was
about to go into business: "Supposing a woman comes in and orders $
100 worth of material. You wrap it up and give it to her. She pays
you with a $ 100 bill. As she goes out the door, you realize she
has given you two $ 100 bills. Here's where the ethics some in.
Should you or shouldn't you tell your partner?"
Joke 87
My arm started to hurt me. I said, "Doctor,
examine my arm." He looked at my arm, he brought out a medical book
and studied it for fifteen minutes. He said to me, "Have you ever
had that pain before?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, you got it
again."
Joke 86
A young co-worker asks Humphrey the secret of his
long marriage. Humphrey: „We take time to go to a restaurant
twice a week; a little candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow
walk home. Mary goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.“
Joke 85
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a glass
of whiskey. The bartender answers, „Sorry, we don't serve
food.“
Joke 84
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house.
Everytime the host needed something, he preceded his request to his
wife ba calling her, „My Love,“„Darling,“
„Sweetheart,“ etc., etc. While she was getting the
desert his friend looked at him and said, „That's really very
nice after all the years you've been married to keep saying those
little pet names.“ „Well, to be honest, I've forgotten
her name.“
Joke 83
Questions 1: If a plane crashed on the border of
the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried? 2: How
many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark? 3. How
many months have 28 days?(THINK this is a lil' too much!) 4. How
far can a bear walk into the woods? 5. What is the value of coin
dated 24 B.C.? 6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record
have? 7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile
east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive
at her camp. What color is the bear? 8. If a rooster lays an egg on
the peak of a roof , will the egg roll to the left side or to the
right side? 9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a
rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at
35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow? 10. On which side
of a chicken are the most feathers? Scroll down for the answers ...
ANSWERS: 1. You don't bury survivors. 2. Moses didn't have an Ark,
Noah did. 3. All twelve of them. 4. Half way, then he is walking
out of the woods. 5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC. 6. One
(spiraling) on each side. 7. The camp must be at the north pole,
therefore the bear is white. 8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens
do. 9. Electric trains don't blow smoke. 10. The outside.
Joke 82
MY WIFE WENT TO THE BEAUTY SHOP AND GOT A MUD
PACK. FOR TWO DAYS SHE LOOKED NICE. THEN THE MUD FELL OFF.
Joke 81
She puts that cold cream on at night an inch
thick, and she puts those curlers in her hair, then she puts a
fishing net over the whole thing. She said: „Kiss me.„
I said: „Take me to your leader.„
Joke 80
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a
table, and when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, "I
want a quickie." She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please
give me your order? Again he says, "I want a quickie." She slaps
him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you
want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to
the man; "I think it's pronounced quiche."
Joke 79
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all
Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No,
there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected
I promise...'"
Joke 78
A swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at
a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung,
sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at
him. " Excusez-moi, parlez-vous francais?" The two continue to
stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan usted espanol?"
Still nothing The swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The
first Englishmen turns to the second and says; "Y'ou know, maybe we
should learn a foreign language ..." "Why?" says the other, "That
bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 77
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: .Compliment her .cuddle
her .kiss her .caress her .love her .stroke her .tease her .comfort
her .protect her .hug her .hold her .spend money on her .wine &
dine her .buy things for her .listen to her .care for her .stand by
her .support her .go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO
IMPRESS A MAN: .Show up naked. .Bring beer.
Joke 76
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the
neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a
company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The
Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the
interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Joke 75
"HAVE YOU TRIED TAI CHI?" "NO, I DON'T LIKE SPICY
FOOD."
Joke 74
"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Have you seen a doctor?" "No, just spots."
Joke 73
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence,
one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you
consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself." Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 72
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and
stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her
house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready
to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox,
opening it and slamming it even harder than ever! Puzzled by her
actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she
replied, "There certainly is!" My computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL!"
Joke 71
The Saga of Hotel Soap The following letters were
taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of
it's guests. The Hotel submitted the letters to the London Sunday
Times for their humor column. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any
more of those little bars of soap in mybathroom since I have
brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened
little bars from the shelf under the medicine chestand another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S.
Berman Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back
tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out
of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf
I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in
case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I
left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3
soaps daily. I hope this issatisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid Dear
Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not
tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.
When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicinecabinet. I am going to
be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last
Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed
by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the
shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the
Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove
the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placedinside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of
further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty Dear Mr. Berman, The
assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your
maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you
will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have
any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my
personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank
you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible
to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at
7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I
called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only
asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars onthe
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman Dear Mr.
Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering
soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of
further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM
and5PM.Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mr. Kensedder, My
bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had
to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S.
Berman Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine
Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no
soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of
soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified
immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the
hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do youre alize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
soI personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken
and the3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24
Camays plus the3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some
bath-size Ivory which I leftin your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my
latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On the shelf under
medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4and 1 stack of 2. - On
the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack
of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside the
medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2. - In
the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On the northeast
corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On the
northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask
Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacksare neatly
piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than
4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman Copyright: Shelly Berman
"A Hotel Is a Place"S. Berman
Joke 70
Taxiing down the tarmac, a plane abruptly
stopped, turned aroundd and returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked
the filigt attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was
bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "So it
took an hour to fix the problem?" the passenger aasked. "No," he
replied, "It took us an hour to find another pilot." Copyright
Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 69
An old couple was sitting on the veranda as they
had for many years. "I was just thinking", said the old lady,
"we've haaad a great life togehther, but sooner or later, one of us
will pass away." "Yes, but don't worry about that now," said her
husband. "Well, I was just thinking, when it happens, I think I'd
like to go to Scotland." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender
(vergriffen)
Joke 68
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:
with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater
emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if
I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously
and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn
# 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Joke 67
A man goes into a drug store and asks the
pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The
pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack)
"What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the
hiccups anymore do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the
car still does!"
Joke 66
A wife comes running home from the store and into
the house screaming at the top of her lunga, „Pack, pack! I
won the lottery!“ The husband, all exicited, runs up to her
and says, „Pack? Where are we going? The islands? The
mountains? Pack for where?“ The wife replies, „I don't
give a damn. Just pack and GET OUT!“Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 65
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife
and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the
Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she
insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked
up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling
sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick,
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife
cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter
husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself
out of it."
Joke 64
Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to
who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold
a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their
computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several
hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is
restored, and God announces that the contest has ended. God asks
Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries,
"I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!"
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus
enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of
3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the
speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do
that?!" God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"
Joke 63
A car was involved in accident in a street. As
expected, a large crowd gathered. A new paper reporter, anxios to
get his story, could not get near the car. Beeing a clever sort, he
started shouting loudly, „Let me throug! Let me trough! I am
the son of the victim.“ The crowd made way for him. Lying in
front of the car was a donkey. Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 62
Little Debbie came running into the house after
school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school
today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her Daddy. "Come in the
living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I
got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science..."
Joke 61
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when
suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air.
Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head
over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the
ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in
mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds:"I thought you
didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man
pleaded "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster
either!"
Joke 60
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
the student body: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, and vice versa. Anyone caught breaking this rule
once will be fined $500. Anyone caught breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $1000. A third time will cost you $2000. Any
questions?" A male voice: "How much for a season pass?"
Joke 59
Three kids are playing in the street and get hit
by a garbage truck. They all go to heaven and God says to them,
"You weren't supposed to die - you were all supposed to live out
your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let
you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump
off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to
Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be." The 1st
kid takes a running leap and shouts "I want to be an attorney." And
so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of
money, with an upcoming appointment to the Supreme Court. The 2nd
kid takes his turn and shouts "I want to be a brain surgeon." And
so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of
medicine and making a ton of money saving lives. The 3rd kid goes
to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and
stumbles off the cloud muttering "....clumsy bastard.." And so, 20
years later................. he's still playing left back for
England...
Joke 58
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife
is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is
this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted,
"this is her husband!" Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender
(vergriffen)
Joke 57
God brings Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates into
his office and says "Men, I've decided to bring the world to an end
this Thursday -- I want you to go back and tell your people." Upon
his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of
America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all
these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been
right -- there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the
world on Thursday." Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian
people and says "Brave comrades, I have bad news and bad news. The
first bad news is that we've been wrong all these years -- there
really is a God. The other bad news is that he is destroying the
world on Thursday." Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft.
"I have good news and more good news!" he tells them. "The first
good news is that God called a meeting of the three people he
thinks are the most important in the world and I was one of them.
The other good news that that OS/2 stops shipping Thursday.
Joke 56
This joke was sent to us by Mr. Michael
Schwanhäuser of the insider-bookstore. Thanks :-) A bum, who
obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a
well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare
two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not
going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink,"
retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some crap
game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble,"
answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for
greens fees, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I
don't play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come
home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity
gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she
sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but
it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who
doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
Joke 55
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivides
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep . Copyright
Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 54
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa
one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning
into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered
it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of
the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be
right over," said the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his
wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the
doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
Joke 53
Walking up to a department store's fabric
counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a
new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss per meter," replied
the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll
take ten meters." With expectation and anticipation written all
over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the
cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package
and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will
pay the bill," she smiled.
Joke 52
Jesus and Joseph Jesus is walking around heaven,
feeling nostalgic for his earthly life and family. He decides to
look for Joseph to catch up on old times. He sees an old man and
goes up to him. Jesus: "Excuse me, I'm looking for my father." Old
Man: "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my son." Jesus: "Well, my
father wasn't really my biological father, but he loved me like a
son anyway." Old Man: "What a coincidence! My son wasn't my real
son, either, but I loved him as my own." Jesus: "Well, my father
was a carpenter." Old Man: "What a coincidence! I was a carpenter,
too!" Jesus: "Wow! Well, when I was a child, I left home for a long
time, and when I finally came back, I experienced a magical
transformation and became something completely different from what
I'd been before." Old Man: "Wow! The same thing happened to my
son!" Jesus: "Father!" Old Man: "Pinocchio!"
Joke 51
The patient's family gathered to hear what the
specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is
a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might
work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you
will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a
brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For
a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried
to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they
understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was
unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male
brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the
head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because
they have actually been used."
Joke 50
One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge
dog. The mailman said to the boy, „Does your dog
bite?“„No,“ replied the boy. Just then the hug
dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, „I thought your dog
doesn't bite!“ „He doesn't“ replied the boy,
„That's not my dog!“ Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 49
A young man once asked God how long a million
years was to him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like
a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a
million dollars was to him.God replied, "A million dollars to me is
just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his
courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God
replied, "Certainly, just a second."
Joke 48
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and
Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the
summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning
of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer
retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting
Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen
. . .had to be a girl! We should've known. Only women would be able
to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one
night, and not get lost.
Joke 47
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas at Microsoft when
the first bug appeared, my manager said to me see if it happens
again. when the second bug appeared, my manager said to me ask them
how they did it, see if it happens again. when the third bug
appeared, my manager said to me try to reproduce it, ask them how
they did it, see if it happens again. when the fourth bug appeared,
my manager said to me use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them
how they did it, see if it happens again. when the fifth bug
appeared, my manager said to me ask for a dump, use a debugger, try
to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again.
when the sixth bug appeared, my manager said to me reinstall the
software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask
them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the seventh bug
appeared, my manager said to me say they need an upgrade, reinstall
the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it,
ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the eighth
bug appeared, my manager said to me find a way around it, say they
need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a
debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it
happens again. when the ninth bug appeared, my manager said to me
blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an
upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger,
try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens
again. when the tenth bug appeared, my manager said to me change
the documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it,
say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump,
use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see
if it happens again. when the eleventh bug appeared, my manager
said to me say its not supported, change the documentation, blame
it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade,
reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to
reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again.
when the twelfth bug appeared, my manager said to me tell them its
a feature of Microsoft, say its not supported, change the
documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say
they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a
debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it
happens again.
Joke 46
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just
before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are
sleeping."
Joke 45
This is the "hairy story": What happened to me
this Easter.... I was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit jump
out across the middle of the road. I swerved to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
Sensitive man as well as an animal lover, I pull over and get out
to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to my dismay, the rabbit
is dead. I feel so awful that I begin to cry. A beautiful blonde
woman driving down the highway sees me crying on the side of a road
and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks me what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," I explain, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and
pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit
jumps up, waves its paw at the two of us and hops off down the
road. One meter away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another meter, turns and waves, hops
another meter, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again, until he hops out of sight. I was astonished. I turn to
woman and demand, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that
rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that I can read the
label. It says -and you won't believe this: (Are you ready for
this?) (Are you sure?) (This is bad!) (You know you could just
click off and not read the punch line) (You know you're gonna be
sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Joke 44
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I
plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as
he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of
hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went
up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Joke 43
A priest is walking down the road when he sees
one of his parishoners walking the other way. His arm is in a
sling, his head in bandages and he's on crutches with his leg in
plaster. The priest cries out: "Mick! Mick! Lord, Mick, what have
you been doing? Oh, Mick, you have been foightin' Mick! Mick,
foightin' is an evil ting Mick...an evil ting! Oh, have mercy Lord,
Mick has been foightin'." Mick stands and says nothing. "Tell, me
Mick, who did this to ya? Who did this evil ting to ya Mick?"Mick
replies, "Paddy Murphy, father" "Paddy Murphy! Oh Mick, Paddy
Murphy is an evil man, Mick! He is a heethen Mick, heethen I tell
ya! Oh, Mick, no, not Paddy Murphy, Mick!" Mick says, "He was
holdin' a beeseball bat, Father." "A beeseball bat! My God, Mick!
Tell me Mick, what were you holdin'?" Mick replies, "Paddy Murphy's
wife."
Joke 42
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can
take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not
extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created
Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God
said. "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got
Forbidden Fruit!" " No way!" " Yes WAY!" "Don't eat that fruit!"
said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God,
wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few
minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve
answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did Not!" "DID so!" "DID
NOT!!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was
that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the
pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a
reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard
on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you
think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Joke 41
My wife came home from work the other day and
told me that her car was making funny noises. Of couse she asked me
to look at it. Wanting to do my part in helping her become an
indepedent woman, I suggested that she find the problem herself or
take it to a mechanic.(actually I wouldn't know a spark plug from a
air filter) So she scowls at me and huffs and puffs out the door.
When she returned, I asked in my best concerned voice, "Everything
okay with your car now dear?" "Yes...but no thanks to you"! she
replied. "I was worried that the mechanic might try to rip me off."
"But I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth
of blinker fluid."
Joke 40
There was a middle-aged couple who had two
stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided
to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months
of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months
later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified
to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and
said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her
a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!" The
wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
Joke 39
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a
man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After awhile the kid
comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son,
both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is
Michael Jackson God?"
Joke 38
Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and
taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as
the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun,
who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just
fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered
by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can
you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned
sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's
a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns
are not spinsters - they are married to God!" "Really?," said Mr.
Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law!"
Joke 37
The recreational director of a mental hospital
wanted to take a well behaved group of patients to a baseball game.
The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When
the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved
they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed. The
group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director
shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!"
Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third
inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running
helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that everything
was just fine until someone had called out: "Peanuts!"
Joke 36
A jet-set Lebanese parked his brand-new BMW in
front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he
got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door
on the driver's side. The Lebanese immediately grabbed his cell
phone,dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions,the Lebanese
started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues
reached the scene too. His BMW,which he had just picked up the day
before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter what the body shop did to it. When the Lebanese finally
wound down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic
you Lebanese are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions
that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a
thing?" asked the Lebanese. The policeman replied, "Didn't you
notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must
have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh My God!" screamed
the Lebanese. "Where's my Rolex watch?"
Joke 35
My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace
was to finish things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of
potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's and a small box
of chocolate candy. I feel better already.
Joke 34
This guy comes home from work one day to find his
dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead
and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him
forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and
gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into
the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of
natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks
the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around
and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?". The neighbor replies,
"We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is
that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had
dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There
must be some real sick people out there!"
Joke 33
An elderly couple were driving across the
country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the
highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were
speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and
asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were
speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman
turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man
yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer
her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I
spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the
ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and
asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows
you!"
Joke 32
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s
office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his
office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very
serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don`t do the
following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy
breakfast. Be pleasant and make shure he is in a good mood. For
lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially
nice meal for him. Don`t burden him with chores. Don`t discuss your
stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most
importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of
the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I
think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way
home, the husband asked his wife,"What did the doctor say to you?"
"You`re going to die."
Joke 31
What's Happening The Master of the house is
comfortably installed in an armchair in the library, reading a
newspaper. Suddenly, John, his butler rips the door open and
shouts: "Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!" The master looks
up calmly from the newspaper and says: "John, please. I have
already told you. If you do have something important to tell me,
first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet and
civilized manner, about the issue. Now please, do so". John
apologizes and closes the door behind him. Three seconds after, the
Master hears a knock on the door. "Yes?" John partially enters the
room, and with a wide gesture makes an invitation as for somebody
on the outside to enter: "Sir, the Thames".
Joke 30
If you could imagine this, two priests and a
rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they
kept for themselves.The first priest explained that he drew a
circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the
money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept, and
what landed outside the circle God kept. The second priest claimed
that his method was almost the same, except that what landed
outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed
inside the circle God kept. The rabbi said, "I've got you both
beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God
takes!"
Joke 29
A budding artist asked the gallery owner if there
had been any interest in his paintings on display in his art
gallery. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The
good news is that a gentleman did inquire about your work and
wondered if the paintings would appreciate in value after your
death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings!" "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "So what's
the bad news?"..."The guy was your doctor."
Joke 28
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one
of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down
as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little
Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
Joke 27
A large two-engine train was crossing America.
After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the
train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform
the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the
following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really
good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone
some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the
engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the
line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a
standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers
about why the train had stopped, and made the following
announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news
and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed,
and we are stuck here for some time." "The really good news is that
this not United Airlines!"
Joke 26
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling
somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu.. Broiled
Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician:
$100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such
a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you
ever tried to clean one of them?"
Joke 25
A plane was taking off from the airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an
announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
Captain. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should
have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. ... OH MY GOD...
DAMN!!!!!" Silence. gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!" "That's nothing," said a passenger in coach. "He should
see the back of mine!"
Joke 24
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the
neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a
company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The
Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the
interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Joke 23
The situation: lets say that you're a
photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling
alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the
Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have
been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures
destroyed. You come across George W Bush who has been swept away by
the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is
about to go under.you can either put down your camera and save him,
or take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him as he loses his
grip on the limb. So,........ here's the dilemma, and think
carefully before you answer the question below. Which lens would
you use? The situation: lets say that you're a photographer out
getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking
for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the Midwest, and there
is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water
supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. You come across
George W Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is
barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.you can
either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer prize
winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So,........ here's the dilemma, and think carefully before you
answer the question below. Which lens would you use?
Joke 22
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa
one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning
into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered
it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of
the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be
right over," said the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his
wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the
doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
Joke 21
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he
replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having
my child! What do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considers
this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I
know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one
day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella
instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly
bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it
at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front
of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest." "That's
impossible Doc! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man
said. "Exactly" replied the his Doctor
Joke 20
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where
the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the
wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around
the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I
wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook
his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked
the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well,
did you see this?""Yes," motioned the monkey."What happened?"The
monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer.he monkey shakes his
head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey pinched his fingers together and
held them to his mouth."They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey
shakes his head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.The monkey
shakes his head "Yes.""Now wait, you're saying your owners were
drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."The monkey
shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
Joke 19
The room was full of pregnant women and their
partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was
teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing
the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the
plan. The teacher then said, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt
you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!" The room
really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she
carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Joke 18
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the
countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many
long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went
to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you
be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am
so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we
cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s
a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but
maybe they`ll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I`ll go
right now.Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was
Catholic?!"
Joke 17
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle
her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke he , tease her, comfort
her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine &
dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by
her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO
IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.
Joke 16
God Wants A Vacation God is tired, worn out. So
he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any
suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head,
then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time
of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much
gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter
reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams.
"It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his
face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your
vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand
years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl,
and they're STILL talking About it!"
Joke 15
Fresh out of college, a blonde began her new job
as an elementary school counselor. One day during recess she
noticed a boy standing by himself at the end of a field, while the
rest of the kids played soccer. She asked if he was all right and
the boy said he was fine. a little while later she approached him
again. „Would you like me to be your friend?“ she
asked. The boy hesitated then said, „OK.“ Feeling that
she was making progress, she then asked, „Why are you
standing all alone?“„Because,“ the boy said,
„I'm the goalie.“
Joke 14
After the honeymoon A young couple got married
and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride
immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, so -- how
was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was
wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But,
mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible
language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful
4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...
PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me,
what could be so awful? "WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make
me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed- they're
just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must
tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible
4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words
like: Dust, Wash, iron,Cook...
Joke 13
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Joke 12
Wedding night Not Miss A Thing A honeymoon couple
book into the hotel. The lady has a shower, puts on French perfume,
a see through negligee and lays on the bed all seductive. The man,
in his cotton pajamas (plus white tie cord) stands at the window
looking out at the sky. "Come to bed dear" she coos seductively.
"Not tonight dear" he replies, "my mum said that this would be the
best night of my life and I don't want to miss anything".
Joke 11
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The
conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that
they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My
husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on
vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new
Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three
says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much
money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one
thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can
stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the
first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession
to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I
was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's
to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your
honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a
Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to
make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
Joke 10
God Wants A Vacation God is tired, worn out. So
he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any
suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head,
then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time
of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much
gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter
reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams.
"It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his
face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your
vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand
years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl,
and they're STILL talking About it!“
Joke 9
Senior Driver As a senior citizen was driving
down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his
wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
Joke 8
Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men
than for women? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's
already there.
Joke 7
Burglar & Jesus Late one night, a burglar
broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the
living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud
voice say: " Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house,
so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the
voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was
frightened. Frantically , he looked around. In a dark corner, he
spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the
parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said
the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the
parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a
dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you
Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the
Rottweiller Jesus."
Joke 6
The Joys of Yiddish The first riddle I ever
heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to
me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet
-- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in
final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring,"
I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there."
"But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a
herring isn't wet." "If it's just painted it's still wet." "But --
" I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring doesn't
whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make
it hard."
Joke 5
Pope and fishing Priests A priest decides to take
a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally
stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices,
and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of
hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever
fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for
him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the
priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The
fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, please
sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY)
"I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a
sonofabitch!" Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the
trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please,
mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't
understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I
caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean
this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop
takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head
Mother: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what
the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it,
and we'd like you to cook it." Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook
that sonofabitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with
the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks
where they got it. Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!" Bishop: "And
I cleaned the sonofabitch!" Head Mother: "And I cooked the
sonofabitch!" The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely
gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table,
and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright."
Joke 4
All things are relative A young man once asked
God how long a million years was to him.God replied,"A million
years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the
young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied,
" A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then
the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one
of your pennies?" God replied, " Certainly, just a second."
Joke 3
Q: What do electric train sets and woman's
breasts have in common? A: Both were intended for children, but
it's the father who plays with them.
Joke 2
Pepsi and Coke An airplane full of a shipment of
Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few
weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the
area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of
the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The
Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief
replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew
were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief
replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" Another
rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate
their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally
perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat
their...ah, err, 'things' ??" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the
rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with
Coke."
Joke 1
Where is God ? In a certain suburban
neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were
exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood,
it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at
their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest
nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the
father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father
replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the
priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see
the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the
priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk
he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at
each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy
and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the
corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder,
the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the
boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder,
firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his
forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The
boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother,
he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where
they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in
BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG
trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we
did it."
in
ENGLISCH:
Joke 445
Question: A person who speaks three languages is
called „trilingual“. And a person, who speaks two
languages is called „bilingual“. What do you call a
person, who only speaks one language? Answer: American!
Joke 444
A passengertrain is creeping along, slowly.
Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor outside.
„What's going on?“ she yells out the window. „Cow
on the track!“ replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the
train resumes its slow place. Within five minutes it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor again. She leans out the window
an yells: „What happened“ Did we catch up with the cow
again?“
Joke 443
A woman patient had been going to a psychiatrist
for three years. Finally, at the end of a visit, the doctor said:
„It is my pleasure to pronounce you completely cured.“
An unhappy expression came over the woman's face. „What's
wrong?“ asked the doctor „I thought you'd be greatly
pleased.“ „That's what you thought“she said
„But look at it from my point of view, three years ago, I was
Joan of Arc, now I'm nobody.“
Joke 442
On a transatlantik flight, a priest finds himself
seated next to a rabbi. They start talking and become quite
friendly. After a while the priest says to the rabbi: „Have
you ever eaten a ham sandwich?“ The rabbi confesses that he
did indeed once eat a ham sandwich. he then says to the priest:
„Father, you ever had sex with a woman?“The priest
confesses that he has. „Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich,
doesn't it?“ says the rabbi.
Joke 441
A woman, who played cards one night a month with
a couple of friends, was concerned, that she always woke up her
husband, when she came home around 1:30 at night. One night she
tried not to rouse him. She undressed in the livingroom and, purse
over her arm, tiptoed nude in the bedroom, only to find her husband
sitting up in bed reading. „Damm woman!“ he exclaimed.
„Did you lose everything?“
Joke 440
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a
plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for
600 Dollar. The doctor exclaimed: „This is ridiculous! I
don't even make that much as a doctor!“ The plumber:
„Neither did I when I was a doctor.“
Joke 439
A Californian walked into the New York Public
Library and asked the librarian, where the self-help books were.
She replied: „If I told you, it would defeat the whole
purpose.“
Joke 438
Rebbe, I don't understand, if you go to a poor
man, he is friendly and offers help. But if you go to a rich man,
he doesn't even look at you. What is it with all that money?“
The Rabbi said: „Go to the window. What do you see?“
„I see a woman with a child. And a barrow on the way to the
market.“ „Well, and now go to the mirror, what do you
see?“ „Nu, Rebbe, what am I gonna see? Myself.“
„Now you see, the window is made out of glass, and the mirrow
is made out of glass. It needs just a bit of silver behind it, and
then you only see your own face.“
Joke 437
There was a terrible fog in Ireland. Two drivers
collided. They groped their way out of their cars and approached
each other. „I had right of way!“ said the first.
„Possibly, but it doesn't matter,“ replied the other,
„We are in my garage.“ Joke 436
Joke 436
My mother in law said: When you're dead, i'll
dance on your grave.“ „Good“, I said, „I'm
going to make sure I'm buried at sea.“
Joke 435
My mother in law said: "When you're dead, I'll
dance on your grave." "Good", I said, "I'm going to make sure I'm
buried at sea."
Joke 434
Teacher on a parents-evening: „I will now
explain the progressive techniques of motivation by which children
are taught - please keep quiet, sit up straight and don't
fidget.“
Joke 433
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a
good cook.
Joke 432
Asked what he thought about heaven and hell, Mark
Twain replied: „I don't want to express an opinion, because I
have friends in both places.“
Joke 431
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition 'My Dog' is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No,
sir. It's the same dog.
Joke 430
„Congratulations Harry,“said the
bridgegroom's uncle. „I'm sure, you'll look back on today and
remember it as the happiest day of your life.“„But I'm
not getting married until tomorrow,“ replied Harry. „I
know, I know, replied his uncle.
Joke 429
One day around ten o'clock in the morning as the
boss arrived at the barber's, he saw his bookkeeper aitting there.
„What, you're having a haircut during your work time?“
„Well“, the bookkeeper replied, „My hair was
growing during work time as well.“
Joke 428
A merchant from Genoa had to go to a business
trip just before a trial. He asked his solicitor to inform him
about the sentence by email. After the trial his solicitor sent a
mail: „Justice has triumphed.“ Right away he got a
response: „Appeal immediately.“
Joke 427
Two old hippies arrange to meet each other.
„So, are we going to meet tomorrow?“„Yeah“
„Where?“ „Wherever you want to.“ „And
when?“ „Makes no difference to me.“ „Ok.
But please, be on time.“
Joke 426
A woman browsing though an antique store, sees a
cat drinking milk from a saucer. She recognizes the saucer as a
rare antique piece. Trying to be clever, she says to the lady
running the store: How much do you want for the cat?“ The
woman says: “Ten pounds.“ The buyer goes on: While I'm
at it, could I give you another pound for the saucer?“ The
cat seems to enjoy drinking from it.“ The shopkeeper shakes
her head: Sorry, but so far I've sold nineteen cats from that one
saucer.“
Joke 425
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with
'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Joke 424
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all
parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe
everything your children says happens at school, I'll promise not
to believe everything he says happens at home."
Joke 423
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who
keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A
teacher
Joke 422
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Joke 421
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking
about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Joke 420
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her breasts
went!
Joke 419
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it
is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Joke 418
For the first time in many years, a an old man
traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After
buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase
some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but
comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15
cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're
really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
Joke 417
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without
using the tables.
Joke 416
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house
with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday,
I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago
and I hadn't paid for them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm
blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him
just exactly what his fast- talking sales guy had told ME last
year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! “Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed
about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't
underestimate a blonde anymore.
Joke 415
An honest man was being tailgated by a
stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at
the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the
roof-and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her
chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face
of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit
her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where
she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a
holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk
where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed
the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated CHRISTIAN FISH EMBLEM on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Joke 414
Leather... When a woman wears leather clothing, a
man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the
knees, and he begins to think irrationally... Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new car.
Joke 413
Dramatic new health discovery! The japanese eat
very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or
americans. On the other hand, the french eat a lot of fat and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. The
japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the british or americans. The italians drink excessive amounts
of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or
americans. Conclusion: eat and drink what you like. It's speaking
english that kills you!
Joke 412
A young woman who was several months pregnant
boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she
began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed
her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again, and then on
her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When
the case came before the court, this was the man's reply when asked
why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then
she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement
which read " William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not
control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an
advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident." He won the case.
Joke 411
A woman used to work in technical support for a
24/7 call center. One day she got a call from an individual who
asked what hours the call center was open. She told him, "The
number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Eastern or Pacific time?"
Joke 410
The loaded mini-van pulled in to the a campsite.
Four children jumped from the car and began to feverishly unload
the gear and set up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood,
while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking
utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father,
"That, sir, is some extraordinary display of teamwork." The father
replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the
camp is set up."
Joke 409
A woman used to work in technical support for a
24/7 call center. One day she got a call from an individual who
asked what hours the call center was open. She told him, "The
number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Eastern or Pacific time?"
Joke 408
Here is a purported to be true story someone
found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during
an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked
the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog
ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that
you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I
really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes
and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four
hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still
nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly
translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and
require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern
equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and
happily slurping away. However, three weeks later, the student was
fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
Joke 407
The chaplain in a university residence hall, was
supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on
pets. That changed when a little kitten adopted him. The freshmen
in his dorm kept his secret. They covered for him by calling his
kitten "the Book," since he had so many in his room. One morning he
was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student
stopped him and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?" He
explained that he was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting
neutered today," he told him. "Hmmm," the student responded, "no
sequels."
Joke 406
A nun and a priest are driving through the
country on their way to an event. The nun has had quite a lot of
water to drink on the drive and can't hold it much longer. They are
both getting hungry as well so they stop at a 'hooters' which
happens to be the only restaurant for miles, to get a bite to eat.
As they are waiting to be seated the lights go off for a second and
then turn back on and everyone erupts in laughter and applause. The
nun and priest are confused but disregard it anyways. The nun asks
the hostess where the washroom is and is directed where to go.
“I must warn you though,” says the hostess,
“there is a statue of a naked man in our washroom, though
there is a leaf covering his private parts.” The nun assures
the hostess that she will be fine as she will just advert her eyes.
The nun goes to the washroom and comes back out a couple minutes
later to the entire restaurants applause. Confused she asks the
waitress, why the applause. The waitress replies: “Everytime
someone lifts the leaf on the naked man in the womens washroom, the
lights go out.”
Joke 405
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the
European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5-year phase-in plan that would become known as
“Euro-English”. In the first year, “s” will
replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be
dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be
growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome
“ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik
akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage
where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkourage the removal of double letters that have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes
of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it
should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such
as replasing “th” with “z” and
“w” with “v”. During ze fifz yer, ze
unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining
“ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand etsh oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil
finali kum tru .. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking
German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Joke 404
When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero
gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside
down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians
used a pencil.
Joke 403
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George W. Bush in the
Oval Office. “Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilians were
killed in Iraq today.” Bush buries his face in his hands,
muttering “My God…My God”. “Mr.
President,”says Rumsfeld, “we lose soldiers all the
time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's
the matter?” Bush: ”Exactly how many is a
Brazilian?”
Joke 402
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and
laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the
monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing
out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it
would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in
all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been
copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point,
my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by
and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and
goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the
wall and wailing,"We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R " !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word
was... CELEBRATE !!!"
Joke 401
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North
America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who
discovered America ? CLASS: Maria.
Joke 400
One day a young programmer is walking to work,
when a frog on the side of the road starts to talk to him.
“Young man, come and kiss me, and I will turn into a
beautiful princess!” The young man stops and looks curiously
at the frog, then picks it up and puts it into his pocket, and
continues to walk to work. From his pocket, the frog says,
“Hey, didn't you hear me? I said if you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess and love you forever!” The man
takes the frog out of his pocket, looks at it and says,
“Look, I'm a developer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -
but a talking frog, that's cool.”
Joke 399
There are 2 women: One blonde walked into a bar.
The redhair ducked.
Joke 398
A guy is walking past a School for The Mentally
Challenged on a hot afternoon. There is a high wooden fence between
him and the yard, and he can hear children's voices chanting,
“Eleven! Eleven! Eleven!” As he walks, the chanting
continues, but up ahead, he spots a knothole in the fence. Curious
as to what the kids are doing, he peeks through the hole in the
fence. Before he can jump back, a finger pokes him in the eye.
After several seconds of laughter, the chant begins
again…“Twelve! Twelve! Twelve!”
Joke 397
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender
exclaims, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The
grasshopper responds, “You have a drink named
Jim?”
Joke 396
So the hot dog vendor hands the buddhist a hot
dog, and the buddhist gives the man a twenty dollar bill. The
vendor says 'thanks' and the buddhist asks “where's my
change?” To which the vendor responded “Change must
come from within.”
Joke 395
The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he
stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much
discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to
get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting
to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of
bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church, and how much more it could
potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the
pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift
from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives
us.”Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a
little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail
voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers.” To this the entire congregation
said, “Amen.”
Joke 394
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a
light bulb? A: None, they don't believe anyone can see the light
anyway.
Joke 393
A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a
drink before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours him a
drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before
the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says again:
„Give me another drink before the trouble starts.”
Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going
to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as
soon as I tell you that I don't have any money.”
Joke 392
I was wondering why the football was getting
bigger… And then it hit me. … Dieser Witz funktioniert
aufgrund eines Wortspiels: „something hitting someone“
= jemand begreift etwas...
Joke 391
An old cowboy was sitting at a bar, when a young
lady walked up beside him and asked him if he was a cowboy. The old
timer said “let's see.”" I wake up in the morning and
put on my boot's and hat, I climb up on my horse and ride from sun
up to sundown roping and rounding up cattle. I also mend fences and
dig out water holes so, yup, I guess I am a cowboy.” He looks
over at the little lady and asks what she is. She says:
„Well, I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning I think about
women, all during the day I think about women, at supper I think
about women when I go to bed I think about women. So that is what I
am a Lesbian. Five minutes later another lady came into the bar and
asked the old cowboy the same question. He said “up until
five minutes ago I would have said yes, but meanwhile I found out,
I am a lesbian.”
Joke 390
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead run into a
barn to hide from kidnappers. They find three large, empty brown
sacks on the floor, and before the kidnappers could enter the barn
after them, they each hid in one of those sacks. The kidnappers,
finding the three squirming sacks suspicious, went up to the sack
containing the brunette and kicked it. “Meow!” said the
brunette. “That's just a sack full of kittens,” said
one kidnapper dismissively, and they moved on to the sack
containing the redhead. They kicked the sack. “Woof,
woof!” said the redhead. - “That's just a sack full of
puppies,” said the other kidnapper, and they moved on to the
sack containing the blonde. They kicked the sack. “Potatoes!
Potatatoes” said the blonde.
Joke 389
A Jewish man is troubled, and goes to his Rabbi
for advice. “Rabbi, my son lived abroad for some time and
came back a Christian.” Said the Rabbi: “Funny you
should say that, my son went to college and he, too, came back a
Christian. Why don't we ask God?” As they are praying, they
hear God answer: “Funny you should say that but my son also
…”
Joke 388
I was thinking about how people seem to read the
bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me....
they're cramming for their final exam.
Joke 387
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one
of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his
eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell
phone and calls the emergency services: “My friend is dead!
What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice:
“Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
A shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says:
“OK, now what?“
Joke 386
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a
favor?” - “Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer
for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must
warn you: I will not lie.” - “With your honest face,
Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs,
she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From
the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so he
asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to
the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to
be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring
with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead,
Father.”
Joke 385
A rich man is on his deathbed and fears going to
hell. He calls his assistant and instructs him, “Give twenty
dollars to charity in my name.” He then dies and appears at
the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter asks him “What have you ever
done that merits your entrance into heaven?” Shakily, the man
replies, “I gave twenty dollars to charity.” Peter
shakes his head and responds, “Let me go ask the Boss about
this one.” After a short time, he returns, and the rich man
asks, “What did He say?” Peter relplies, “He
said, 'Return his twenty dollars and tell him to go to
hell.'”
Joke 384
A man goes to see his doctor, because he thinks,
that his wife is going deaf. The doctor says: „Well, here's
how you can test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her,
and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer
and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll
be able to find out, just how bad her hearing is“. The man
goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says:
„Darling, what's for dinner?“ He doesn't hear an
answer, so he moves closer. „Darling, what's for
dinner?“ Still no answer. He repeats this serveral times,
until he's standing almost next to her. Finally, she answers:
„For the tenth time, I said we're having CURRY!“
Joke 383
My kids love surfing the web, and they keep track
of their passwords by writing them on a Post-it notes. I noticed
their Disney password was „MickyMinniGoofyPluto“, and
so I asked, why it was so long. „Because“ they
explained „They say it has to have at least four
characters“. FALLS SIE SICH WUNDERN: Characters bedeutet
sowohl „Zeichen“ oder „Buchstaben“ als auch
„Figuren“ bzw. „Charaktere“
Joke 382
The average man's life consists of 20 years of
having his mother ask him, where he is going; 40 years of having
his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners
wonder...
Joke 381
There was life, before the computer. I remember
the days when: An application was what you wrote, to get a job. A
program was something an TV. A cursor was somebody, who swore a
lot. A keyboard was something, you could play. Memory was
something, that you lost with age. If you had broken disc, you
couldn't work for weeks. Compress was something, you did rubbish,
not to a file. And if you unzipped anything in a public, you'd be
in jail for a while! IF YOU WANT TO COMPAIR: Computer-Begriffe:
application= Anwendung, program= Programm, cursor=
(Maus-)ZEIGER-Ikon auf Bildschirm, keyboard= Tastatur, memory=
Speicher, disc= Diskette, to compress= komprimieren, to unzip=
entzippen.
Joke 380
A man sees a duck walking into a bar. Curious, he
follows. The duck grabs a seat and the bartender walks over. The
duck makes some typical duck noises, the bartender nods and brings
over a mixed drink, which the duck drinks. The man waves the
bartender over, and says “That's amazing! How did you
understand what the duck was saying?” The bartender gives a
perplexed look: “Quack?”
Joke 379
Five Belgiens in a Audi Quattro arrive at the
French boarder. A French customs officer stops them and says:
„Quattro means four. There are too many people in this car.
One of you has to get out“. „Quattro is just the name
of the car, for goodness sake“ replies the driver.
„Look, everybody knows, that the car is designed to carry
five people. If you don't believe me, call your boss“.
„He can't come right now“ says the customs officer.
„He's busy with two people in a Fiat Uno“.
Joke 378
BIRTHDAY SURPRISE The man walked over to the
perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5
for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
Joke 377
In a small midwestern conservative town, there
wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local
entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.
Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block
the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman
was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on
the tavern. But the night before the grand opening, a lightning
strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks
were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar
owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the destruction of his building, either through
direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied
all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in
its reply to the court. At the first hearing, the judge held up the
paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit. "I
don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as
it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in
the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that
doesn't." Author Unknown
Joke 376
A burglar has just broken into a house, he's
intending to ransack, and he's looking round for things to steal.
Suddenly a little voice pipes up: „I can see you, and so can
Jesus!“ Startled, the burglar looks around the room , but
there's no one there at all, so he goes back to his business. But
again the voice says: „I can see you, and so can
Jesus!“ The burglar jumps up again, and takes a closer look
around the room. Sure enough, in the corner by the window, almost
obscured by the curtains, is a cage with a parrot in it, who pipes
up again: I can see you, and so can Jesus!“ „And what
of it?“ says the burglar, „you're only a bird!“
To which the parrot replies: „Maybe, but Jesus is a
Pitbull!“
Joke 375
A man goes to the doctor and tells him, that he
hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room
an comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor
says: Take the green pill with a big glas of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glas water after lunch. Then just
before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of
water.“ Startled to be put on so much medicine the man
stammers: „What's my problem, doc?“The doctor says:
„You're not drinking enough water.“
Joke 374
A duckhunter, proud of his marksmanship, took his
son out one morning, so that he could witness his skill. After some
time, a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," wispered the dad, as he
took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy,"
said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle, there flies a
dead duck."
Joke 373
To God I speak Spanish, to woman Italien, to men
French and to my horse in German. Emeror Charles V (1500-1558) on
European languages
Joke 372
An overweight blonde wants to lose weight, so she
consults her doctor for advice. The doctor suggests, that she runs
ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promises, would cause her
to lose twelve pounds. The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and
after thirty days, is pleased to find, that she has indeed lost
twelve pounds. She phones the doctor and thanks him for his
wonderful advice. The doctor says, he would like to see her again
that very morning. To wich the blonde replies: „No, that's
not going to be possible, I'm now 300 miles away!“
Joke 371
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman have
been marooned on a desert island for years, when one day they find
a bottle with a genie inside it. The genie grants them with a wish.
„I wish I was back in London“ says the Englishman, and
in a flash he's gone. „I wish I was back home in
Edinburgh“says the Scotsman, and in a flash he's gone.
„Oh, it's so lonely here now“ says the Irishman,
„I wish, my two mates were still here with me.“
Joke 370
It was announced yesterday, that censors have
banned the broadcasting of a tv-show, that claimed to introduce
people to the worlds of jazz and classical music. Their reasoning?
Too much sax and violins. FÜR ALLE, DIE NOCH NICHT LACHEN
KÖNNEN: Es geht um die ähnliche Aussprache von: sex an
violence = Sex und Gewalt vs. sax and violins = Saxophon und
Violinen
Joke 369
"If you can tell me how many sweets I have in my
bag, you can have them both."
Joke 368
A plane is in a heavy thunderstorm. As the
passengers are beeing bounced around by the turbulence, a young
woman turns to a priest, sitting next to her and asks with a
nervous laugh: „Father, you're a man of God. Can't you do
something about this?“ The priest replies: „Sorry lady,
I'm in sales, not management.“
Joke 367
Jake, the avid golfer, contacts a medium and
asks, if there is a golf course in heaven. The medium tells him,
that this is a strange request, but she will try to find out, and
get back to him in a few days. After several days, Jake gets a call
from the medium: „What did you find out?“Jake asks.
„Well, I've got good news and bad news for you“ says
the medium. „Ok, what's the good news?““That
there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in heaven, and you'll have
24-hour access with your own personal caddy“answers the
medium. „And the bad news?“„You're due to tee-off
at 9:30 on sunday morning!“
Joke 366
Q: What's the main difference between ignorance
and cognition? A: I don't know and I don't think you can compare
the two!
Joke 365
In a train carriage there were 4 people, an
Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a really
ugly woman. After several minutes the train happens to pass through
a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When
they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his
cheek. The blonde thought: "That French son of a bitch wanted to
touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly
woman, who in turn must have slapped his face" The ugly woman
thought: "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and
she smacked him". The Frenchman thought: "That f*****g Englishman
put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The
Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack that French twat again".
Joke 364
A priest getting ready to hear confessions
suddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He
looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He
pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the
bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take
over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the
priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them
penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and
took his place in the confessional. The first parishioner entered
the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I
have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found
"Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding
words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The
parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of
relief. The second parishioner entered the confessional and began
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in
vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5
Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do
this. I just might get away with it!" The third parishioner entered
and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in
anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither
"Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out
of the confessional and spied an altar boy walking by. He motioned
the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid,
what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him
quizzically and said, "Well, ten cookies and a glass of
milk."
Joke 363
Q: What's one of the pros of marrying a man who
owns a donkey? A: Unlimited supply of natural gas.
Joke 362
Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian,
spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One
night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and
kills all three. The next day, the pub owner is surprised to see
the Australian - assumedly dead - walking through the door. The
Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to
the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we
pay him $20." - "Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to
your friends?" - "The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and
the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will
pay for it."
Joke 361
Q: Why don't people with Parkinsons drink Cokes
at McDonalds? A: They have the shakes instead.
Joke 360
This bloke is a golf fanatic. He has an early
booking every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday
morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes
out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential
downpour, there is snow mixed with the rain and an 80km/h wind is
blowing. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel and finds the bad weather is set for the day. So he
puts his clubs away, quietly undresses and slips back into bed
where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says,"The weather out
there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out golfing?"
Joke 359
Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a
vulture? A: Laywers aren't an endangerd species.
Joke 358
A tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a
divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a
problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of
the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after
a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his
chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine
and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the
machine?"
Joke 357
Q: How many paranoic people does it take to screw
in a light bulb? A: Who want's to know?
Joke 356
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? You need to know
how "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" works . . . ) (der Satz
„soll ich es einloggen?“ heißt drüben
„Is that your final answer?“) A man and his wife went
to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his
wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I
have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She
said, "Yes." He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
Joke 355
A man takes his place in the theater, but his
seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is
a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better
seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into
the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25
cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and
whispers, "The wife did it."
Joke 354
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on
Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into
the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and
notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find
Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I
didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for
quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you
found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend." The preacher in
disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time,
brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "Man, have
you found Jesus yet?" Gasping for air the drunk answer the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he drowned?"
Joke 353
CHASING RABBITS The Los Angeles Police Dept., the
FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at
apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch
it. TheCIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three
months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do
not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they
burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit
-- and make no apologies. Their press release on their "successful
operation" notes "The rabbit had it coming." The LAPD goes in. They
come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is
yelling, "OK, OK -- I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" Author
Unknown
Joke 352
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old
daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked
at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She
replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The
girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"
Joke 351
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding
and had the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's
license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my
5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes, sir. That's
where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the
TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately
called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and
the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. The
driver's license was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the
car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you
mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't
understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, and I'll
bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!
Joke 350
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution.
This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients
and gives them two questions. If they knew the correct answers,
they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the
doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free
if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what
would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be
half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd
be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and
told him he was free. Next Amanpreet came in. The doctor: "What
would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet: "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off
the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind." "Amanpreet, can you
explain how you'd be *blind*?" "Sure doc, my hat would fall down
over my eyes."
Joke 349
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the
doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The
doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother
and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie
is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says,
"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a
man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even
kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares
out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is
there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No,
not really, it's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over
the hill...“
Joke 348
A police officer in a small town stopped a
motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man
began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...," "And I said to keep
quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked
in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the
groom."
Joke 347
One day the Pope came to America in his Limo and
he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive?" The driver
thinks, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the
driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun,
hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the
driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you
might get pulled over. The police are behind us" The Pope, "ahhh,
I'm the Pope." So he continues to drive fast. After a few moments
he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls
down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I,
ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute." The Pope says, "sure". The
cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says,
"guys I just pulled over some one really important." They ask who,
"The President?." "No more important." "The president of another
country." "No more important." "An ambassador." "No even more
important." "Well who is it." "I don't know, but he is being
chauffeured by the Pope."
Joke 346
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at
the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!"
yells the lifeguard. "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little
Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving
board!"
Joke 345
A man came walking up to his grandparent's house
when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking
hair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you
doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance
without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here
with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man
slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with
no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea."
Joke 344
The little camel asks his mother: Mum why do we
have these humps? Because in these humps there is water and fat
because in the desert we can neither drink nor eat for many days on
end. And why do we have fur? Because the dessert the nights are
cold and so we don't feel cold. And why do we got these big hoofs?
Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the
hot sand. But where is the desert here in the zoo?
Joke 343
A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and
orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has
drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar,
grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a
third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair. And
the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music
they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And
the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so
wonderful. "And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got
this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you
have a wish? You can wish you everything!" "Me?", the bar keeper
asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than
done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the lamp. He
rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You
have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one
million dollars!" The dgini snaps his fingers and disapperes, and
suddenly the whole room ist filled with dugs, a million of them.
There is hardly room for the people to breathe any longer. The bar
keeper: "But I wated DOLLARS, not dugs" The man: "Do you really
think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?"
Habe den Begriff "dugs" nachgeschlagen. er wurde gewählt, weil
er wie ein schlampig gespochenes "dollar" klingen kann (= die
anlogie zur pointe). also, für alle, die nicht nachschlagen
wollen, hier ist die lösung: dug = an udder, breast, or teat
of a female animal (Zitze)
Joke 342
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in
the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all
directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to
loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside,
and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part
about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
Joke 341
A scientist studied insects. One day, he placed a
large locust on his workbench and taught it to jump. He then wrote
in his notebook, Locust has learned to jump" The scientist cut off
one of one of the locusts legs. After the experiment he wrote in
his note book, locust with three legs, jumps as well as before."
The scientist cut of another leg. The scientist cut off one of one
of the locusts legs. After the experiment he jotted down:
„Even with two legs it jumped.“ The scientist cut off
one more leg. After the experiment he jotted down: „It's only
a small jump with one leg...“ The scientist cut off his last
leg. an hour later he gave up and wrote in his notebook, locust
without legs has gone deaf."
Joke 340
A Glashow wife arrived home from shopping and put
six bottles of wisky and one loaf of bread on the table. Her
husband saw this and shouted at her angrily: „What in the
Lord's name did you bring all the bread for, woman?“
Joke 339
Scotland Do you know how the Grand Canyon came
about? A Scotsman lost a sixpence.
Joke 338
Italy A Texan, on holiday in Italy, is trying to
impress his host. He brags about everything imaginable - the size
of the vegetables, the size of the cattle, the size of the eatates
and finally, since his listener is still totally unimpressed, the
size of Texas. „You know,“ he says, „you can get
on a train and, 24 hours later, you're still in
texas.“„Well,“ replies the Italien, „we
have that problem all the time?“
Joke 337
Israel Isaac was dying, and his family gathered
round his bedside. „Mama,“ he wispered. „I'm
here, Isaac.“ „Miriam,“ he sighed. „I'm
here, Papa.“ „Sally?“ „Here, Papa.“
„Jakob?“ „I'm here, too, Papa.“ „Then
who the hell is minding the shop?“
Joke 336
Germany A group of german tourists makes its way
to the top of Mount Etna and looks into the smoke-filled crater.
One of them turns to his neighbour and says: „I looks just
like hell.“ The Italien guide hears this, shakes his head and
mutters: „Oh, these Germans! They've been
everywhere!“
Joke 335
French When General de Gaulle died, Noel Coward
was asked what he thought theGeneral and God would find to talk
about Heaven. Coward replied: „That depends on how good God's
French is.“
Joke 334
England During an afternon television programme
on sex the audience was asked: „How many people here have sex
more than three times a week?“ There was a weak show of
hands. „And how many have sex once a month?“ A sea of
hands shot up. „Anyone less than that?“ One delighted
man waved his arm enthusiastically. „Onece a year,“ he
said. „But tonight's the night.“
Joke 333
China One day Afanti goes to his landlord and
asks to boorow a wok, as he has guests coming and his own is not
big enough to cook all the food in. The landlord says yes, and a
few days later Afani returns bringing two wooks, the original and a
tiny one. „While I had it in my care your wok gave birth to a
tiny one.“ The landlord gleefully accepts the simpleton's
offering. Some time later Afani again comes and asks if he can
borrow the landlord's biggest wok and of course is told yes. Many
days go by and eventually Afanti returns sad and empty-handed.
„Alas, your poor wok!“ he laments. „It
died.“ - „What nonsens, everyone knows that woks can't
die.“ - „If they can give birth they can surely
die,“ Afanti, and calmly away. J.C. Yang, Xenophobe's guide
to the Chinese.
Joke 332
Belgium „I don't like tongue in wine sauce.
The idea of eating something that has been in a cow's mouth
disgusts me.“ „How about eggs....?“
Joke 331
McGregor went to see his doctor for a medical
checkup. As requested by the doctor, he took along a specimen of
urine in an unusually big bottle. After the test, he rushed home.
„Everything alright?“ his wife wanted to know.
„Well, he said it would take a couple of days but then we
will know, what shape Anne, you, aount Mary, the kids and the dog
and myself are in.“
Joke 330
The smallest book in the world: An Italien
history of heroes, and a compendium of German humor.
Joke 329
The following joke, wich probably originated at a
conference of journalists, pokes fun at various national faiblesses
- French lust, German seriousness, American bragging, British
colonialism etc. English: Hunting elephants in Britis Africa.
French: The love life of elephants in French Equatorial Africa.
German: The origin and development at the East African elephant in
the years 1200-1950 (600 pages). American: How to bread bigger and
better elephants. Russian: How we sent an elephant to the moon.
Swede: Elephants and the welfare state. Dane: Elephant-meat and
smorrebrod. Indian: The elephant as a means of transportation
before the railway era. Finnish: What the elephants think about
Finland. Richard D. Lewis: When cultures collide.
Joke 328
Two HGVS (LKW.s) loaded with thousand of copies
of Roget.s Thesaurus collided as they left a London publishers last
friday, according to the Times. Witnesses were said to be stunned,
startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....
Joke 327
A young man is driving his new sportscar along a
quit countrylane. Ther's no traffic about so he risks accelerating
to 70 mph, then 80 an then 90. He rounds a bend and all of a sudden
sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The
man pulls the steering wheel sharply to the one side, the car
shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the
moddle of an adjacent field. Observing this, one of the farmers
turns to the other and says: "That was lucky, Fred. I reckon we got
out of that field just in the nick o'time."
Joke 326
Why are computer scientists such lousy lovers?
Because they're always trying to do the job faster than before. And
when they do, they claim that performance has improved.
Joke 325
What's the difference between a man buying a
lottery ticket an a man arguing with a woman? The man buying the
ticket at least has a one in 16 million chance of winning!
Joke 324
Before taking an exam, the professor tells the
class that any exampaper that is not on his desk in exactly three
hours time will not be accepted, and the student will fail. After
three hours all the students have handed in their papers, except
for one, who continues to write. Finally, he attempts to put his
paper on the top of those already on the professor's desk.
„Im not going to accept that,“ says the professeor.
„It's too late.“ The student looks astonished.
„Don't you know who I am?“ he asks. „No, as a
matter of fact, I don't,“ says the professor.
„Good,“ says the student, and quickly shoves his
exampaper into the middle of the pile.
Joke 323
While looking through his filing cabinet one day,
a govermant employee comes across an old brass lamp. „This
would look on my mantelpiece,“ he thinks and starts to polish
it. To his surprise a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
„I wish for a cold pint of beer right now!“ POOF! A
pint appears before him on his desk, which he picks up and downs in
one. He thinks for a bit longer about his second wish and says:
„I wish to be on a tropical island surrounded by beautiful
women. POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females
eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last
wish. „I wish I never had to work ever again.“ POOF!
He's back in his goverment office.
Joke 322
A beggar goes up to a well-dressed woman who is
just coming out of Harrods and says, „Excuse me, madam. I
haven't eaten anything in four days.“ She looks at him and
replies: „God, I wish I had your willpower.“
Joke 321
A couple was driving along a countryroad, not
saying a word to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they
passed a farmyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked:
„Relatives of yours?“„Yep,“ the husband
replied, „In-laws.“
Joke 320
„Why did you escape from prison?“ a
policeman asks the fugitive. „I wanted to get married.“
„Heh, you have quite a strange view of freedom.“
Joke 319
Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh,
these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my
senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if
you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here and boasting like
that.“
Joke 318
A gorgeous, sexy young woman was walking through
a cocktail lounge. Her eye was caught by a very attractive man,
sitting alone. She said: „Hello, handsome. I'll do anything
you want for 200.“ „Wonderful“said the man.
„Paint my house.“
Joke 317
As a young manager is leaving the office late one
evening, she sees the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder.
The CEO says: „I have a very important document here, and my
secretary has already gone home for the evening. I don't suppose
you could help me?“„Sure,“ says the manager,
eager to make a good impression. She puts the paper in the shredder
and presses the start button. „Thank you so much!“ says
the CEO, „I need two copies.“
Joke 316
An English professor writes on a board: „A
woman without her man is nothing“ an asks his students to
punctuate the sentence. A male student writes: „A woman
without her man, is nothing.“ A female student writes:
„A woman: without her, man is nothing.“
Joke 315
A woman rushes home from work one night and tells
her husband: "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband
excitedly asks: "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says: "Pack them all, you're leaving!"
Joke 314
An englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was
told that it was a well-trained animal, but only moved, when the
rider said "Thank God" and stopped, when it heard "Amen". So he
mounted the horse, said "Giddy-up" and nothing happened. Looking
rather shame-faced he said:"Thank God" and immediately the horse
galloped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse ran faster
and faster, he shouted:" Whoah, whoah", until he remembered, and
then said: "Amen". The horse stopped right at the edge of the
cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his
handkerchief and breathed with relief: "Thank God!"
Joke 313
What did the chicken cross the road? PLATO: For
is the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of the chickens to
cross the road MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed
the road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was. KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous
beeing, chose to cross the road of his own free will. MARX: It was
an histirical inevitability. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods
of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are
now genetically disposed towards crossing roads. FREUD: The fact
that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. EINSTEIN: Whether the
chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends
upon your frame of reference.
Joke 312
An american salesman submitted his expenses
account. After checking it over, the employer said: "I can't honor
this, but I'd like to buy the fiction rights for the movie."
Joke 311
"Ivan, have you heard, Einstein is coming to
Odessa.""Who is he? Is he a famous pharmacist?" "No, he is a famous
physicist. He is the author of the 'Theory of the Relativity'."
"What's that?" "Well, how can I explain this ...? You see, you have
two hairs on your head. Is that a lot or a little?" "A little."
"And now let's imagine you found the same number of hairs in your
soup ..." "Really? He is coming to Odessa with this stupid
joke?"
Joke 310
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th
birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass
band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says:
"Congratulations!" "Congratulations on what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?" repeats Saint Peter. "We're celebrating
the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." " But that's not
true"says the lawyer, "I only lived to be forty." "That's
impossible" says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time
sheets."
Joke 309
Will you understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means
by the end of the conversation? This has been nominated for the
best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a
hotel guest and roomservice, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS):
"Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed
room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July
den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G :
"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS:
"Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay.
An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July ! Sahn toes?" G: "I
don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really
bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G:
"No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean
butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS:
"Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS:
"One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder
on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS:
"Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."
Joke 308
Question: What's even smarter than speaking
several languages? Answer: Keeping your mouth shut in one.
Joke 307
A college professor to a pharmacist: "Please,
give me some of those tablets called acetylsalicylic acid." "Don't
you mean aspirin?" "That's it. I can never remember that
name!"
Joke 306
Isaac was walking by the lakeside in December.
Suddenly he noticed his friend Löwenthal wriggling in an
icehole. "Löwenthal, did you break through?" "Nu, winter
caught me swimming!"
Joke 305
A blonde wants to go icefishing. After reading
many books on the subject and purchasing the necessary equipment,
she makes her way out on to the ice. She positions her chair,
starts to cut a hole, when suddenly, from somewhere above, a voice
booms: "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde
moves further down the ice and begins to cut another hole. Again,
from the heavens, the voice bellows: "There are no fish under the
ice!" She stops, looks skyward and says: "Is that you, LORD?" The
voice replies: "No, I'm the ice-rink-manager!"
Joke 304
Stranger: "Catch any fish?" Fisherman: "Did I?!?
I took thirty out of this stream this Morning!" Stranger: "Do you
know who I am?" I'm the game warden." Fisherman: "Do you know who I
am? I'm the biggest liar in the country."
Joke 303
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the
morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him an
threatened to fire him, if he didn't do something about it. So Tom
went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him, to take it
before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in
the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and
drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill actually
worked!" "That's all fine", said the boss, "but where were you
yesterday?"
Joke 302
"Mum, mum, I don't want to go to school today."
"Why not, dear?" "Tey all hat me there, mum, they laugh at my
haircut, call me names and some of the big boys keep trying to take
my dinner money off me." "But Daniel, you have to go, you are the
director after all.
Joke 301
Why did the Israelis stay out of the gulf war?
Because the last time they spoke with a Bush they spent forty years
wandering around the desert.
Joke 300
Billy and his mother are at the zoo. "Mum, look
over there! The gorilla looks like uncle Bernard." "Shame on you,
you shouldn't say things like that." "Sorry mum, but I'm sure, the
gorilla didn't hear me."
Joke 299
Will you understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means
by the end of the conversation? This has been nominated for the
best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a
hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS):
"Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed
room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July
den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G :
"Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS:
"Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay.
An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July ! Sahn toes?" G: "I
don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really
bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G:
"No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean
butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS:
"Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS:
"One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder
on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS:
"Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."
Joke 298
A fifty-year-old woman has a heart attack and is
taken to hospital, where, upon the operating table she has a near
death experience. Seeing God, she asks: "Is my time up?" God
replies: "No, you'll live another thirty years." So the woman
decides that as she has so much more time to live, she might as
well look good. She has a facelift, liposuction, and dyes her hair
another colour. But just as she is leaving the hairdresser's, she
is run over by a car. Arriving in front of God she says: "I thought
you said I had another thirty years! Lord, why did you let me get
killed?" God answers: "Because I didn't recognise you!"
Joke 297
What's the late-night difference between an
bachelor and a married man? The bachelor comes home, sees what's in
the fridge and goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what's
in the bed and goes to the fridge.
Joke 296
A womanwalked up to a little old man sitting in a
rocking chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you
look "she said. "What's yout secret for a long happy life?" "Well,
I smoke at least sixty cigarettes a day" he started, "I also drink
a crate of beer a day, eat fatty foods, and evere exercise."
"That's amazing " the woman said. "And how old are you, if I may
ask?" "Twenty-eight" he said.
Joke 295
A man, who has recently come into money, bys a
villa with a garden. All this he proudly shows his friends. "Of
course everything is insured against fire, theft an hail." "Against
hail?" the friend wondered to himself. "How do you make
hail?"
Joke 294
Basic Math for Boss and Employee. Smart boss +
smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee =
overtime
Joke 293
"Why did you escape from prison?" a poloceman
asks the fugitive. "I want to married." "Heh, you have quite a
strange view of freedom."
Joke 292
A prison governor is appalled by the poor
standard of English used by the inmates in his prison. To rectify
this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the localgrammar
school, to set up remedial English classes. In the first lesson,
the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics.
"Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks. All the
prisoners answer together: "The appeal!"
Joke 291
A woman comes back home to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter. "Have you killed any?" she asks
him. "Yes, two males and two females." "How can you tell?" she
says. He replies: "Two were on a beer can and two were on the
phone."
Joke 290
A golfer was spending ages preparing for his tee
shot. "For goodness sake, hurry up" said his partner. "But my wife
is watching from the clubhouse," her replied. "This has to be a
perfect shot." "Forget it - you'll never hit her from here!"
Joke 289
A sunday school teacher asks her pupils where God
lives. A small boy raises his hand and says: "Miss, God lives in
our bathroom". "In your bathroom?" asks the teacher. "What makes
you think he's in there?" The boy replies: "Because every morning
my daddy bangs on the bathroom door and shouts: "God are you still
in there?""
Joke 288
On the way to the hospital, a nurse was driving
very fast. She failed to heed the stoplight on the corner. A
policeman caught up with her on the next block and said: "Doesn't
that red light remind you of something?" Replied the nurse: "Oh
yes. Someone wants the bedpan."
Joke 287
A passenger on a plane runs up to the stweardess
and says: „Quick! Give me a bottle of wiskey. The woman in
the seat next to mine has fainted.“ The stewardess hands him
the bottle from which he proceeds to take a long slug.
„That's better“ says the man, „I can't stand
seeing unconscious women.“
Joke 286
A primary school teacher asked her class what
their parents did for a living. „Kevin,“ she said
„What does your father do all day?“ „He's a
dentist“ Kevin replied. „That's wonderful. How about
you, Sally,“ said the teacher. "My father is a postman," said
Sally shyly. "Thank you, Sally," said the teacher „What about
your father, Paul?“ Paul stood up and proudly announced,
„My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse.“ The teacher
was aghast and promptly changed the subject to maths. After school
she went to Paul's house to speak with his father. The teacher
explained what his son had said, to which Paul's father replied,
„Well, actually I am an attorney but how can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?“
Joke 285
„Those pills you gave me, don't seem to be
helping much, doctor. It's been two weeks now, and I'm the same as
if I hadn't taken them.“ „On the contrary, if you
hadn't taken them you'd be dead by now.“
Joke 284
When the signal was given, the company climbed
out of the trenches and was about to start an assault. Only Miller
ran to the back. The captain grabbed him: „The enemy is over
there!“ Miller: „Well, I have to get a running
start.“
Joke 283
Frenchman to an American in an gallery: „Do
you like Toulouse-Lautrec?“ American: „No, I don't like
to lose anything.“ Henri Toulouse-Lautrec war ein
französischer Maler. Ähnliche Aussprache des
französischen namens "Toulouse" und des engl. verbs "to louse"
(verlieren)
Joke 282
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they
were approaching the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, they started
arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and
forth until they stopped for employee: „Before we order,
could you please settle an argument? Would you please pronounce
where we are ... very slowly?“ The girl leaned over the
counter and said: „Burrrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiiiing.“
Joke 281
Having joined a monastery, a man takes a vow of
silence, with the exception of two words every five years. After
the first five years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two
words. „Cold floors,“ he replies. The elders nod and
send him away for another five years. Time passes, and when he is
called in again he says: „Bad food.“They nod and send
him away. Five more years go by, and at their next scheduled
meeting, he says, „I quit.“ „Well, I can't say
that surprises us, „said the eldest elder, „all you've
done since you got here is moan and complain.“
Joke 280
There was once a young man whose only desire was
to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said,
„I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that
will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!“well, his
future took a slightly different turn, however he has reached his
goal: He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Joke 279
Deep in a forest, a little turtle begins to climb
a tree. After hours of hard effort, he reaches the top, jumps into
the air waving his front legs and rather unsurprisingly goes
crashing to the ground below. After recovering, he slowly climbs
the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground once more. He tries
again and again, while two birds sit on a branch nearby, watching
his sad efforts. Finally the female birds turns to her mate and
says: „Don't you think it's time to tell him he was
adopted?“
Joke 278
Bush has a short one. Schwarzenegger has a long
one. Madonna does not have one, and although the pope has one he
does not use it. What is it? A last name!
Joke 277
A woman says: „This place is a mess! You
and me have got to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do the laundry right
now!“ A man hears: „Blah, blah, blah, COME ON blah,
blah, blah, YOU AND ME blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah,
blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
Joke 276
John goes to see his factory supervisor.
„Mr. Shorland“ he says „we're having a clear-out
at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the loft and
the garage, moving stuff and taking rubbish to the dump. Would it
be possible to take a day's holiday?“ „We're
short-handed, John“ the supervisor replies. „I can't
give you the day off.“ „Thanks, Mr. Shorland“says
John, „I knew I could count on you!“
Joke 275
Two men are walking in the forest when they se a
grizzly coming towards them. The first takes off his rucksack,
takes out a pair of trainers, and puts them on. The other looks at
him and says: „That's pretty dumb. There's no way you can
outrun a grizzly bear!“ „That's true“says his
friend. „But then again, I've only got to outrun a PERSON,
while you must try to outrun him...“
Joke 274
After a night on the tiles, a university student
was proudly showing his new flat to friends. „What is the big
brass gong and hammer for?“ one of them asked him.
„That's a speaking clock“ he replied. „How does
it work?“the friend wanted to know. „Watch“ he
said and then gave the gong a wallop with the hammer. Suddenly
someone screamed from the other side of the wall: „Be quiet
you idiot! It's after midnight!“
Joke 273
An Englishman, a Finn and a Russian are studying
a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. “Look at
the beautiful garden,“ muses the Englishman. „Only an
Englishman could create a garden of such beauty.“
„Rubbish“says the Finn. „They're naked and
unashamed. They must be Scandinavian.“ „You're both
wrong“ says the Russian. „No clothes, no house, one
apple between them, and they're told it's paradise
- definitely Russian.“
Joke 272
A tramp asked a man for a pound. The man asked:
„Will you buy booze with it?“ „No „ said
the tramp. The man asked: „Will you gamble it away?“
Again the tramp said: „No.“ The man then asked:
„Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens
to a man, who doesn't drink and doesn't gamble?“
Joke 271
Patient: „Doctor, Doctor, I can't help
stealing things.“ Psychiatrist: „Take one of these
pills three times a day and that should help you.“Patient:
„But what if it doesn't“? Psychiatrist: „Then get
me a DVD-player.“
Joke 270
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was
astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was
picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the
pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he
opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear
Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and
she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of
all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and
because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the
passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and
trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She
sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take
care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you
can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your son, John. P.S. Dad,
none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted
to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is
safe for me to come home.
Joke 269
A student from a small country town is accepted
at Yale universty. On his first day on campus, he tries to find his
way around. He approaches a well-dressed student and asks:
„Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at“?
The other student replies arrogantly: „Don't you know that
one should never end a sentence with a preposition“?
„Ok. Where's the library at, you dope“?
Joke 268
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go
on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is that the picnic site is far away So, it takes them
ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food
and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it"
says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to
Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't
bring it. So they're stuck miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they
have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a
steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy
are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he
still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't
take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, And just as
they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and
shouts, "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"...
Joke 267
Politically Correct Holiday Greeting I wanted to
send out some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so
difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without
offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his
advice I wish to say the following: Please accept with no
obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of
the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without
due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make America great (not to
imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or
is the only „America“ in the western hemisphere) and
without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability,
religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting
this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable
with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise
by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is
warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at
the sole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer: no trees were harmed
in the sending of this message however, a significant number of
electrons were slightly inconvenienced. (Author Unknown)
Joke 266
SOCIALISM: You have two cows and give one to your
neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have two cows; the government takes both
and gives you the milk. FASCISM: You have two cows; the government
takes both and sells you the milk. NATIONAL SOCIALISM: You have two
cows; the government takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM: You
have two cows; the government takes both, shoots one, milks the
other and trows the milk away. CAPITALISM: You have two cows; you
sell one and by a bull.
Joke 265
A gorgeous, sexy young woman was walking through
a cocktail lounge. Her eye was caught by a very attractive man,
sitting alone. "Hello, handsome. I'll do anything you want for 200
Dollar." "Wonderful," said the man "Paint my house."
Joke 264
Basic Math for Boss & Employee: Smart boss +
smart employee =profit Smart boss + dumb employee =production Dumb
boss + smart employee =promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee
=overtime
Joke 263
A man visited a matchmaker for marriage and said:
"I am looking for a spouse. Please help me find a suitable one. She
should be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable,
good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me at home during
my leisure hours, if I don't go out. She should tell me interesting
stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when
I want to rest." The advisor listened carefully and replied: "I
understand. You need a television."
Joke 262
A small frog goes to a fortuneteller and asks if
he is going to meet a young girl. The fortuneteller tells him:
"Yes, you are." The frog asks: "Where? In a bar or at a party?" The
fortuneteller: "In biology class!"
Joke 261
"What am I suppord to do with this?" grumbled the
motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic
fine. "Keep it," the clerk advised. "When you get four to them, you
get a bicycle."
Joke 260
I met an old university friend the other day, who
in his youth had professed his desire to become a great writer.
When I asked him to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that people will react to on a truly emotional level; stuff that
will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" Just
discovered he's now working for Microsoft ... writing erroer
messages.
Joke 259
Man: "How's your history paper coming along?"
Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
internet for research, and it's beeb very helpful." Man "Really?"'s
your history paper coming along?" Woman: "Well, my history
professor suggested that I use the internet for research, and it's
beeb very helpful." Man "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located
17 people who sell them!"
Joke 258
On a rural road a state trooper pulled a farmer
over an said: "Sir, do you realize your wifw fell out of the car
sveral miles back?" To wich the farmer replied: "Thank God, I
thought I had gone deaf!"
Joke 257
"I've lost my dog." "Why don't you put an
advertisement in the paper?" "Don't be silly - he can't
read."
Joke 256
In China ist ein Sack Reis umgefallen! Und hier
die internationalen Reaktionen: News: A Sack of Rice fell over
Fact: a sack of rice fell over in the Yunnan district, China. This
is how different news media reacted to it: American News CNN:
speaker: "Sources in china reported that a sack of rice has fallen
over. We switch over to the white house and our correspondent Jack
Rabbit." Jack: "The White House is in a state of alert, only few
minutes ago the President gave a short note to the press..."
President: "We have considered the news from China. And urge the
public not to panic, yet." Jack: "...the President was unavailable
for further comments. Reliable sources in the Department of
Agriculture report that the government does not yet know how to
react." USA Today: "New York University statistics professor John
D. Merit reported that on average 300 purses are stolen each day in
the greater state of New York. Read the full report on page 3-5. In
other news: a major catastrophy has hit the rice fields In Hunan,
China." Journal of Mathematics: (an article by Chaos Theorist Prof.
Martens) "[...]taking the precendence of the recent series of
severe storms over Florida, which are speculated to be caused by
Chinese butterflies, the government should prepare for a major food
shortage within the next 12 to 36 months. [...]" The Inquirer:
"Aliens and the chinese government conspired to make sacks of rice
fall over. Read full report on page 15." Asian News Republic of
China Official Newswire: "Reports of a full sack of rice falling
over have been greatly exaggerated. It is true though that half a
sack of rice fell over. The rice was yet unboiled and the incident
will have no negative effect on Chinese economy." Taiwan News: "No
Taiwanese citizens hurt in major rice cultivation failure in China.
A leading member of the Democratic Progressive Party reportedly
said 'This was a catastrophy waiting to happen', the statement was
met with criticism from members of all parties." Japan Nikkai
Tribune: "According to sources in Tokio no negative effects of the
Chinese rice crisis are expected for the whole of Japan. However,
major factories of the Japanese textile industry are standing by to
produce unfallable sacks should China require them." India Tribune:
"The government decided to tighten border controls on the border to
China, since a surge of Chinese refugees is expected after the rice
incident in Yunnan. The shift of troops has been met with harsh
criticism from the governments of Nepal and Pakistan." European
News Germany, FAZ: "Reports from the chinese province of Yunnan
indicate that thousands of chinese citizens have been displaced by
the fallover of a sack of rice. The foreign minister immediately
offered help to the government of china should it be needed. So far
the Red Cross has not been allowed to enter the province in order
to help. Diplomatic talks are going on behind closed doors in the
Kanzleramt in Berlin." The London Times: "A sack of rice fell over
in China. No Brits hurt." The Scotsman: "The Scottish Parliament
today voted for sending an expert in Scooping-Up to China in order
to limit the damage done by the fallen rice." Great Britain, 'the
Sun': "Prince Charles' secret love for rice and how it could ruin
Great Britain, read page 7." France, Le Monde: "While the Prime
Minister and the chinese embassador meet over lunch in Paris,
specialists and government officials alike assure the people of
France, that the French economy will not be significantly affected
by the rice incident." The Financial Times: "Crop market turns
problematic." -- "After the incident of the fallen sack of rice in
China, the world wide market for crops has suffered significantly.
The price for rice has skyrocketed, while the price for barley and
rye are expected to stabilize again on the niveau of 1987.
Meanwhile the price for asian cotton and whool have plummeted to an
all-time low - leading financial experts are speculating that this
is the markets retribution for the culprit behind this incident."
'Cooking today' (and other cooking magazines): "1001 rice free
recipes." Unquote....
Joke 255
What kind of wine would you recommend for our
silver wedding anniversary? Answer: It depends on whether you want
to celebrate it or forget it.16. jaA small compact car smashed into
the rear of Oliver's Cadillac as he made a left turn. The driver of
the small car was furious. „Why didn't you put out your
hand?“ „What's the point?“ shrugged Oliver.
„If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my
hand?“
Joke 254
A man standing at the grave of his wife laments:
„Why did you leave me alone so early? Oh, if I could see you
one more time!“ At this moment a mole moves in the grave
mound. Immediately the man sets his foot on the grave. „I was
only joking!“
Joke 253
A man who has recently come into money buys a
villa with a garden. All this he proudly shows his friend.
„Of course everything is insured against fire, theft an
hail.“„Against hail?“ the friend wondered to
himself. „How do you make hail?“
Joke 252
A college chemistry professor in his local
drugstore: „Please, some of those tablets called
acetylsalicylic acid.“ „You mean Aspirin?“ asked
the pharmacist. „That's it. I can never remember that
name
Joke 251
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th
birthday and finds himself greeted at the Gates to Hell by a brass
band. The Devil runs over, shakes his hand and says:
„Congratulations!“„Congratulations on
what?“ - „We're celebrating your 160th birthday
today.“ „But that's not true“, says the lawyer
„it is my 40th birthday today.“ „That's
impossible, „ says the Devil, „by adding up all the
hours you have charged your customers this is your 160th birthday
today...“
Joke 250
Question: What's even smarter than speaking
several languages? Answer: Keeping your mouth shut.
Joke 249
The father was slightly annoyed when he said to
his inquisitive son: „You never stop asking questions. All
day long you ask questions. Where would I be if I asked questions
like you?“The son answered: „You might be able to
answer more of mine!“
Joke 248
An englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was
told that it was a well-trained animal but only moved when the
rider said „Thank God“ and only stopped when it heard
„Amen.“ So he mounted the horse, said
„Giddy-up“ and nothing happened. Looking rather
shame-faced he said, „Thank God“, and immediately the
horse galloped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse ran
faster and faster, he shouted, „Whoah, whoah,“ until he
remebered, and then said „Amen“. The horse stopped
right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his
brow with his hankerchief and breathed with relief, „Thank
God!“
Joke 247
Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh,
these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my
senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if
you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here an
boasting.“
Joke 246
„Do you know Salomon Herschfeld? Ten years
ago when he came to Lodz he had nothing but one old pair of
trousers, and today the man has got two million!“ „For
God's sake, what does he do with two million old pairs of
trausers?“
Joke 245
Why did the chicken cross the road? PLATO: For
the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross
the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the
road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was. KANT: The chicken, beeing an autonomous
beeing, chose to cross the road of his own free will. MARX: It was
an historical inevitability. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods
of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are
now genetically disposed towards crossing roads. FREUD: The fact
that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. EINSTEIN: Whether the
chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends
upon your frame of reference.
Joke 244
A church minister is driving down to Boston, and
he's stopped on the highway for speeding. The traffic patrol
officer smells alcohol on his breath, and then he sees an empty
wine bottle on the floor. He asks him: "Sir, have you been
drinking?" The minister says: "Just water" The officer: "Then why
do I smell wine?" The minister looks down to the bottle and says:
"Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Joke 243
Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh,
these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my
senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if
you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here an boasting like
that.“
Joke 242
A For the first time in many years, an old man
traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After
buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase
som popcorn. Handing the attendant 1,50 dollar, he couldn't help
but comment: The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only
15 cents." "Well sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "you're
really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..."
Joke 241
A Personal Manager: "You start on Monday. You get
paid by efficiency." Applicant: "I'm sorry, I can't live on
that!"
Joke 240
A baker was angry about one of his customer's
complaints. "I was making bread before you were born," he shouted.
"Maybe so," the customer said, "but why are you selling it
now?"
Joke 239
A ventriloquist with his puppet makes a joke
about blond women. Suddenly a feminist stands up and accuses him:
You make sexist jokes by promoting chauvinistic and humiliating
sterotypes about women, you should feel ashamed! The man is
intimdated and wants to beg pardon but the blonde counters: I'm not
talking to you but to your friend!
Joke 238
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes
tested and asked: „Doctor, will I be able to read wearing
glasses?“ „Yes, of course,“ said the doctor.
„Why not?“ „Oh! How nice it would be,“ said
the patient with joy, „I have been illiterate for so
long.“
Joke 237
The dentist took one look at Billy's mouth and
said: „That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. Billy looked
at him and said: „I heard you, Doc. You don't have to repeat
yourself.“ „I didn't. That was the echo.“
Joke 236
A woman went to see her rabbi because she wanted
to get divorced. „Why?“ the rabbi wanted to know.
„I suspect my husband of not being the father of my last
child.“
Joke 235
A merchant from Genoa had to go on a business
trip just before a trial. He asked his solicitor to inform him
about the sentence by e-mail. After the trial his solicitor sent a
mail: „Justice has triumphed“. Right away he got a
response: „Appeal immediately“.
Joke 234
Three old ladies met on the street on a very
stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud, that they had
difficulty in hearing each other. „It's windy, „ said
one. „No, it's Thursday,“ said the next. „So am
I,“said the third. „Let's go and have a
drink!“
Joke 233
Two young boys were spending the night at their
grandparents' place. At bedtime, the two boys knelt down beside
their beds to say their prayers. Suddenly, the younger boy began
praying at the top of his lungs: „I pray for a new bicycle. I
pray fo a new Nitendo. I pray for a new videorecorder...“ The
older brother leaned over, nudged his younger brother, and said:
„Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn.t deaf!“
The little brother replied: „No, but Grandma sure
is!“
Joke 232
Paul died, and his wife phoned the newspaper to
place an obituary. She called the obituary department an said:
„This is what I want to have printed: Paul is dead.“
The man at the newspaper said: „But for 25 Dollar you are
allowed to print six words.“ The woman answered: „OK,
then print : Paul is dead, Toyota for sale.“
Joke 231
A man visits God and says: „God, do you
mind if I ask you a few questions?“ God says: „No, ask
me anything at all.“ So the man says: „God, you've been
around for a long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand
years?“God replies: „For me, a thousend years is only
five minutes.“ The man says: „That.s interesting, God.
And, for you, how much is a million dollars?“ God replies:
„For me, a million dollars is only five cents.“ The man
says: „Really? Well then, God, could you lend me five cents,
please?“ God looks at the man, smiles, and says: „Of
course, my son. Just wait five minutes!“
Joke 230
A little girl had just finished her first week of
scool. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't
read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"
Joke 229
A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart wich
contained, among other things, a screaming baby. The gentleman kept
repeading softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream Albert;
dont't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to
him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe
your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm
Albert.
Joke 228
A teacher to a pupil: "Conjugate the verb "to
walk" in simple present." Pupil: "I walk. You walk..." The teacher
interupts him: "Quicker, please." Pupil: "I run. You run ..."
Joke 227
A student comes to a young professor.s
officehours, She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels
pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans
closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his
eyes. "I mean ..." she wispers, "...I would do ...anything. He
returns her gaze. "Anything?" - "Anything" - His voice softens
"Anything???" - "Absolutely anything" His voice turns into wisper,
"Would you ... study?"
Joke 226
A men went to the doctor an said, "Doctor, please
help me. I hurt all over." The doctor asked the man to explain
more. The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my
leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch, it
hurts. The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr. Smith, your
finger is broken!"
Joke 225
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are
sitting in a street café watching people going and coming out
of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two
people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they
notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist: "The
measurement wasn.t accurate." The biologist.s conclusion: "They
have reproduced." The mathematician: "If exactly one person enters
the house now, then it will be empty again." Copyright
Langenscheidts Sprachkalender2003
Joke 224
Transcript of an appatently ACTUAL radio
conversation: Americans: "Recommend your divert your course 15
degrees to the nort to avoid a collision." Canadiens: "Negativ. You
will have to divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision." Americans: "This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I
repead, divert YOUR course." Canadiens: "No. I repeat, you divert
YOUR course." Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRKRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
THE SECOND-LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY TREE DESTROYERS, TREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I
REPEAT, THAT.S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURE WILL BE
UNTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP." Canadiens: "This is a
lighthouse. Your call!" Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender2003
Joke 223
Overheard at a computerstore: "I want a game
capable of holding the interest of a six-year-old, but it.s got to
be simple enough for his father to play, too." Copyright
Langenscheidts Sprachkalender 2003
Joke 222
A boy asks his father if he can use the car, and
the father replies, "No, not until you cut your hair!" The boy
replies, "But father ... Jesus had long hair!" To which his father
says, "True, but he WALKED everywhere!" Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender 2003
Joke 221
A man went to his doctor to find out why he had
been such severe headaches. The doctor ran some tests and after a
few hours called the man into his office. "I have terrible news,"
he told the patient. "Your condition is terminal." "Oh, no!" the
man wailed. "How long do I have?" "Ten..." began the doctor. "Ten
what?" the patient interrupted. "Days? Month? Years?" "Nine," said
the doctor, "eight, seven, six ..." (Reader's Digest, Nov. 1997 -
Contributed by Bob Fajardo) The zoo built a special eight-foot-high
enclosure for its newly acquired kangoroo, but the next morning the
animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence
was increased to 15 feet, but the kangoroo got out again.
Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet,
but the kangoroo still escaped. Question: How will they have to
build the fence? ANSWER: Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving
the gate unlocked. (Reader's Digest, Sept. 1995 - Contributed by
Jerry H. Simpson, Jr.) Fishing in a boat one day, two men see a
bottle float by. The guy sitting in the back picks up the bottle
and pulls out the cork. A genie appears. "Since you freed me from
the bottle," says the genie, "I shall grant you one wish." The guy
in front blurts out, "I wish the lake would turn into beer!" Just
like that, they are floating on a lake full of beer. "Way to go,"
the guy in the back says angrily. "Now we have to pee in the boat."
(Reader's Digest, August 2003 - submitted by Dustin Godsey)
Joke 220
What would worry you more? Your 14 year old
daughter comes home from school saying that her class had a
sex-education lesson with a PRESENTATION OR Your 14-year-old
daughter comes home from school saying that she had sex TRAINING.
from Alexandra Graßler
Joke 219
Sunday was to be the day of Joe's wedding, and he
and his father were enjoying a nightcap together. Lifting his glass
in a toast to his father, Joe asked: "Any advice before I take the
big step, dad?" "Yes", the father said. "Two things. First: insist
on having one night out a week with the boys. Second: don't waste
it on the boys."
Joke 218
While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he
couldn't concentrate. Though they were married only a few years, he
reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and
essentially joyless. Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, "What
happened? Did I hurt you?" "No," said his surprised wife. "Why do
you ask?" "No reason, really," he replied with a sigh. "It was just
that for one moment there I thought you moved."
Joke 217
Carter had been back from his honeymoon only a
week when a friend asked him how he liked married life. "Why, it's
nice enough," was his reply. "It's almost like being in
love."
Joke 216
The whole thing is ridiculous. You take somebody
to lunch, you can't write it off unless you talk business. I took a
blonde to lunch the other day. I started to talk business, she
slapped me right in the face.
Joke 215
"Blondinenwitz" aus Amerika: A man was in his
front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor
came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened
it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little
later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and
slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As
the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again,
marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder
than ever!Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something
wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My computer
keeps saying: YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
Joke 214
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 15 Californian
Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy. Bush Capitalism: You
have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist
peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they
have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk. Martha
Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you
sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go
down.
Joke 213
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 14 Bureaucrat
Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other
and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out
forms accounting for the missing cows. Real Capitalism: You don't
have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans
you from milking them.
Joke 212
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 13 Totalitarian
Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned. Nevadan Capitalism: You have two
cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with
them. Jehovah‚s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go
door to door telling people that you do.
Joke 211
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 12 Mormon
Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should
as well. Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government
takes both and drafts you. Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You
teach them to fire guns.
Joke 210
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 11 Perestroika
Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as
you can and sell it on the black market. Jewish Capitalism: You
have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both
and shoots you.
Joke 209
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 10 Real-World
Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your
neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most
"ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no
one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. Australian
Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them. Iraqi
Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Joke 208
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 10 Real-World
Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your
neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most
"ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no
one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. Australian
Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.Iraqi
Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Joke 207
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 9 Clinton
Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by
ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you
as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. Gore
Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
Joke 206
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 8 Disney
Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing. Microsoft
Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else
who has them. Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give
them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb
and shoot milk out of their udders on command.
Joke 205
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 6 Enron
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a
tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow
to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys
your bull. Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to
Florida. Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with
(the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war
mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less
valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Joke 204
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 5 Hindu
Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them. Irish Capitalism:
You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they
emigrate. Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows,
right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell
the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become
doctors. So, who needs people?
Joke 203
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 4 Swiss
Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You
charge others for storing them. Canadian Capitalism: You have two
cows. Let‚s make a hockey team, eh? Chinese Capitalism: You
have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported the numbers.
Joke 202
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 3 British
Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad. Russian Capitalism:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again
and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka. Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one
on the left is kinda cute...
Joke 201
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 2 Japanese
Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them World-Wide. German Capitalism: You have two cows. You
reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves. Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you
don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
Joke 200
Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 1 Traditional
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on
the income. American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one,
and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead. French Capitalism: You have two
cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Joke 199
Would you believe it, I used to play at Carnegie
Hall till the cops chased me away.
Joke 198
A woman is taking a shower. All of a sudden her
doorbell rings. She yells, "Who's there?" He says, "Blind man."
Well, she's a charitable lady. She runs out of the shower naked and
opens the door. He says, "Where should I put these blinds,
lady?"
Joke 197
Question: Two men are in love with me, Murray and
George. Who will be the lucky one? Answer: Murray will marry you.
George will be the lucky one.
Joke 196
When it comes to gambling, I only gamble for
laughs. In fact, last week I laughed away my car.
Joke 195
You meet the craziest people on the subway. One
guy sitting next to me kept saying, "Call me a doctor call
me a doctor." I asked, "What's the matter, are you sick?" He said,
"No, I just graduated from medical school."
Joke 194
What a fight! When the bell rang, I came out of
my corner and threw six straight punches in a row. Then the other
guy came out of his corner.
Joke 193
In her own eyes, Peggy was the most popular girl
in the world. "You know," she told her girlfriend, "A lot of men
are going to be miserable when I marry." "Really? How many are you
going to marry?"
Joke 192
Hoping to avoid the embarrassing attentions that
most hotels bestow on newlyweds, the honeymooners carefully removed
the rice from their hair, took the "Just Married" sign off their
car, and even scuffed their luggage to give it that traveled look.
Then, without betrying a trace of their eagerness, they ambled
casually into Miami Beach's Fontainebleau Hotel and up to the front
desk. where the groom said in a loud, booming voice, "We've
reserved a double bed with a room."
Joke 191
Noah Webster's wife, returning from a long trip,
discovered the lexicographer "in flagrante delicto" with a pretty
chambermaid. "Mr. Webster!" she gasped, "I am surprised!" "No, my
dear," said Webster with a reproving smile. "You are shocked; I am
surprised."
Joke 190
A ventriloquist with his puppet makes a joke
about blond women. Suddenly a feminist stands up and accuses him:
You make sexist jokes by promoting chauvinistic and humiliating
sterotypes about women, you should feel ashamed! The man is
intimdated and wants to beg pardon but the blonde counters: I'm not
talking to you but to your friend!
Joke 189
The unabashed dictionary defines adolescence as
the age between puberty and adultery.
Joke 188
The convertible glided silently to a stop on a
lonely country road. "Out of gas," he said, with a sly smile. "Yes,
I thought you might be," said his date, as she opened her big purse
and pulled out a rather large bottle. "Say, you are a swinger," he
said. "What do you have in there Scotch or Bourbon?"
"Gasoline," she replied.
Joke 187
A middle-aged friend of ours says he can't
understand all the excitement over the movie version of Lolita. "I
didn't see anything in it that could be considered even vaguely
sensational," he told us, "and neither did my twelve-year-old
wife."
Joke 186
One day in school young Johnny wrote on the
blackboard, "Johnny is a passionate devil." The teacher reprimanded
him for this act, and made him stay after school for one hour. When
he finally left the school that evening, all his friends crowded
around him, eager to hear what punishment he had received. "What
did she do to you?" asked one little tyke. "I ain't saying
nothing," Johnny replied, "except that it pays to advertise."
Joke 185
A guy comes home and finds his wife relaxing in
bed. All looks well till he notices a cigar in the ash tray.
Hebecomes furious and yells, "Where did that cigar come from?" A
voice from under the bed says, "Havana!"
Joke 184
A guy in the garment industry has a son who asks
him, "Daddy, what kind of a flower is that?" He says, "What am I, a
milliner?"
Joke 183
Two guys who work in the garment industry are
hunting game in Africa. They hear the growl of an animal behind
them. One says, "What kind of an animal is that?" The other says
"What am I a furrier?
Joke 182
He's the kind of a guy who drings Brazilian
coffee out of an English cup while devouring French pastry, sitting
on his Danish furniture after coming home in his German car from
seeing an Italian movie, he picks up his Japanese-made ball-point
and writes to his american Congressman, demanding that they stop
the flow of gold out of this country.
Joke 181
Do you know what it means to come home at night
to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a
little tenderness? It means you're not in your own house, that's
what it means
Joke 180
A father wants to cheer up his son: Come on boy,
smile! These are the most beautiful years of your life. Son: You
mean everything is going to get even worse...?!
Joke 179
I live so far out of town in the suburbs, the
mailman mails me my letters.
Joke 178
- A guy comes up in divorce court about alimony
payments. The judge says, "The Court shall grant this woman 250
dollars a week." The guy says, "That's very nice of you, Judge.
I'll pitch in a few dollars myself."
Joke 177
Statistics show that every four seconds a woman
gives birth to a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop
her.
Joke 176
The other day I was driving under the influence
of my wife. She talks and talks and talks. She gets two thousand
words to the gallon.
Joke 175
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago
it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today
a five-year-old does it.
Joke 174
The first part of our marriage was very happy.
But then on the way back from the wedding-ceremony …
Joke 173
My wife used to be a guitar player. She got rid
of the guitar and now just picks on me.
Joke 172
Now that I've learned to make the most of life,
most of it is gone.
Joke 171
The automobile of tommorrow will be faster than
sound. You'll be in the hospital before you start the motor.
Joke 170
- To give you an idea how difficult my wife can
be, she bought me two ties for my birthday. To please her I wore
one. She hollered, "What's the matter, don't you like the other
one?"
Joke 169
- The traffic was so heavy people were driving
bumper to bumper. I pushed in my cigarette lighter and the woman in
the car in front of me said, "Ouch!"
Joke 168
The meanest thing you can do to a woman is to
lock her in a room with a thousand hats and no mirror.
Joke 167
Everybody's on strike nowadays. We saw a guy
carrying a sign with nothing on it. "Who are you picketing
against?" I asked. He says, "Nobody. I'm looking for a
sponsor."
Joke 166
My new car is so modern you press a button and it
presses a button.
Joke 165
There's a new safety device on cars now. if you
want to turn right, press a button and a sign lights up that says,
"I'm turning right." Press another button and it says, "I'm turning
left." There's a special button for women drivers. it says, "I
don't know what I'm going to do next."
Joke 164
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I
controlled myself.
Joke 163
What good is happiness? It can't buy you
money.
Joke 162
My wife doesn't want to take weight off. She just
wants to rearrange it.
Joke 161
I don't have to do this for a living. I can
always starve to death.
Joke 160
I miss my wif's cooking as ofter as I
can.
Joke 159
A man doesn't know what real happiness is until
he's married. Then it's too late.
Joke 158
Las Vegas is the only town in the country where
you can have a wonderful time without enjoying yourself.
Joke 157
If you must drink while you're driving home, be
sure the radio in the car is turned up loud. That way you won't
hear the crash.
Joke 156
She puts that mud on her face before going to bed
at night. I say, "Goodnight, Swamp."
Joke 155
It was the final examination for an introductory
Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman
courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500
students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam
booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the
class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours
would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour
into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor
for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish
this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student
a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat
and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the
exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the
stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going
to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and
angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't,"
replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "Do you
know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice. "No, and
I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the
room.
Joke 154
I was up at the crack of six this morning. Took a
brisk walk to the bathroom and was back in bed at 6:05.
Joke 153
Four drunks looked at her, they took the
pledge.
Joke 152
An elderly man was visiting his doctor for a
check-up. The doctor said, "Mr. Jones, you're sound as a dollar.
You'll live to be eighty." "But I am eighty," Mr. Jones says. "See,
what did I tell you?"
Joke 151
There was a mix-up at the swank Fifth Avenue
florist shop. Wrong cards were attached to two imposing floral
wreaths. The one that went to a druggist moving to a new building
read: "Deepest sympathy." The one intended for the funeral of a
leading banker read: "Good luck in your new location."
Joke 150
The Farm Hand A successful farmer died and left
everything to his devoted Wife. She was a very good-looking woman,
and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about
farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm
hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the farm than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about
farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the farm was doing
very well. Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job and the farm looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels." He agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon
entering the room, he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with
a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to
her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he
did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,
ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and
placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly
unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now
take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties.
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then
she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you are fired on the spot."
Joke 149
We got a new foreign car with the motor in the
back. Pulled up in front of the Sherman hotel and the bellboy
opened up the back of the car. Before I knew it, the motor was up
in the room.
Joke 148
George is a worker at the lumbermill. One day,
while pushing a tree through the buzzsaw he accidentally cuts off
all ten of his fingers. He runs to the emergency room. The doctor
says, "My goodness! Well, give me your fingers, and I will see what
I can do for you." "I don't have the fingers" George answers. "What
do you mean, you don't have the fingers? We're in the third
millennium and we have microsurgery and lots of other incredible
techniques. I could put them back on and make your hands like new.
So, why didn't you bring your fingers?" George replies, "You see,
Doc, I couldn't pick them up." Einsender: Detlev Tesch
Joke 147
A big corporation sent their best managers to a
very expensive seminar. They were to learn to find solutions for
problems even in very unusual circumstances. On the second day some
of them had to measure the height of a flag pole. So they got
themselves a ladder and a tape measure. Since the ladder was too
short they fetched a table to put the ladder on. That didn't do it,
so they also got a chair, that they put on the table and the ladder
on top of the chair. However, the contraption kept falling over
again and again. Everybody was talking at the same time, bringing
forward different suggestions. Then a woman walks by, looking at
all that chaos. Without a word she pulls the flag pole out of the
ground, lays it down, grabs the tape measure, measures the pole
from one end to the other, jots the result down on a piece of paper
and hands it to one of the managers. As soon as she has disappeared
around the corner one manager says, "Typical woman. We have to
measure the pole's HEIGHT and she measures its LENGTH. That's why
we don't allow women in our management." Einsender: Detlev
Tesch
Joke 146
You know the world is going crazy when --- the
best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the
Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of
arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war. Einsender: Detlev
Tesch
Joke 145
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
for many years. His doctor was able to fit him with a set of
hearing aids and thus he was able to hear 100% again. Several weeks
after that the elderly gentleman went to see his doctor again and
was told, "Your hearing is just perfect now. All of your family
must be very pleased." "Oh, I have not told my family about it,
yet." The gentleman answered. "I simply sit around and listen to
them talking. I've changed my will three times by now."
Joke 144
My car is so worn out, every time I have to go
down to the finance company to make a payment on it, I have to take
a cab.
Joke 143
Before that he worked in a winery, stepping on
grapes. He got fired one day when they caught him sitting down on
the job.
Joke 142
Funny Thoughts (by George Carlin) "I went to a
bookstore and asked the saleswoman: 'Where's the self-help
section?' She said: "If I were to tell you that, it would defeat
the purpose."
Joke 141
Quick Wit: You are OLD", when your sweetie says,
"Let's go upstairs and make love." and you answer: "Pick one, I
can't do both!"
Joke 140
My wife has a nice even disposition. Miserable
all the time.
Joke 139
One thing I will say, she's very neat around the
house. If I drop ashes on the floor, she's right there to pick them
up. I throw my clothes down, she hangs them up immediately. I got
up at three the other morning, went in the kitchen to get a glass
of orange juice, I came back, I found the bed made.
Joke 138
I just solved the parking problem. I bought a
parked car. Things are rough. People are worried. I saw a man lying
in the gutter, I walked up and said, "Are you sick? Can I help
you?" He said, "No, I found a parking space, I sent my wife out to
buy a car."
Joke 137
A few weeks ago a doctor friend of mine had
trouble with his plumbing. The pipes in his bathroom began to leak.
The leak became bigger and bigger. Even though it was 2:00 A.M.,
the doctor decided to phone his plumber. Naturally, the plumber got
sore being awakened at that hour of the morning. "For Pet's sake,
Doc," he wailed, "this is some time to wake a guy." "Well," the
doctor answered testily, "you're never hesitated to call me in the
middle of the night with a medical problem. Now it just happens
I've got a plumbing emergency." There was a moment's silence. Then
the plumber spoke up. "Right you are, Doc," he agreed. "Tell me
what's wrong." The Doctor explained about the leak in the bathroom.
"Tell you what to do," the plumber offered. "Take two aspirins
every four hours, drop them down the pipe. If the leak hasn't
cleared up by morning, phone me at the office."
Joke 136
I called down to the desk. I said, "Is this room
service?" She said, "Yes." I said, "Send up a room."
Joke 135
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house.
Everytime the host needed something, he preceded his request to his
wife ba calling her, „My Love,“„Darling,“
„Sweetheart,“ etc., etc. While she was getting the
desert his friend looked at him and said, „That's really very
nice after all the years you've been married to keep saying those
little pet names.“ „Well, to be honest, I've forgotten
her name.“
Joke 134
At the age of 90 Bob Hope had changed his major
hobby, instead of golf he then preferred painting. Do you know shy?
- No. Tell me. - Less strokes!
Joke 133
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in
the middle of the night, insearch of a glass of water. Hearing a
lot of moaning and thumping, he peeksin and catches his folks in
The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims,"Oh,
boy, horse ride! Horse ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?
"Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon
mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight,
Daddy!! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get
bucked off!!!"
Joke 132
My car is so worn out, every time I have to go
down to the finance company to make a payment on it, I have to take
a cab.
Joke 131
I've got a brother-in-law who's a real character.
An elderly man, still chases women, but forgets what for.
Joke 130
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no
bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
Joke 129
I wish he would learn a trade so we'd know what
kind of work he was out of.
Joke 128
All you married men, wan to drive your wives
crazy? When you go home, don't talk in your sleep just
grin.
Joke 127
My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud
pack. For two days she looked nice. Then the mud fell off.
Joke 126
The cutest little girl was giving me a manicure.
I said, "How's about a date later?" She said. "I'm married." I
said, "So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a
girl friend." She said, "Tell him yourself he's shaving
you."
Joke 125
One guy said to his wife, "On TV 9 saw an amazing
device that sews buttons right on clothes." His wife said, "That's
wonderful. What is it?" And the guy said, "A needle and
thread."
Joke 124
My wife should have been a lawyer. Every time we
have an argument and she feels she's losing, she takes it to the
higher court her mother.
Joke 123
The way she looks in the morning! She ran after
the garbage man and said, "Am I too late for the garbage?" He said,
"No, jump in."
Joke 122
I said to my mother-in-law, "My house is your
house." Last week she sold it.
Joke 121
I've been married for thirty-four years and I'm
still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out,
she'll kill me.
Joke 120
You know what's embarrassing? When you look
through a keyhole and you see another eye.
Joke 119
In Las Vegas, a man walked up to his wife and
said, "Give me the money I told you not to give me."
Joke 118
An art theatre: that's a place where the theatre
is clean, the picture are filthy.
Joke 117
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one
said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today. I just hate it when the
children play inside."
Joke 116
Can she talk! She was in Miami, and when she got
home, her tongue was sunburned. She missed her nap today. She slept
right through it.
Joke 115
A man went to Las Vegas with a $ 7,000 Cadillac
and came home with a $ 75,000 bus.
Joke 114
Here's my life story. I came from a very poor
family. They couldn't afford to have children, so our neighbor had
me.
Joke 113
Walked into a store and said, "This is my wife's
birthday. I'd like to buy her a beautiful fountain pen." The clerk
winked at me and said, "A little surprise, huh?" I said, "Yes,
she's expecting a Cadillac."
Joke 112
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he
called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that
the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store
charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off
reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Joke 111
I took my car down to see what I could get for it
on a trade-in. One dealer took a look at it and offered me a
ball-point pen.
Joke 110
I bought a suit that comes from London. It was
brought here and sold to a wholesaler. The wholesaler sold it to a
retailer and the retailer sold it to me. To think all those people
are making a living out of something I haven't paid for.
Joke 109
How much does a femal brain cost? In the hospital
the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family
member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one
at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The
family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200
for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room
tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women, but some
actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted
out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so
much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to
the entire group said," It's just standard pricing procedure. We
have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've
actually been used."
Joke 108
A rugged Texan, dripping with oil and Cadillacs,
walked into an exclusive art gallery in New York with his nagging
wife. In fifteen minutes flat the Texan bought six Picassos, three
Renoirs, ten Cézanes, and thirty Utrillos. He then turned to
his wife and with a sigh of relief said. "There, honey chile, that
takes care of the Christmas cards. Now let's get started on the
serious shopping."
Joke 107
A man in a supermarket - he seems utterly
overwhelmed and lost ... he is so very worried and absentminded
that he bumps right into another man who is behaving just like he
is. The first man says, "I'm sorry. I'm quite distracted ... I'm
looking for my wife." The second man answers, "Outch! Well, I'm
looking for my wife, too. What does yours look like?" "Her name is
Susie. A gorgeous blonde, about 1m75 tall, her hair is shoulder
length and her black lace bra is well filled .. and her smile is a
little naughty. What does your wife look like?" "Oh, forget about
mine! Let's look for yours...!"
Joke 106
Now to do this you must go to diction school.
They teach you how to speak clearly. To do this they fill your
mouth with marbles and you're supposed to talk clearly right
through the marbles. Now every day you lose one marble. When you've
lost all your marbles …
Joke 105
Expensive hotel: Finally got a room and bath for
thirty dollars a day. I didn't go to the beach once. I just stayed
in my room and watched it.
Joke 104
Fellow bought a mouse-trap for his cellar. When
he went to set it, he found that he had forgotten to buy cheese, so
he cut a piece of cheese from a magazine and placed this in the
trap. Surprisingly enough this worked. When he went down the next
morning, he found in the trap a picture of a mouse.
Joke 103
I say a drunk walk up to a parking meter and put
in a dime. The dial went to 60. He said, "How do you like that. I
weigh on hour." HU'S ON FIRST (We take you now to the Oval Office
with Condoleeza Rice & George Bush...) George: Condi! Nice to
see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about
the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is
the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi:
That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you.
Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the
fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm
asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you
not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East! Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No,
sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader
of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention
it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi:
Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.? Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And
stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi:
Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the
phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice?
Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too...maybe we should send
some to the guy in China! And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
Joke 102
They have a new thing nowadays called Nicotine
Anonymous. It's for people who want to stop smoking. When you feel
a craving for a cigarette, you simply call up another member and he
comes over and you get drunk together. They have a new thing
nowadays called Nicotine Anonymous. It's for people who want to
stop smoking. When you feel a craving for a cigarette, you simply
call up another member and he comes over and you get drunk
together.
Joke 101
Some people ask, how do you become a comedian?
Well, to become a comedian, you tell your friends a lot of jokes,
you get them all together, you keep the good ones, before you know
it you're a riot at a party. Somebody says, "You ought to go on the
stage." Like an idiot, you believe them.
Joke 100
Did you hear about the rich kid from Dallas who
walked up to Santa Claus and said, "Santa, what do you need?"
Joke 99
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful
presents I can't wait to exchange.
Joke 98
Want to drive somebody crazy? Send him a wire
saying, "Ignore first wire." Another way to drive a guy crazy: Send
him a telegram and on top put "Page 2".
Joke 97
Some man lost a lot of money in Las Vegas. He's
fed up, he's disgusted, he's driving out of town. From out of the
mountains he hears a voice saying, "Go back to Las Vegas, go back
to Las Vegas." He figures this is a good omen, he drives back to
Las Vegas at eighty miles an hour. He gets back to Las Vegas, the
voice says, "Go into the Sands Hotel to gamble this time." So he
goes into the Sands Hotel. The voice says, "Play roulette, put $
2,000 on Number 8." He does that. Number 6 comes up. He loses. The
voice says, "How about that!"
Joke 96
I was in the lobby of the Sherman Hotel and I
found a man's hand in my pocket. I said, "What do you want?" He
said, "I want a match." I said, "Why don't you ask for it?" He
said, "I don't talk to strangers."
Joke 95
My mother tells the joke about two little old
ladies meeting. One says to the other, "What did you do to your
hair? It looks awful it looks like a wig." She says. "It is
a wig." The other woman says, "You know, you could never
tell."
Joke 94
A couple in Hollywood got divorced. Then they got
remarried. The divorce didn't work out. A rich guy in Dallas bought
his kid a chemistry outfit du Pont.
Joke 93
When a woman puts on a dinner dress, it doesn't
necessarily mean she's going to dinner. And when she dons a
cocktail dress, it doesn't mean necessarily that she's going to a
cocktail party. But when she puts on a wedding dress, you know she
means business.
Joke 92
When I was a kid I had no watch. I used to tell
time by my violin. I used to practice in the middle of the night
and the neighbors yould yell, "Fine time to praktice violin, three
o'clock in the morning!"
Joke 91
An actress in Hollywood got divorced, she took
her four kids with her. There was an actor out there who got
divorced, and the took his four kids with him. Then they met, they
fell in love, they got married and had four kids of their own. One
day she looked out the window, she said, "Darling, your kids and my
kids are beating the heck out of our kids!"
Joke 90
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French and
even the waiter was surprised. It was a Chinese restaurant.
Joke 89
A lot of people are desperate today. A fellow
walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?" I said no.
He said, "Stick 'em up!" Another fellow walked up to me and said,
"Stick 'em down." I said, "You mean stick'em up." He said, "No
wonder I haven't made any money."
Joke 88
A father was explaining ethics to his son who was
about to go into business: "Supposing a woman comes in and orders $
100 worth of material. You wrap it up and give it to her. She pays
you with a $ 100 bill. As she goes out the door, you realize she
has given you two $ 100 bills. Here's where the ethics some in.
Should you or shouldn't you tell your partner?"
Joke 87
My arm started to hurt me. I said, "Doctor,
examine my arm." He looked at my arm, he brought out a medical book
and studied it for fifteen minutes. He said to me, "Have you ever
had that pain before?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, you got it
again."
Joke 86
A young co-worker asks Humphrey the secret of his
long marriage. Humphrey: „We take time to go to a restaurant
twice a week; a little candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow
walk home. Mary goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.“
Joke 85
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a glass
of whiskey. The bartender answers, „Sorry, we don't serve
food.“
Joke 84
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house.
Everytime the host needed something, he preceded his request to his
wife ba calling her, „My Love,“„Darling,“
„Sweetheart,“ etc., etc. While she was getting the
desert his friend looked at him and said, „That's really very
nice after all the years you've been married to keep saying those
little pet names.“ „Well, to be honest, I've forgotten
her name.“
Joke 83
Questions 1: If a plane crashed on the border of
the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried? 2: How
many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark? 3. How
many months have 28 days?(THINK this is a lil' too much!) 4. How
far can a bear walk into the woods? 5. What is the value of coin
dated 24 B.C.? 6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record
have? 7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile
east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive
at her camp. What color is the bear? 8. If a rooster lays an egg on
the peak of a roof , will the egg roll to the left side or to the
right side? 9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a
rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at
35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow? 10. On which side
of a chicken are the most feathers? Scroll down for the answers ...
ANSWERS: 1. You don't bury survivors. 2. Moses didn't have an Ark,
Noah did. 3. All twelve of them. 4. Half way, then he is walking
out of the woods. 5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC. 6. One
(spiraling) on each side. 7. The camp must be at the north pole,
therefore the bear is white. 8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens
do. 9. Electric trains don't blow smoke. 10. The outside.
Joke 82
MY WIFE WENT TO THE BEAUTY SHOP AND GOT A MUD
PACK. FOR TWO DAYS SHE LOOKED NICE. THEN THE MUD FELL OFF.
Joke 81
She puts that cold cream on at night an inch
thick, and she puts those curlers in her hair, then she puts a
fishing net over the whole thing. She said: „Kiss me.„
I said: „Take me to your leader.„
Joke 80
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a
table, and when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, "I
want a quickie." She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please
give me your order? Again he says, "I want a quickie." She slaps
him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you
want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to
the man; "I think it's pronounced quiche."
Joke 79
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all
Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No,
there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected
I promise...'"
Joke 78
A swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at
a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung,
sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at
him. " Excusez-moi, parlez-vous francais?" The two continue to
stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan usted espanol?"
Still nothing The swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The
first Englishmen turns to the second and says; "Y'ou know, maybe we
should learn a foreign language ..." "Why?" says the other, "That
bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 77
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: .Compliment her .cuddle
her .kiss her .caress her .love her .stroke her .tease her .comfort
her .protect her .hug her .hold her .spend money on her .wine &
dine her .buy things for her .listen to her .care for her .stand by
her .support her .go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO
IMPRESS A MAN: .Show up naked. .Bring beer.
Joke 76
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the
neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a
company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The
Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the
interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Joke 75
"HAVE YOU TRIED TAI CHI?" "NO, I DON'T LIKE SPICY
FOOD."
Joke 74
"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Have you seen a doctor?" "No, just spots."
Joke 73
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence,
one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you
consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you
standing up there all by yourself." Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 72
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his
attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went
straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and
stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her
house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready
to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox,
opening it and slamming it even harder than ever! Puzzled by her
actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she
replied, "There certainly is!" My computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL!"
Joke 71
The Saga of Hotel Soap The following letters were
taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of
it's guests. The Hotel submitted the letters to the London Sunday
Times for their humor column. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any
more of those little bars of soap in mybathroom since I have
brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened
little bars from the shelf under the medicine chestand another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S.
Berman Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back
tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out
of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf
I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in
case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I
left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3
soaps daily. I hope this issatisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid Dear
Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not
tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.
When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicinecabinet. I am going to
be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last
Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed
by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the
shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the
Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove
the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placedinside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of
further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty Dear Mr. Berman, The
assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your
maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you
will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have
any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my
personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank
you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible
to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at
7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I
called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only
asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars
of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars onthe
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman Dear Mr.
Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering
soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of
further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM
and5PM.Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mr. Kensedder, My
bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had
to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S.
Berman Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine
Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no
soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of
soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified
immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the
hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do youre alize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
soI personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken
and the3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24
Camays plus the3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some
bath-size Ivory which I leftin your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my
latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On the shelf under
medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4and 1 stack of 2. - On
the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack
of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside the
medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2. - In
the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On the northeast
corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On the
northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask
Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacksare neatly
piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than
4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman Copyright: Shelly Berman
"A Hotel Is a Place"S. Berman
Joke 70
Taxiing down the tarmac, a plane abruptly
stopped, turned aroundd and returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked
the filigt attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was
bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "So it
took an hour to fix the problem?" the passenger aasked. "No," he
replied, "It took us an hour to find another pilot." Copyright
Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 69
An old couple was sitting on the veranda as they
had for many years. "I was just thinking", said the old lady,
"we've haaad a great life togehther, but sooner or later, one of us
will pass away." "Yes, but don't worry about that now," said her
husband. "Well, I was just thinking, when it happens, I think I'd
like to go to Scotland." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender
(vergriffen)
Joke 68
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:
with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater
emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if
I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously
and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn
# 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Joke 67
A man goes into a drug store and asks the
pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The
pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack)
"What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the
hiccups anymore do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the
car still does!"
Joke 66
A wife comes running home from the store and into
the house screaming at the top of her lunga, „Pack, pack! I
won the lottery!“ The husband, all exicited, runs up to her
and says, „Pack? Where are we going? The islands? The
mountains? Pack for where?“ The wife replies, „I don't
give a damn. Just pack and GET OUT!“Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 65
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife
and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the
Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she
insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked
up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling
sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick,
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife
cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter
husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself
out of it."
Joke 64
Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to
who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold
a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their
computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several
hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is
restored, and God announces that the contest has ended. God asks
Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries,
"I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!"
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus
enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of
3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the
speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do
that?!" God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"
Joke 63
A car was involved in accident in a street. As
expected, a large crowd gathered. A new paper reporter, anxios to
get his story, could not get near the car. Beeing a clever sort, he
started shouting loudly, „Let me throug! Let me trough! I am
the son of the victim.“ The crowd made way for him. Lying in
front of the car was a donkey. Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 62
Little Debbie came running into the house after
school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school
today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her Daddy. "Come in the
living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I
got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science..."
Joke 61
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when
suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air.
Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head
over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the
ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in
mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds:"I thought you
didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man
pleaded "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster
either!"
Joke 60
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
the student body: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
all male students, and vice versa. Anyone caught breaking this rule
once will be fined $500. Anyone caught breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $1000. A third time will cost you $2000. Any
questions?" A male voice: "How much for a season pass?"
Joke 59
Three kids are playing in the street and get hit
by a garbage truck. They all go to heaven and God says to them,
"You weren't supposed to die - you were all supposed to live out
your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let
you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump
off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to
Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be." The 1st
kid takes a running leap and shouts "I want to be an attorney." And
so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of
money, with an upcoming appointment to the Supreme Court. The 2nd
kid takes his turn and shouts "I want to be a brain surgeon." And
so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of
medicine and making a ton of money saving lives. The 3rd kid goes
to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and
stumbles off the cloud muttering "....clumsy bastard.." And so, 20
years later................. he's still playing left back for
England...
Joke 58
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife
is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is
this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted,
"this is her husband!" Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender
(vergriffen)
Joke 57
God brings Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates into
his office and says "Men, I've decided to bring the world to an end
this Thursday -- I want you to go back and tell your people." Upon
his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of
America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all
these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been
right -- there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the
world on Thursday." Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian
people and says "Brave comrades, I have bad news and bad news. The
first bad news is that we've been wrong all these years -- there
really is a God. The other bad news is that he is destroying the
world on Thursday." Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft.
"I have good news and more good news!" he tells them. "The first
good news is that God called a meeting of the three people he
thinks are the most important in the world and I was one of them.
The other good news that that OS/2 stops shipping Thursday.
Joke 56
This joke was sent to us by Mr. Michael
Schwanhäuser of the insider-bookstore. Thanks :-) A bum, who
obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a
well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare
two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not
going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink,"
retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some crap
game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble,"
answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for
greens fees, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I
don't play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come
home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity
gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she
sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but
it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who
doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
Joke 55
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivides
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep . Copyright
Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 54
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa
one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning
into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered
it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of
the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be
right over," said the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his
wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the
doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
Joke 53
Walking up to a department store's fabric
counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a
new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss per meter," replied
the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll
take ten meters." With expectation and anticipation written all
over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the
cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package
and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will
pay the bill," she smiled.
Joke 52
Jesus and Joseph Jesus is walking around heaven,
feeling nostalgic for his earthly life and family. He decides to
look for Joseph to catch up on old times. He sees an old man and
goes up to him. Jesus: "Excuse me, I'm looking for my father." Old
Man: "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my son." Jesus: "Well, my
father wasn't really my biological father, but he loved me like a
son anyway." Old Man: "What a coincidence! My son wasn't my real
son, either, but I loved him as my own." Jesus: "Well, my father
was a carpenter." Old Man: "What a coincidence! I was a carpenter,
too!" Jesus: "Wow! Well, when I was a child, I left home for a long
time, and when I finally came back, I experienced a magical
transformation and became something completely different from what
I'd been before." Old Man: "Wow! The same thing happened to my
son!" Jesus: "Father!" Old Man: "Pinocchio!"
Joke 51
The patient's family gathered to hear what the
specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is
a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might
work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you
will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a
brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For
a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried
to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they
understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was
unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male
brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the
head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because
they have actually been used."
Joke 50
One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge
dog. The mailman said to the boy, „Does your dog
bite?“„No,“ replied the boy. Just then the hug
dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, „I thought your dog
doesn't bite!“ „He doesn't“ replied the boy,
„That's not my dog!“ Copyright Langenscheidts
Sprachkalender (vergriffen)
Joke 49
A young man once asked God how long a million
years was to him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like
a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a
million dollars was to him.God replied, "A million dollars to me is
just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his
courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God
replied, "Certainly, just a second."
Joke 48
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and
Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the
summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning
of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer
retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting
Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen
. . .had to be a girl! We should've known. Only women would be able
to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one
night, and not get lost.
Joke 47
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas at Microsoft when
the first bug appeared, my manager said to me see if it happens
again. when the second bug appeared, my manager said to me ask them
how they did it, see if it happens again. when the third bug
appeared, my manager said to me try to reproduce it, ask them how
they did it, see if it happens again. when the fourth bug appeared,
my manager said to me use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them
how they did it, see if it happens again. when the fifth bug
appeared, my manager said to me ask for a dump, use a debugger, try
to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again.
when the sixth bug appeared, my manager said to me reinstall the
software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask
them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the seventh bug
appeared, my manager said to me say they need an upgrade, reinstall
the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it,
ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the eighth
bug appeared, my manager said to me find a way around it, say they
need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a
debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it
happens again. when the ninth bug appeared, my manager said to me
blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an
upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger,
try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens
again. when the tenth bug appeared, my manager said to me change
the documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it,
say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump,
use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see
if it happens again. when the eleventh bug appeared, my manager
said to me say its not supported, change the documentation, blame
it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade,
reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to
reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again.
when the twelfth bug appeared, my manager said to me tell them its
a feature of Microsoft, say its not supported, change the
documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say
they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a
debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it
happens again.
Joke 46
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just
before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are
sleeping."
Joke 45
This is the "hairy story": What happened to me
this Easter.... I was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit jump
out across the middle of the road. I swerved to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
Sensitive man as well as an animal lover, I pull over and get out
to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to my dismay, the rabbit
is dead. I feel so awful that I begin to cry. A beautiful blonde
woman driving down the highway sees me crying on the side of a road
and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks me what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," I explain, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and
pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit
jumps up, waves its paw at the two of us and hops off down the
road. One meter away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another meter, turns and waves, hops
another meter, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again, until he hops out of sight. I was astonished. I turn to
woman and demand, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that
rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that I can read the
label. It says -and you won't believe this: (Are you ready for
this?) (Are you sure?) (This is bad!) (You know you could just
click off and not read the punch line) (You know you're gonna be
sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Joke 44
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I
plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as
he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of
hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went
up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Joke 43
A priest is walking down the road when he sees
one of his parishoners walking the other way. His arm is in a
sling, his head in bandages and he's on crutches with his leg in
plaster. The priest cries out: "Mick! Mick! Lord, Mick, what have
you been doing? Oh, Mick, you have been foightin' Mick! Mick,
foightin' is an evil ting Mick...an evil ting! Oh, have mercy Lord,
Mick has been foightin'." Mick stands and says nothing. "Tell, me
Mick, who did this to ya? Who did this evil ting to ya Mick?"Mick
replies, "Paddy Murphy, father" "Paddy Murphy! Oh Mick, Paddy
Murphy is an evil man, Mick! He is a heethen Mick, heethen I tell
ya! Oh, Mick, no, not Paddy Murphy, Mick!" Mick says, "He was
holdin' a beeseball bat, Father." "A beeseball bat! My God, Mick!
Tell me Mick, what were you holdin'?" Mick replies, "Paddy Murphy's
wife."
Joke 42
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can
take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not
extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created
Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God
said. "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got
Forbidden Fruit!" " No way!" " Yes WAY!" "Don't eat that fruit!"
said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God,
wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few
minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve
answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did Not!" "DID so!" "DID
NOT!!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was
that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the
pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a
reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard
on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you
think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Joke 41
My wife came home from work the other day and
told me that her car was making funny noises. Of couse she asked me
to look at it. Wanting to do my part in helping her become an
indepedent woman, I suggested that she find the problem herself or
take it to a mechanic.(actually I wouldn't know a spark plug from a
air filter) So she scowls at me and huffs and puffs out the door.
When she returned, I asked in my best concerned voice, "Everything
okay with your car now dear?" "Yes...but no thanks to you"! she
replied. "I was worried that the mechanic might try to rip me off."
"But I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth
of blinker fluid."
Joke 40
There was a middle-aged couple who had two
stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided
to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months
of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months
later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified
to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and
said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her
a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!" The
wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
Joke 39
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a
man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After awhile the kid
comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son,
both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is
Michael Jackson God?"
Joke 38
Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and
taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as
the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun,
who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just
fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered
by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can
you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned
sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's
a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns
are not spinsters - they are married to God!" "Really?," said Mr.
Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my
brother-in-law!"
Joke 37
The recreational director of a mental hospital
wanted to take a well behaved group of patients to a baseball game.
The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When
the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved
they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed. The
group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director
shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!"
Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third
inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running
helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that everything
was just fine until someone had called out: "Peanuts!"
Joke 36
A jet-set Lebanese parked his brand-new BMW in
front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he
got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door
on the driver's side. The Lebanese immediately grabbed his cell
phone,dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions,the Lebanese
started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues
reached the scene too. His BMW,which he had just picked up the day
before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter what the body shop did to it. When the Lebanese finally
wound down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic
you Lebanese are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions
that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a
thing?" asked the Lebanese. The policeman replied, "Didn't you
notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must
have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh My God!" screamed
the Lebanese. "Where's my Rolex watch?"
Joke 35
My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace
was to finish things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of
potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's and a small box
of chocolate candy. I feel better already.
Joke 34
This guy comes home from work one day to find his
dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead
and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him
forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and
gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into
the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of
natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks
the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around
and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?". The neighbor replies,
"We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is
that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had
dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There
must be some real sick people out there!"
Joke 33
An elderly couple were driving across the
country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the
highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were
speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and
asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were
speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman
turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man
yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer
her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I
spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the
ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and
asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows
you!"
Joke 32
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s
office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his
office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very
serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don`t do the
following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy
breakfast. Be pleasant and make shure he is in a good mood. For
lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially
nice meal for him. Don`t burden him with chores. Don`t discuss your
stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most
importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of
the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I
think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way
home, the husband asked his wife,"What did the doctor say to you?"
"You`re going to die."
Joke 31
What's Happening The Master of the house is
comfortably installed in an armchair in the library, reading a
newspaper. Suddenly, John, his butler rips the door open and
shouts: "Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!" The master looks
up calmly from the newspaper and says: "John, please. I have
already told you. If you do have something important to tell me,
first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet and
civilized manner, about the issue. Now please, do so". John
apologizes and closes the door behind him. Three seconds after, the
Master hears a knock on the door. "Yes?" John partially enters the
room, and with a wide gesture makes an invitation as for somebody
on the outside to enter: "Sir, the Thames".
Joke 30
If you could imagine this, two priests and a
rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they
kept for themselves.The first priest explained that he drew a
circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the
money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept, and
what landed outside the circle God kept. The second priest claimed
that his method was almost the same, except that what landed
outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed
inside the circle God kept. The rabbi said, "I've got you both
beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God
takes!"
Joke 29
A budding artist asked the gallery owner if there
had been any interest in his paintings on display in his art
gallery. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The
good news is that a gentleman did inquire about your work and
wondered if the paintings would appreciate in value after your
death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings!" "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "So what's
the bad news?"..."The guy was your doctor."
Joke 28
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one
of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down
as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little
Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
Joke 27
A large two-engine train was crossing America.
After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the
train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform
the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the
following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really
good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone
some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the
engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the
line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a
standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers
about why the train had stopped, and made the following
announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news
and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed,
and we are stuck here for some time." "The really good news is that
this not United Airlines!"
Joke 26
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling
somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu.. Broiled
Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician:
$100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such
a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you
ever tried to clean one of them?"
Joke 25
A plane was taking off from the airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an
announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
Captain. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should
have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. ... OH MY GOD...
DAMN!!!!!" Silence. gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!" "That's nothing," said a passenger in coach. "He should
see the back of mine!"
Joke 24
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the
neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits
package."The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a
company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The
Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the
interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Joke 23
The situation: lets say that you're a
photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling
alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the
Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have
been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures
destroyed. You come across George W Bush who has been swept away by
the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is
about to go under.you can either put down your camera and save him,
or take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him as he loses his
grip on the limb. So,........ here's the dilemma, and think
carefully before you answer the question below. Which lens would
you use? The situation: lets say that you're a photographer out
getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking
for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the Midwest, and there
is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water
supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. You come across
George W Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is
barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.you can
either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer prize
winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So,........ here's the dilemma, and think carefully before you
answer the question below. Which lens would you use?
Joke 22
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa
one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning
into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered
it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of
the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be
right over," said the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his
wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the
doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
Joke 21
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he
replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having
my child! What do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considers
this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I
know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one
day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella
instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly
bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it
at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front
of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest." "That's
impossible Doc! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man
said. "Exactly" replied the his Doctor
Joke 20
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where
the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the
wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around
the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I
wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook
his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked
the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well,
did you see this?""Yes," motioned the monkey."What happened?"The
monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer.he monkey shakes his
head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey pinched his fingers together and
held them to his mouth."They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey
shakes his head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.The monkey
shakes his head "Yes.""Now wait, you're saying your owners were
drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."The monkey
shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
Joke 19
The room was full of pregnant women and their
partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was
teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing
the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the
plan. The teacher then said, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt
you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!" The room
really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she
carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Joke 18
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the
countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many
long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went
to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you
be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am
so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we
cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s
a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but
maybe they`ll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I`ll go
right now.Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was
Catholic?!"
Joke 17
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle
her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke he , tease her, comfort
her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine &
dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by
her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO
IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.
Joke 16
God Wants A Vacation God is tired, worn out. So
he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any
suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head,
then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time
of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much
gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter
reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams.
"It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his
face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your
vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand
years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl,
and they're STILL talking About it!"
Joke 15
Fresh out of college, a blonde began her new job
as an elementary school counselor. One day during recess she
noticed a boy standing by himself at the end of a field, while the
rest of the kids played soccer. She asked if he was all right and
the boy said he was fine. a little while later she approached him
again. „Would you like me to be your friend?“ she
asked. The boy hesitated then said, „OK.“ Feeling that
she was making progress, she then asked, „Why are you
standing all alone?“„Because,“ the boy said,
„I'm the goalie.“
Joke 14
After the honeymoon A young couple got married
and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride
immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, so -- how
was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was
wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But,
mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible
language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful
4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...
PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me,
what could be so awful? "WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make
me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed- they're
just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must
tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible
4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words
like: Dust, Wash, iron,Cook...
Joke 13
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Joke 12
Wedding night Not Miss A Thing A honeymoon couple
book into the hotel. The lady has a shower, puts on French perfume,
a see through negligee and lays on the bed all seductive. The man,
in his cotton pajamas (plus white tie cord) stands at the window
looking out at the sky. "Come to bed dear" she coos seductively.
"Not tonight dear" he replies, "my mum said that this would be the
best night of my life and I don't want to miss anything".
Joke 11
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The
conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that
they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My
husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on
vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new
Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three
says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much
money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one
thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can
stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the
first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession
to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I
was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's
to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your
honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a
Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to
make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
Joke 10
God Wants A Vacation God is tired, worn out. So
he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any
suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head,
then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time
of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much
gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter
reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams.
"It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his
face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your
vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand
years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl,
and they're STILL talking About it!“
Joke 9
Senior Driver As a senior citizen was driving
down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his
wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
Joke 8
Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men
than for women? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's
already there.
Joke 7
Burglar & Jesus Late one night, a burglar
broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the
living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud
voice say: " Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house,
so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the
voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was
frightened. Frantically , he looked around. In a dark corner, he
spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the
parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said
the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the
parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a
dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you
Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the
Rottweiller Jesus."
Joke 6
The Joys of Yiddish The first riddle I ever
heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to
me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet
-- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in
final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring,"
I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there."
"But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a
herring isn't wet." "If it's just painted it's still wet." "But --
" I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring doesn't
whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make
it hard."
Joke 5
Pope and fishing Priests A priest decides to take
a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally
stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices,
and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of
hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever
fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for
him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the
priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The
fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, please
sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY)
"I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a
sonofabitch!" Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the
trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please,
mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't
understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I
caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean
this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop
takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head
Mother: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what
the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it,
and we'd like you to cook it." Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook
that sonofabitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with
the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks
where they got it. Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!" Bishop: "And
I cleaned the sonofabitch!" Head Mother: "And I cooked the
sonofabitch!" The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely
gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table,
and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright."
Joke 4
All things are relative A young man once asked
God how long a million years was to him.God replied,"A million
years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the
young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied,
" A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then
the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one
of your pennies?" God replied, " Certainly, just a second."
Joke 3
Q: What do electric train sets and woman's
breasts have in common? A: Both were intended for children, but
it's the father who plays with them.
Joke 2
Pepsi and Coke An airplane full of a shipment of
Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few
weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the
area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of
the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The
Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief
replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew
were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief
replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" Another
rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate
their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally
perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat
their...ah, err, 'things' ??" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the
rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with
Coke."
Joke 1
Where is God ? In a certain suburban
neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were
exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood,
it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at
their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest
nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the
father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father
replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the
priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see
the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the
priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk
he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at
each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy
and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the
corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder,
the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the
boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder,
firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his
forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The
boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother,
he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where
they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in
BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG
trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we
did it."